Chapter 8

First Phase- St. Petersburg, Florida

PHASE #1
THE CLIENT IS WORKING ON HIMSELF/HERSELF
1) The client is living away from home with a Foster Family. This is for a minimum of 14 days. Court Order cases a minimum of 30 days.
2) NO making or receiving phone calls, letters etc., from friends or parents. No television, radio or reading.
3) The Oldcomer of the Client must take a direct route from Straight to their home. No stops on the way.
4) The Client will attend Straight from 9:00am to 9:00pm Monday through Saturday. Sunday from 2:00pm to 9:00pm
5) Oldcomer is responsible to have Client at Straight promptly at designated time and pick up Client at closing.
6) The Client is responsible for doing a Moral Inventory daily (MANDATORY)

I sat on the front row. I was trying to adjust to the idea that I was going to be here for at least two weeks. The papers I signed stated that as an adult, I was obligated to stay here for at least 14 days. After that, I could pull myself from the program and leave. I missed my family, I missed my sister, and I missed Denise. I didn’t know anyone here other than Cathie, and I wasn’t allowed to talk to her. I was scared.

This room was a lot smaller than the main auditorium. In fact this room was really part of the Carpet Room. There was a blue divider directly in front of me. Staff stools sat just to my left. The girl’s side of the Group was also to my left. Each side had about 5 rows, 6 chairs in each row, about sixty chairs in all. To my right 5th Phasers stood along the side of group. Behind the 5th Phasers was a cinder block wall. Along that wall in the rear of the room was a door that led outside. There was always an Oldcomer standing in front of the door. There was a wall behind the 5th row. There was another door directly across from the one that led outside an Oldcomer stood there as well. This door led to the St. Petersburg group in the main auditorium. To the right of that door was a piano.

Once I got my bearings, I started watching the Group. I had been told that I wasn’t allowed to talk for the first three days. I was to observe. I watched these people flap their arms up and down in a manner I had never witnessed before. It looked silly. But I knew better than to laugh. They did this to get called on and talk to the Group. It was called Motivating. One of the Staff Members would call on a person. They would stand up and talk about the topic at hand. After the person was done talking the Group would yell in unison "Love ya", followed by their name.
As I was sitting there taking all of this in, a thought occurred to me that sent me into a panic attack. "When Denise gets home and sees the house key, she is going to think I left her intentionally." I frantically and instinctivly raised my hand to a 5th Phaser. I wasn’t supposed to be talking with anyone during a rap but frankly I didn’t really think about it. The 5th Phaser looked toward Staff and the Staff member shook his head allowing the 5th Phaser to approach me. I told him that I needed to call Denise and explain to her where I was. By now I felt so guilty about what I had done, I began crying uncontrollably. The 5th Phaser tried to calm me down but his next words only made things worse. "You can’t call anyone, let alone your druggie girl friend. You’re better off here any way." I continued to beg him to let me make the one phone call but I was repeatedly denied access to a phone.

The next thing that happened was lunch. I was told to stand; an Oldcomer grabbed me by the belt loop. This was going to take some getting use to. I didn’t like it. I was led out to the large group room and in a line. After I picked up my lunch I was led back to the small group room. I sat and ate what I could. I remember the cottage cheese was watery and I didn’t like the pineapple that came with it. There were black droppings floating in and around my red cherry juice. I didn’t want to know what it was, so I didn’t ask. After I finished eating what I wanted, I passed it to the end of the row to be thrown away. But soon, I saw my tray being passed back to me. I was instructed by a 5th Phaser to eat everything on my plate. I tried to tell him that I didn’t like some of the food. I asked for a straw for the cottage cheese. The 5th Phaser started yelling at me because he thought I was being smart, but I very serious. I wasn’t given a choice and choked down the pineapple and cottage cheese. Over the course of the next few weeks I got used to choking down all the food served to me. Other than the cottage cheese and the red juice, with black droppings in it, I don’t remember much else about the food.

There were a few more raps and then exercise rap. Again, I was grabbed by the belt loop and taken into the large group room. We were led to do hundreds of jumping jacks, squat thrusts, push ups, sit ups, we ran in place, and other exercises. A half an hour later, my lungs burned my arms and legs felt like lead, I was exhausted. I remember Peggy teasing me about being out of shape. I didn’t even have the strength to smile. Peggy was the Group Staff Supervisor of the Cincinnati Group. I was led to the water fountain. I was only allowed a five second drink. Not nearly enough water to replace the fluids I lost.

