Chapter 10

Second & Third Phase

PHASE #2

1) CLIENT IS WORKING ON HIMSELF/HERSELF AND FAMILY
The Client will be living at home attending Straight from 9:00am to 9:00pm Monday through Saturday. Sunday from 2:00pm to 9:00pm.

2) Again, no making or receiving telephone calls, letters, etc. No television, radio, or reading (except the Bible)

3) The Client is not permitted to have visitors, nor is the parents or siblings to have visitors while the Client is in the home.

4) The responsibility is now for the parents to get the Client to and from Straight promptly at the designated times.

5) NO stops offs are permitted to or from Straight and the Client is not permitted to leave the actual house other than going to Straight.

6) The Client may at this time have a Newcomer sometime after adjusting to home and family.
Again, Moral Inventory is mandatory daily.

7) DIME THERAPY
Explanation: To be used in emergencies only. The Client will have three (3) or more phone numbers of Clients on Phase 4 or 5 of the program, which he/she can use for an emergency problem that might arise in the home. A parent must dial the phone number; get the 4th or 5th Phaser on the phone before letting the Client talk.

On second phase I was no longer led around by the belt loop and I could wear a belt. What a relief. The only thing I was allowed to read was the Bible. Watching TV and listening to the radio were still prohibited. The only way I could make a phone call was to have my mom or dad call the person on my dime-therapy list and make sure that person was on the line before getting on the phone to talk. Sending or receiving mail was still not allowed. I was not allowed to go outside except when going to Straight.

An Oldcomer is given a lot of responsibility around the building. Standing at a door was one of the most important responsibilities an Oldcomer could have. While standing at a door one must keep a constant watch on the Group. I was responsible for determining who could enter or leave the group room. Staff Members and the Runner were always allowed to come and go as needed without hesitation. As the Staff Member approached the door I had to be able to tell if he/she was going to be leaving the room. As soon as I knew for sure I opened the door very quickly. As soon as the Staff Member cleared the door, I shut to it as fast as possible, all the while never taking my eyes off the Group. If another Client wanted to leave the room he/she stood next to the door and both of us would raise our hands toward the Staff Members in front of the Group. Only after the Staff gave permission to leave the room was the door opened for them to exit. The most obvious danger while standing at a door was the possibility that someone from the Group could attempt to rush the door trying to cop-out. It was my responsibility to block the attempt. In most cases though, anyone attempting such a feat would be met by several other Clients tackling the person to the floor and restraining them until they were willing to sit back down in their chair. This was often followed by a strong confrontation and in some cases, disciplinary action. The average time someone would stand at a door was 4 hours, however it wasn’t unusual for me to stand at a door all day long.

Another job that an Oldcomer might be called upon to do is a Runner. A Runner was stationed at the reception area. He/she would wear a badge, often designed by other Runners, which identified the person as a Runner. The Runner would take telephone and other messages to Staff Members throughout the building. The Runner is the only person that can, in effect, break the Chain Of Command. He/she can approach any Staff Member regardless of Title in order to get a message to them. The Runner had to know the building pretty well, as Staff Members can be just about anywhere. When the Runner finds the Staff Member he/she stands about five feet away and raises his hand to the side to get the Staff Members attention. When the Staff Member acknowledges the Runner, he/she approaches the Staff Member and gives the message to them. As soon as it is delivered, the Runner quickly returns to the reception area. When not running messages, he/she usually talks with the Phoner, a 4th or 5th Phaser who is responsible for answering the phones. A Runner could also come and go from the Group room without having to get Staff permission to leave.

An Oldcomer is also responsible for leading Newcomers around the building. The first thing that is learned is exactly how to effectively hold onto a Newcomer by his/her belt loop. To do this the Oldcomer would take his/her prominent hand and place the middle finger sideways through the very rear belt loop. The belt-loop should go all the way to the bottom of the finger. From there the hand is turned so the fingers are pointing to the small of the Newcomers back. All four fingers should be placed inside the pants as a fist is made. The Newcomer is secure and most attempts by the Newcomer to escape will be thwarted. An experienced Oldcomer can safely handle two Newcomers, one in each hand.

The main objective on 2nd Phase is to establish a good family relationship. I was expected to be open and honest about everything that was going on in my life. I could talk about anything, even what happened in the Group that day so long as names weren’t mentioned. I told my parents how I was treated in St. Petersburg and shared about the different things I was confronted for. I told them of people attempting to cop-out. I told them about people getting sat on if they weren’t doing what was expected. I even told them about the Newcomer in St. Pete that stabbed his Oldcomer in the head.