I was taken to the restroom. It was there that I developed a bashful bladder. The Oldcomer that took me to the restroom, stood directly behind me and watched as I urinated. If I had to move my bowels, an Oldcomer would stand just outside the open stall and watch me. It was humiliating. It took a while before I was able to urinate with someone watching me. I couldn’t move my bowels for the first two weeks there. This was common among brand new clients.
I was led back to the Cincinnati group. We ate dinner, which was just as bad as the lunch I’m sure. The next rap was called Rules Rap. The Staff Member started off by asking, "What’s the first and most important rule?" The answer I learned was Honesty. Different people stood up and explained what honesty meant to them and why it was important to be honest with everyone. Several people did this rule until a Staff Member asked for a different rule.

After Rules Rap, we sang some songs and then Night Rap started. I don’t have any recollection about that but they happened every night at the same time. At the end of the Night Rap, while Staff would summarize the rap, everyone would put their arms around each other. I was not comfortable with this and pulled away from the guy sitting next to me, but I was assured it was okay.

Staff instructed the Oldcomers to grab their Newcomers and line up for dismissal. Nearly everyone got up and started leaving but me. After a few minutes a guy came into the room and asked if I was Don. I acknowledged. He had me stand as he grabbed my belt loop. He led me out to the group room and we got in line. I was instructed to look directly into the back of the head of the person standing in front of me and stand heel to toe. I did. We stood there for a long time. This guy standing behind me hadn’t introduced himself and I didn’t know where we were going. I was scared. As I stood there, my mind wandered to thoughts about my family and Denise. I began to cry. Another 5th Phaser came up to me and asked why I was crying. I told him I was scared. I don’t remember how he responded to me, but he told the guy behind me that he needed to help me as much as possible. I was somewhat embarrassed. I, for whatever reason, would cry in the dismissal line for a least the first 4 or 5 days. I was an emotional mess. I remember other 5th Phasers would come by and smack the hands that were holding onto the belt loops to check if the grip was tight enough to keep the Newcomers from getting away.

The Group was finally dismissed and I was led outside to a blue pickup truck in the parking lot. I was told to enter the truck from the driver side and crawl over to the passenger side. I did as I was told. Once in the truck my Oldcomer finally introduced himself. "My name is Jack I’m a 5th Phaser here." I shook his hand and told him who I was and where I was from. Jack’s foster brother, Stan rode in the bed of the pickup truck. I was told to stare at a dot on the dash during the drive home to prevent me from reading billboards. After all, I was not allowed to read. I didn’t read any billboards; I merely looked at the pictures of the women advertising local strip clubs in the area. I think another reason for looking at the dot was to prevent me from knowing where I was and possibly plan to run away. The drive took about ½ hour or so.

We pulled into a driveway in front of a single story ranch style house; it was brown in color. I was led out of the truck from the driver side and taken inside the house by the belt loop. Inside, I was introduced to his mom and dad. They seemed nice. I was led to the kitchen area where we would eat a light snack. As a Newcomer I was told that I had to ask my Oldcomer for everything before doing anything. So, in order to make a sandwich I had to ask if I could get the bread, then the sandwich meat, and then the condiments. Once the sandwich was made, I had to ask if I could eat it. The purpose in asking for everything was to show my Oldcomer respect. After all, I was a guest in his house.

One sandwich in particular that became a favorite of mine was called a "Florida Sandwich." It consisted of two slices of bread, peanut butter, grape jelly, lettuce, marshmallow cream, and sliced bananas. As unusual as those sounds, it really is a good snack. As a Newcomer, it took a while for me to make it, having to ask for everything, but it was good.

While we were eating Jack and Stan began writing something in a notebook. Jack explained that this was something that I would be learning in a few days. I didn’t pay too much attention. It probably took him about 30 minutes to complete what he was writing.

After finishing our snack I was led to the bathroom for our shower. Jack asked me if I had ever taken a military shower before. I told him no. He explained that I would have to turn the water on and get wet. After that, shut the water off, lather up from head to toe and then turn the water back on and rinse off. The showers lasted less than five minutes. While he was in the shower, I was told to place my hands on top of the curtain rod so that my hands were visible from the other side; thus, he never took his eyes off me.

Jack tried to encourage me to shave my mustache off, saying it was a druggie image and he also explained that I placed security it having it. That logic made no sense to me. I simply liked having one. Although it wasn’t a very good-looking mustache I refused to shave it right away.
After the showers were done, I was led to the bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Inside were three beds. No pictures on the walls, no alarm clocks, nothing in fact, electrical other than the light switch for the overhead light. I was told the window on the far end of the room was bolted or nailed shut to prevent escape. I asked about the fire safety of all this and Jack assured me that everyone would be safe. To make matters worse, I watched as he closed the bedroom door, which was locked from the outside, and placed the key on a safety pin and placed it inside his underwear.

I got in my bed, which was the middle one, right between the Oldcomers. Sleep would come and go throughout the night. The events of the day raced through my head. I wondered what was in store for me tomorrow.

I don’t remember what time I was awakened. But I got more sleep than I first thought I would. It was a Sunday morning and we didn’t have to be at the building until 2:00pm. Jack and Stan sprang to their feet and had smiles on their faces. They acted as if they were excited about the new day. I still had my reservations. I got dressed and was led out to the kitchen for breakfast. Jack’s parents were there and breakfast, which consisted of cold cereal and milk, awaited us. Forgetting about asking for everything, I grabbed a box of cereal and proceeded to help myself. Jack yelled at me, "Just what do you think you’re doing?" I felt scared and apologized for not remembering. I put the box back and asked if I could get the box. He eventually let me eat but he made me wait a while. After breakfast I was taken to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair. I don’t remember what we did between breakfast and the time we had to leave to go to the building.

I was taken out to the truck and again, made to crawl across to the passenger side of his pickup. We drove to the Straight building and parked. I could now make out a little bit more of the building. I saw the bars on the windows again. I always stared at them and thought of the irony. As we entered the parking lot we went around to the left side of the building. I could see the door that led to my Group room. There must have been another entrance off to the left of that.
I was led into the building and into an Intake room. They were very small rooms. They were carpeted. There must have been close to two-dozen people in there already and I pushed my way through and was told to sit down. Jack gave me a hug before he left the room. I cannot describe how cramped it got in that room at times, oh, and the smell was awful. It smelled like a sweatshop. Perspiration was dripping off some of the other people in the room with me; it wouldn’t be long before I was sweating too. Standing in front of the door was an Oldcomer. He would ask if anyone wanted to talk about the changes they were making. They started flapping their arms in there too, just to get called on. No wonder it smelled to high heaven in here. People took turns talking about what they were doing about living drug/alcohol free. I just took it all in and didn’t say anything.

After about a ½ hour a Staff Member came to the door and asked if anyone had responsibilities. A few people raised their hands. The Staff Member selected some of them and instructed them to go stand at a door in the Group room. With them leaving helped the cramped surroundings a little but not enough for me. Another Staff Member told the Oldcomers to grab the Newcomers and line up. "Line up?" I thought. "How the hell are we going to line up in a small room like this?" What we did was simple. An Oldcomer would grab two Newcomers and put them heel to toe in front of him. He would stand just to the left of the door. Everyone else fell in line behind him so that the line went in a circle along the wall and worked itself in toward the middle of the room. Surprisingly enough it worked. Then we were told to head to our Group room. Again I was put on the front row.

I just tried to take it all in. I was still very scared. Although I didn’t have to participate in the raps, I was still expected to pay attention to everyone that was talking. I remember several times a day someone was telling me to listen up or pay attention. Sometimes, I got very mad at the people there. I didn’t like being told what to do. But again, what is a 135-pound skinny guy going to do? Another thing I did that seem to upset some of the people was to play the chair like a drum when singing songs or if I just started to get bored. A 5th Phaser would come down the row and grab my hands and tell me to knock it off.

Time virtually stood still. Losing track of time was easy to do after awhile. There were no windows in the room; the only light I saw was from the florescent lighting above. I found myself trying to look at the watches the 5th Phasers were wearing. It was only a matter of time before I would get caught and they would hide the face of the watch.

Something I found to pass the time was "clicking" with a girl on the front row. She and I would make eye contact and smile at each other or wink. I took a real liking to her.
By the end of the day, I was ready to head home. But as I stood in line, my mind again wandered to my family, and Denise and again, the tears would flow.