My sister and I became closer than we had ever been before. She was so relived that I was finally getting the help that I needed and was proud of the accomplishments thus far.

I remember on February 10, I was in the car with my dad as he was driving me to the building. In the past, he and I hardly spoke when riding in the car. I suddenly realized it was happening again. We sat there, silent. The silence was almost deafening. Not a word spoken. I began to get scared. I started to cry and apologized to my dad. He and I started talking about how the incident felt. We had a great talk the rest of the way to the building. When I got in the Group room, I stood up and immediately started talking about the incident. I felt proud of myself for recognizing the need for the change and how quickly it was resolved.

One day I noticed a new Newcomer was being brought into the Group room. I was shocked to see it was Ted. You see Ted and I dated my girlfriend. In fact on the night that she and I went to a school dance, Ted showed up and wanted to get her back. I was terrified that he would beat me up. Ted is a rather large guy. Now, here he was in Straight. The Staff Member that brought him in explained that Ted really wanted to be here. He brought his parents here to sign him in. He was seventeen.

On February 12 was probably the worse day on 2nd Phase for me. I was selected to stand at a door during the Open Meeting. I was standing next to another Oldcomer. I wasn’t there for more than 10 minutes. Suddenly, I was being replaced at the door. I was confused. I sat down in the group, a little upset that I wasn’t going to be standing at a door. Just before the Open Meeting started, a 5th Phaser said that I had been reported for rocking out at the door. I was stunned. I know damn well I wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. I asked the 5th Phaser who said this. He said Tim reported me. This guy was still on 5th Phase but was promoted to Trainee. He was very arrogant and not many people like him. "Big surprise" I thought. I asked the 5th Phaser if he personally saw me rocking out. He said "no".

During the Open Meeting review, I was stood up and Tim started the confrontation. I really don’t remember how long it was, thinking back on it, I want to say that I stood up for myself and denied any wrongdoing. But as I read my MI from that night, I must have given in to the group. But today I can tell you; I did not rock out at the door that night. The next few days met with more confrontations. I was beginning to get frustrated. I remember times when I didn’t want to be at Straight, Inc. anymore. I remember days that I refused to motivate and talk with the Group. This only led to more confrontations. Looking back, I am really surprised I wasn’t started over.

During another Open Meeting, I remember "carving" on my arms. I used my fingernails to mark on myself. I was carving Denise’s name into my arm. There were other things I carved as well, but do not remember what it was. By the end of the Open Meeting, both my arms were swollen and red from all the carvings. My arms throbbed in pain. I was never confronted about this, but I remember preparing myself for it. Peggy had announced to the group that I was getting a Newcomer. I was excited about this prospect and the Newcomer was happy about it too. But someone raised their hand and told her that they didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of me taking a Newcomer home right now because I had spent the Open Meeting carving on myself. I suddenly realized my little game during the Open Meeting was going to have consequences. Peggy told me to stand up. I could feel every eye on my arms. I was embarrassed and ashamed. She looked at me and with a disgusted gruffness in her voice said, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I just stood there and shrugged my shoulders and said, "I don’t know." Then she said something that absolutely shocked me. She said, "Have a seat." I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t confronted, I wasn’t disciplined or anything. I remember telling myself that I would never carve again. I lost an opportunity to have a Newcomer and didn’t want to take a chance like that again.

On February 22 I put in for 3rd Phase. I’m not really sure why I put in for it. After all the second week on 2nd Phase was awful. So I wasn’t really surprised when I didn’t get it. That night I learned I really needed to slow down and accept the fact that my program was going to be longer then I wanted it to be. I was too anxious to get out.

I remember times when I was confronted because I wasn’t "sharing my feelings." I was really doing pretty well but there was no convincing the Group or Staff. It got to the point that I had to make stuff up and out right lie to them. When I was pushed for an answer lying was the only thing I could do some times. But that’s the kind of thing that happened to everyone. I learned that as long as feeling words were mentioned when I related, the Group was happy and for the most part the Staff was too.

I remember my parents getting letters from June. She was happy that I was getting help and she told them that she was looking forward to seeing me when I got out. I thought about her just about everyday. She was a real emotional support for me. But at the same time I missed Denise and thought of her often.