Jack told me that I would be doing a Newcomer Introduction for Monday’s Open Meeting. He told me that I should think about specific times when I used drugs and how I felt about it. He gave me some examples about what I could talk about. Stan helped me out with this too. As I tried to drift off to sleep that night, fear gripped me; I wasn’t used to talking in front of so many people.

Monday November 30 was a very long day. My first chance to talk came in the Intake room. I kept it short, basically saying that I didn’t like being here and that I was scared about having to talk in front of everyone today. Someone in the room raised his hand and when he was called on he told me that he knew how I felt. It really didn’t make me feel any better.

I remember the Executive Rap. We were led into the Carpet Room and I was told to sit Indian Style on the floor. Somehow well over 350 people were able to fit into this room. Up front sat two Executive Staff Members. There he was Dr. Newman. Next to him was Anthony Williamson, the Assistant Director for the Cincinnati Group. These raps were led in the same manner as other raps. Only the Executive Staff led them. This was the only time I ever saw the "professional staff."

I will always remember how the walls in the Carpet Room would literally sweat. When over 350 people are in a room, motivating, the heat would build up so much that the walls would appear to sweat with humidity. Occasionally but rarely, the doors would be opened to help cool the room off, I would watch in astonishment as the steam left the room through the open door. I had never witnessed anything like it. The smell that would emit from the room during these raps was unbelievable. The rap session went without a hitch as far as I remember. But by the end of the rap, my legs were in pain and I needed a shower.

We were led out to the Auditorium for Dinner and Rules Rap. I was placed on front row. Next to me I met a Cincinnati Oldcomer named Todd. He was on third phase. This Rules Rap was different. We covered rules that applied to the Open Meetings. One of the rules was Newcomer and Oldcomer Introductions. A person was required to start off his/her introduction by stating their name, age, the drugs we did, how long we did them, whether or not we believed we were a Druggie, and how long we were in the program (in days). From there we were to talk about our past drug use, family relationships, Druggie friends, school/work and trouble with the law. We were to talk about specific incidents and share how we felt about the situation. From there we were to talk about how we feel since being here. After that we had to set two short-term goals these were to be accomplished with in twenty-four hours and one long-term goal that was to be accomplished within three to six months. Other rules were; no eye games, no faking out parents. Another thing I was prohibited from doing was telling my Foster Parents I loved them during the Open Meeting. This would reveal to my parents who I was living with. My parents were not allowed to know who was taking care of me. When the Rules Rap was finished we started singing songs as the parents made their way in. I started playing my chair like drums. They called that rocking out and wasn’t permitted. Todd, on a number of occasions would grab my hands and tell me to stop. I always felt bad when he did that. I would stop for a while and then start doing it again. Todd was very understanding and supportive. Something told me that he and I would become very good friends.

I saw my parents for the first time since I signed myself in. They came in with the other parents and sat down. The Open Meeting started and I was getting nervous. I was never more relieved when I saw that the Newcomer introductions were going to start on the girl’s side. But it didn’t take long before the mic was passed to me. I stood up and did my introduction. I really don’t remember anything I talked about. When I was finished I was visibly relieved. When my parents got the mic I stood. My mom and dad both told me that they were relieved that I had signed myself in and that I was here. They knew I could make it here.

The Open Meeting was a lot longer on this particular night. Remember I had been taken from the Open Meeting on Friday before it was finished. This was the first of many full term Open Meetings. When the parents were talking to their children several went home. Every time I saw someone go home, I would tear up. It was always a very emotional event for me to witness. Several had to stand and talk to them because they didn’t earn anything. After the parents were finished talking to the children, the Staff member asked if there was anyone in the group/audience that was celebrating a birthday or anniversary. Those that were came to the front with their parents. We sang "Happy Birthday" and "Happy Anniversary" to them. After that was finished, the Open Meeting was closed in the Lords Prayer and the Group sang, "Pass it on."

As the parents were dismissed chairs were set up for those who had earned "talk". Oldcomers would take them to their parents. Meanwhile, everyone else, including me, just sat there, watching as my parents left the room. I cried.

After the "talks" were finished, we were led to a different part of the Auditorium. A wall was put up to separate us from the parents. Open Meeting Review was started. The Staff had each Newcomer stand one at a time as other clients in the Group critiqued each of the Newcomer introductions. Some of the reviews were constructive criticism, while others were mercilessly torn apart and the Client strongly confronted by the Group. We were told what to talk about and what things we could do to make our next introduction better. I was glad to hear my first introduction, while not in any way perfect, was well done.

After the Introductions were reviewed it was on to the most dreaded time in the Open Meeting Review. Confrontations. Staff Members would call on different clients in the Group and begin confronting them about a variety of things from not being involved in the rap sessions, misbehaving, and other offenses. It was horrible. Some of these confrontations were at times brutal. The language used was harsh. I was never permitted to use language this strong in front of my parents. Although I used this language on a regular basis, I felt uncomfortable hearing it now.

The Open Meeting Review lasted well into the early morning hours. We probably weren’t dismissed until 3:00am. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But I wasn’t going to bed right away. I still had to learn how to write a Moral Inventory.

The MI is broken into four different areas. The Challenge is the main part of a MI. It deals with a specific problem that needs to be addressed and changed. Within the challenge I must explain what the challenge is, why it’s there, what will happen if I don’t change the problem, what will happen when I do make the change and how I plan on making the change. Good Points are three specific traits, characteristics, or other things I like about myself. Goals are five specific things that I want to accomplish in the next twenty-four hours. The Blessing consists of things that I am thankful for. In a lot of cases I wrote mine as a Prayer to God.

I wrote my first MI on my anger. I wrote that I would get angry with the 5th Phasers every time they told me to do something. I thought that if I didn’t get my anger under control, I would be started over or have my days frozen. My good points included accepting my program, although I still had no idea how to really apply the program to my life. I admitted I am powerless over drugs. I said the right words, but knew I was lying. The goals were real general, relate in at least three raps, don’t get angry, and have a "positive" day. Looking back on it, it seems so silly.

That night, I shaved my moustache. I really didn’t want to, but I did it to make my Oldcomer happy with me. He thought I was making a breakthrough.
The next morning, I returned to the building. I still didn’t like being there, but slowly; I was getting used to it.

I learned the Chain of Command on this day. It was one of the rules I was expected to memorize

Director
Benjamin Stafford
Assistant Director
Anthony Williamson
Program Coordinator
Patty Miller
Group Staff Supervisor
Peggy
Senior Staff
Scott
Junior Staff
Lee
Mark
Sue
Pamela
Staff Trainee
Gary

I took an immediate liking to Scott and Pamela. They seemed really nice. I always felt more comfortable when they were leading the rap sessions. I knew I could talk about just about anything in front of them. Mr. Stafford was different from any of the other Staff Members I had met up to this point. He was a quiet gentleman. I never heard him raise his voice to anyone. Mr. Williamson was one man I never knew how to take. He rarely smiled, he never seemed happy, yet there was something about him that motivated me. He had been straight for 13 ½ years. I thought it would be great to be able to stay sober that long. But I was scared of him for some reason. The one phrase he always said was "If you woke up before me, you’ve been straight longer than I have." Mark appeared to be a nice enough guy, but for whatever reason, I was very intimidated by him. I was always afraid that he would want to make my program harder than it needed to be. Lee was the Christian of the group. Not that other Staff Members weren’t it’s just that he wasn’t afraid to share his faith. Sue was a very pretty young lady and always treated me nicely. She was firm but fair. Peggy was a pistol. She had long red hair and very skinny. She was very loud and aggressive. She was the most confrontive and feared Staff Member of all of them. Gary was still on 5th Phase but considered a Staff member. He was a giant at the age of 17 he was also one of the most understanding Staff Members. He always treated me well.

I remember the first time I was confronted. I was stood up and asked about my hair. I was a little confused as to why someone would be concerned about my hair. It seems that these people have this idea that Druggies part their hair down the middle. I have always parted my hair on the side. The Staff Members accused me of parting my hair on the side to "make the group feel good about you". I told everyone that I had always parted my hair on the side and that it wasn’t possible for me to part my hair down the middle. Several Clients, as they were called on, yelled at me and told me I needed to get honest about my motives for parting my hair on the side. I started getting mad and I didn’t hold back. I started yelling back insisting that I was telling the truth about my hair. I don’t remember how long I was confronted but eventually I was told to sit down. I was very upset.