Finally, on March 5, 1982 I put in for and made 3rd Phase. I was really looking forward to getting a job so I could get away from the group for a while each day. But that would be easier said then done.











PHASE #3

1) THE CLIENT IS WORKING ON HIMSELF/HERSELF, FAMILY AND ACHIEVEMENT
This is the Phase the Client returns to school or work. The Client is to come directly to Straight from school or work.

2) When not attending school or work the Client is required to be at Straight, 7 days a week
Again, no making or receiving telephone calls, letters, etc. (exception- Dime Therapy) At this time the Client may read, listen to the radio and watch TV Parents should monitor and supervise reading material, television and music. This is all with PARENT CONSENT.

3) Again, the Client or family may not have visitors.
The responsibility again is the parents to get the Client to and from Straight, Inc. promptly at the designated times.

4) If the Client is to return to work, Staff must check out the job and they will notify you.

5) Doctor and dental as check-ups, not only emergencies, can be scheduled. The Client takes the initiative using the permission procedure.

6) Again, Moral Inventory is mandatory daily.

On 3rd Phase I could wear a watch, listen to the radio, watch TV, and could read. Anyone 16 years of age or older could obtain a Driving Permission but most Clients that drove were out of High School and at least 18. I was now expected to get a job. I was looking forward to getting out and working again. In order to apply for a job, I had to obtain permission from Staff to go job hunting.

These permission forms were very detailed. They were set up to teach one responsibility. I had to put the permission form in at least 72 hours in advance. I had to state what date I intended to go on this permission, what I intended to do on this permission, who I was going with, when I was leaving and what time I expected to return to the building.

When I wasn’t out looking for a job, I was required to be in the building 7 days a week. Often times, I was one of a very few Oldcomers in the building. Most of them were in school. I often times led the mini-raps in the Intake room in the morning. I loved doing this and in fact started toying with the idea of becoming a Staff Member in the future. I was also chosen to stand at a door most of the time.

Up to this point I didn’t have a Newcomer, I really wanted one. I finally got my first one on March 12, 1982. Although I don’t remember his name, he was one of the worst cases I had seen in the program. I got him home and while I was writing my MI, he started getting sick. His emesis was purple. He was addicted to Heroin and was now going through withdraws. I was scared to death for his well being. My parents called Staff. Someone came and took him to the hospital. I never saw him again. I was a little leery about taking another Newcomer for a while.
On that same night Steve was 7th Stepped. I remember saying good bye to him and that I would get with him once I got out of the program.

My next Newcomer was 19 or 20. He had a long brown beard and looked scary to me. I remember not sleeping a wink that night convinced that he would try to attack me and leave my house. I put in for another Newcomer and explained the fear I had.

On March 13, 1982 I wrote my MI about showing more appreciation for the Group and for Straight, Inc. I wrote that I honestly believed that if it weren’t for the program that I would be in jail, or dead. Then I wrote "The tough love that is given and the peer pressure is amazingly effective in getting Druggies straight." "The Group doesn’t let things slide by either. Inner motivation as well as outer motivation and the desire to live a better life is the key to getting straight, not just drug-free."

Believe it or not, I was still having a great deal of trouble relating in group on rap topics. It was very frustrating. Then, on March 17, 1982, I was confronted about this issue and was told to relax about it and don’t let it bother me any more. I was not going to be punished in any way for not having something to talk about. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. As it turned out, a lot of people were having the same kind of problem.

One day after exercise rap I was standing near the 5th Phase Desk. A person in the program who had been on 3rd Phase, and who had recently been started over was misbehaving. Sue had noticed that his zipper was down. "Put your zipper up." she requested. He looked at her and with a smirk on his face asked, "Why? Do you feel…Powerless?" Inside, I really wanted to bust out laughing. But seeing as how she was standing right next to me, I knew that if she heard me laugh I would be confronted next. So I pretended to be mad at him for showing her disrespect. To this day, I think it was the funniest statement every uttered to a Staff Member.

Although I don’t recall the exact date, it must have been around this time that Cathie made Staff Trainee. One other change was made that involved the Group Staff Supervisor. That position was no longer considered an Executive Staff Position.

On March 28, 1982 my mom showed me a newspaper clipping. As I read it, I felt a wave of shock come over me. A guy that I did drugs with from time to time had been shot while running from a yard after looting a car. The 40-year-old owner of the car fired a single .38 bullet at him, hitting him in the head. He was in serious condition at General Hospital. I believe he made a full recovery. It made me thankful that I was off the streets and in here, getting some help.