After a long day I was taken back home. When my Oldcomers went over my MI that night, I learned that he had taken the rule, no talking behind backs, a step further. I had written names in my MI, and when he read it, he made me scratch the names out. I did as I was told but thought it was a little extreme. After all, no one else was going to be reading these things.

Another thing that Jack always gave me a hard time with was the way I talked. He referred to it as "Druggie slang." Using words like "Man", "Dude", "Bomb", "Cool", & others seemed to bother him every time I used them. Playing the "Air drums or guitar" was another thing Jack insisted come to a stop. It would be a long time before that happened.

I remember having trouble during rap sessions. A Staff Member would ask the group a question and ask us to relate to it. I would struggle trying to remember specific incidents that I thought would relate to what we were talking about. I was always afraid that I was going to get in trouble. If I didn’t motivate, I was afraid that I would be confronted for not being involved. If I did motivate and was called on and then didn’t know what to say, I was afraid that I would get confronted for not being honest. The way I saw it, I was going to lose either way. So in most cases, I opted to just sit there.

At some point during my first week or so there, I looked back to listen to someone talk and suddenly realized that I knew someone I went to high school with. I later learned that he was nearly killed in a bad car accident. He wasn’t expected to walk again, but there he was. I couldn’t believe it.

One day the Staff had just finished a Morning Rap. Scott looked over at me and said, "I understand you play the piano." I nodded my head that I did. He asked "Would you like to play something for the Group?" I walked over to the piano and sat down and played the melody of a song I had written to Denise. It was great to play again. I hadn’t played since I was at her house. When I was finished, the Group applauded. When their applause died out, I could hear more applause. It was the St. Petersburg group. I remember thinking that it was pretty cool. Later that same day I was asked to play for the St. Petersburg group. As I was playing, I remember thinking that if anyone should find out that I wrote this song to my Druggie girlfriend, I might never be allowed to play again. I had a blast playing for everyone. It was probably the first time I was happy since I had been there.

On another day between raps, Lee came up to me and said he wanted to talk to me. I got up expecting him to grab my belt loop. He didn’t do it. He and I walked out the door, leading outside. He asked me how I liked being here. I told him that I know that I needed to be here, but I was scared to talk in the group. He said that he noticed that I wasn’t always motivating and wanted to know why. I explained that I was having a hard time remembering specific incidents that I thought related to the rap. He told me that he understood. He said it would take time but eventually I would be able to remember more as I went along. He asked me if I could talk about my sex life. I told him I didn’t have one. He was impressed that I had not had sex. I was embarrassed. He told me that he thought I was a neat person and cared a lot about me. He gave me a hug and we went back inside. For whatever reason I knew that he was being honest with me and really cared for me.

December 11, 1981, was the first Homes Rap I could ask for something. I basically just told the group that I deserved "Talk" because I was at least putting forth an effort to talk to the Group. I knew I didn’t deserve it and needless to say I was strongly confronted by everyone. I earned nothing that night. My parents stood me up during the Open Meeting and told me that I wasn’t being honest when I did my 2nd Newcomer introduction. My dad told me that I wasn’t going to be coming home until I was straight. I was so devastated I sat down and bawled my eyes out. Todd put his arm around me and tried to console me. It was one of the worst days since being there.

During the Open Meeting Review, I was strongly confronted and told that I needed to get honest with my introductions in the future. After they were finished with me, Staff started talking about another Newcomer in the group. From what I remember this person had stabbed his Oldcomer in the back of the head with an ink pen. I couldn’t believe it. People were getting hurt here just because others don’t want to be here. I remember praying that I didn’t get put in a Foster Home with someone like that in the house. Oldcomers and Newcomers were copping-out every day I remember waking up in the middle of the night, terrified that my Oldcomers would be gone. Every time I woke up I looked to see if they were still there.

Over the next ten days, I started working harder. I earned "Talk" for the first time on December 18, 1981. I was never happier to be able to talk to my parents for the first time since I had been there. But three days later, I earned nothing again. I was not very consistent.
I often thought about ways I could cop-out. Ideas about how I could cop-out were real irrational. There were skylights in the ceiling in the main auditorium at least 30-40 feet above the ground. I would fantasize about climbing up the I-beams and busting out of the skylights. I also thought about charging the doors and kicking the Oldcomers who were standing there, through the door and leaving the building. I know, they are crazy thoughts, some of the most irrational stuff I had ever thought before, but when you’re in a place like this, that’s the kind of thoughts that run through a persons mind. I wanted out of there so bad, I felt like I could do just about anything to get out. But the problem was, I had no idea where to go if and when I ever did get out. I didn’t know how to get home. I had no friends or relatives that lived in Florida. So I was stuck. Knowing that I would never really leave.

One evening after Group Jack was taking me out to the truck, I tripped over something in the parking lot. Jack got mad and slammed me into the side of the truck and started yelling at me. He accused me of trying to cop-out. I was in tears and started yelling back at him and told him that I wasn’t trying to leave. It was a bitter argument. Eventually he put me in the truck and the subject was dropped. He didn’t say a word to me the entire ride home. While we were eating our snack later that evening, Jack realized that he was wrong and knew that I hadn’t tried to cop-out. In his own little way, he made amends for the incident.

As Christmas was approaching I remember being able to watch the Christmas specials on TV. I remember feeling appreciative to be able to watch TV. But to be honest, I really believed I didn’t deserve to watch the TV shows. I enjoyed it nonetheless.

During a Friday night Open Meeting Jack was promoted to Staff Trainee. After the Open Meeting, I remember asking him, "So, Dude, what’s it like to be on Staff Trainee?" Jack got extremely mad at me for using druggie slang. He and I started having problems at home after this. I will never forget the next morning when he dropped me off in the Intake room. I turned around to hug him. Jack started yelling at me about how I was breaking the Chain of Command. I panicked and raised my hand to him. He yelled that he was a Staff Trainee and I was breaking Chain of Command. I started to cry and when he saw this he asked what I wanted. I said, "All I want is a hug." Jack looked embarrassed and came back in the room and hugged me, but I could tell it was a bother for him to do it. I was hurt and just sat down and cried. When someone in the room tried to find out what was wrong I just told them I didn’t want to talk about it. Despite our differences, for what ever reason I really liked Jack.

On December 26, 1981 I learned that I was going to be moved to a different Foster Home. I should’ve been happy. But I was not. I wanted to stay. I really thought that Jack wanted me out of the house and had made a request to have me moved. I was really scared that I would be placed in a home with a violent Newcomer who would hurt me. I was terrified. I remember the next morning before going to the building; I cried and told Jack that I loved him. It must have been his day off because Stan took me in to the building. I never saw Jack or Stan once I was dropped off in the Intake room.

I have absolutely no recollection of the Oldcomer I lived with for the rest of my time in St. Petersburg. I remember that Steve a 5th Phaser in the Cincinnati Group was in a room with some other Oldcomers but as far as who took me home and where we went, who went over my MI’s, where I slept, I don’t remember at all.

Toward the end of the year a Third Phaser and I were asked to get together and write a song to the St. Petersburg group. We worked on this for a few days and we taught it to everyone in the Group. This kid I worked with was about 14 or 15 years old. He was clean-cut. I would never have guessed that he really needed to be there.

On January 5, 1982 I spent my last day in the St. Petersburg building. I don’t remember anything until we were getting ready to leave. We sang the song that I had helped to write to the St. Petersburg group and then we were seated on the far end of the auditorium on the floor. I remember seeing a young kid that had come into the program on the same day I had. He was fifteen years old. I crawled over to him and started talking to him. I think he was still on first phase and I knew that what I was doing was against the rules, but I really wanted to talk to him. I told him that I knew he could make it through the program and that I would come back to visit him on my 5th phase vacation. I expected him to be on 5th phase too. He assured me he would be. I reached over and hugged him good-bye. I never saw him again.

We were taken to the airport and flew to Landry airport just outside of town. When we landed I looked out the window as we taxied to a stop. What I saw brought tears to my eyes. Out on the landing pad were two buses from the church I attended. I couldn’t believe it. We were loaded on the bus and driven to a church down the street from my church. We were given Foster Home assignments from there. My new Oldcomer was Steve. He took me home and introduced me to his parents.

Steve was a great guy. He was a year older than I was. I was certain that I had known him from my past, before drugs. I asked him if he was ever a member of the YMCA and if he often hung out at the outdoor pool, diving. He said he had. For the first time in a long time I slept real well. I was back in familiar territory. The next day was going to be historic. Straight, Inc. Cincinnati was going to be open for business. I was excited.