I continued to look for a job. A few more possibilities came up, but nothing definite. At this point, I had spent the better part of 129 days in group. Nearly 1,477 hours. But that was all about to change.

On April 5, 1982 I made 4th Phase. Now I was able to have 3 days off a week. I could hardly wait.

Chapter 9

First Phase- Cincinnati, Ohio

January 6, 1982 was the first day of operation for the Cincinnati Straight, Inc. There were 55 clients. I was very proud to be one of them. I was still on first phase and was disappointed in that but I felt more comfortable knowing I was in an area I was familiar with.

Steve and his parents drove us to the building for the first day. Again, I was placed in an intake room. There were six intake rooms. Thankfully there was more room for us and we weren’t so cramped in there. The Group room, although not nearly as big as the St. Petersburg group room, was more than sufficient. Brand new signs with the steps hung on the wall. There was a double door that led into the group room, bathrooms, a drinking fountain, a time-out room, and an infirmary, which had two beds. A door leading to the Senior and Junior Staff offices, another door leading down a narrow hall to the intake rooms, a kitchen area, and one other door that led to the Carpet Room. It was a small room, but adequate for our needs.

At lunchtime we were not served food from a caterer, but rather we packed our lunches and were served orange juice or grapefruit juice to drink. Dinners were great. I will always remember being served hot meals for a change. At some point I remember hearing about the drinks we were served. Staff had ordered 50 cases of orange juice and 50 cases of grapefruit juice. What we got was 100 cases of grapefruit juice. The Group was "regular" for months as a result of that mistake.

On January 8, 1982 I put in through the chain of command to be called on during the "past" part of raps. I was always being called on in the future part and didn’t think I was getting a lot accomplished. I was still having problems remembering parts of my past that related to the rap topic, but at least I was trying to work on it.

Steve was really great. He and I worked hard on my program. He really took a lot of time going over my MI’s. If it wasn’t a good one, he made me write it again. He and I got along more like brothers rather than Oldcomer/Newcomer. The one thing I will always remember was the alarm clock. Steve had a smoke detector hooked up to a digital timer. He called it "The Beast." Was it ever loud! I can tell you we never overslept.

On January 8, 1982 was the first Open Meeting. I earned Talk. The one thing that was different from the St. Petersburg Open Meetings was the fact that they went so fast. I think that the first Open Meeting, including the Open Meeting Review was over by no later than 10:30pm. It was nice to get back home and in bed at a decent hour. I remember lying in bed that night thinking that the St. Petersburg group was still in the middle of the Open Meeting and hadn’t even started the Open Meeting Review yet. With that, I dozed off to sleep.

During my time in Cincinnati I started seeing things that I hadn’t seen in St. Petersburg. I suppose this was because there wasn’t a lot of room to in the smaller room in St. Petersburg. I started seeing people "misbehave". They would sometimes fight when they were asked to sit up or pay attention. Others would yell out and disrupt the rap. When another person in group tried to get the person to stop, they would start fighting and hitting them, this resulted in about 4 or 5 people taking the misbehavior and dragging them to the side of group where they would be sat on. One person would sit on each limb and sometimes a 5th person sat on their chest. It was a terrifying thing to see. I can distinctly remember not being allowed to watch what was going on. We had to stay focused on what was going on up front. The raps would continue as if nothing was going on.

Some of the restraint sessions resulted in broken bones both the misbehaviors and the person doing the restraining. Some people were restrained for hours, others only a few moments. After most of the restraining sessions, the misbehavior would stand up and later make amends to the group for his outburst. Other people would try to run for a door in order to cop-out. In seconds they were tackled violently to the ground.

One thing I remember the Staff doing to embarrass or humiliate a person was what I call "Name Changing". A misbehavior would be made to sit on the girl’s side of group and was given a female name. Robert was now Robin, Don was now Donna, and Jack was Jacquelyn and so on. Although nothing like this ever happened to me, I remember thinking that I wouldn’t mind sitting next to some of the girls. But I was compliant and I was never told to sit on the girl’s side.
I confronted someone for the very first time in Cincinnati. It was during what was called a Confrontation Rap. This took the place of a regularly scheduled rap and just one person was singled out. A girl named Marsha had not been involved in the raps, was misbehaving daily and frankly the Group was tired of it. At one point I was called on. I stood up. I was scared to death. I had never done anything like this before. I basically told her that I didn’t appreciate how she was wasting my time having to deal with her crappy attitude. I then said, "I can’t respect someone like you for doing this." She began tearing up for the first time since the start of this rap. Shortly afterward, she told the Group that she would start getting involved again and made amends to the Group.

A few weeks after we moved to the Cincinnati area I learned that the Staff was required to do a home inspection. This ensured that Newcomers could be kept safely at home with little chance of copping out. I was excited about the possibility that Lee would be coming over. I knew that I didn’t want Mark there. About an hour later the doorbell rang and when the door was opened I heard Mark’s voice. I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to hide the fact that I didn’t like him. I talked about myself as much as I could, but I was doing it to make him feel good about me. The whole time he was there my heart was in my throat. I was a nervous wreck. He couldn’t leave too soon for me.

Over the weeks that I stayed with my Oldcomer, I grew especially close to my Foster Mom. She was so easy to talk to. I didn’t have this type of relationship with my first Foster Mom. I could talk to her about anything, she has a great gift of listening and she encouraged me a great deal.
On January 15 I earned Talk again. After the talk I was confronted because I wasn’t really sharing a lot of feelings. It wasn’t really a bad confrontation. It was done in such a way that it was something that I needed to take into consideration. When I sat down I actually felt better and could focus on how to make my next talk more productive.

Some Newcomer’s were still causing problems in Group. I remember one event like it happened yesterday. Once, during exercise rap Peggy was working us hard. We were doing sit- ups. At one point, she was yelling at us to push ourselves harder. I was in pain as my stomach burned. Suddenly another Newcomer yelled out, "Fuck you!" I immediately stopped doing the sit ups because I knew he was going to be confronted. True to form she stood him up and the confrontation began. I was always careful to show the Staff the respect that they demanded even though I knew not all of them deserved it.

The next day something clicked. I ‘m not sure what the events were that led up to this point, but suddenly it was like a curtain had lifted that before now, obstructed my view of the obvious. The whole program began to make sense. I understood how the steps worked. I knew how to make the needed changes. I started myself over day one. I set the goal to be on 2nd Phase on day 70.

On January 18, I asked for "Nothing." I explained to the group that I had started myself over and that I really didn’t deserve anything because I thought I was not doing enough. I went on to explain that the program had just started making sense to me. I was shocked when I got Talk that night.

I was excited about my progress. I continued to work hard in every aspect of my program. I even started helping other people out in the group. In the next Homes Rap, I asked for and got Talk. In the following Homes Rap I asked for and got Talk and Responsibilities. I was right on schedule. Or so I thought.

Then it happened. On January 29 I asked for Home for the very first time. I got TNR. That night I got extremely mad. I didn’t hold back and try to hide my anger. I was convinced that I was more than ready to go home but I didn’t achieve my goal.

The next morning, Peggy stepped out of the office and stood in the back of the Group. I knew as soon as she started making eye contact with the Staff Members up front and they started looking at me, I was going to be confronted. My heart was bounding like crazy. I was terrified. "Don Smith…Stand up." I slowly stood. Peggy really laid into me confronting me about the attitude I copped at my Oldcomers house. I acknowledged that I was upset because I didn’t get to go home last night. In true Peggy style she started a pity party for me that the Group eagerly got in on. "1-2-3 Ah" I was visibly upset by this and tears swelled in my eyes. Then she said "You know what? We were going to send you home Monday but after your little temper tantrum you’re going to have to wait. Have a seat." I sat down as those words echoed in my head.

Peggy was true to her word. On February 1 I asked for Home and got TNR again. I was still upset, but I didn’t let it show. On February 5 again, I asked for Home and got TNR. I was really mad at this point but I knew that Staff was watching for me to react. But I didn’t. I continued to work hard. I wasn’t going to let her beat me.

Finally February 8 I put in for Home. I made it. The one thing I remember was how I had always looked forward to running clear across the room at full speed to my parents. My parents came into the Open Meeting room and sat just three rows back and I was on the second row almost directly across from them. So my long run turned into nothing more than a short jog to my parents. But I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to finally be off 1st Phase. I had worked really hard, I knew I would have to remain consistent and not let up. I didn’t want to ever be back on 1st Phase.

During the Open Meeting Review, Steve came up to me, hugged me, and told me he was proud of me. I thanked him for all the help and support he gave me. Then he told me that I had to have a Dime Therapy list. This list is used by all Oldcomers to call someone for help, support or advise in case of any problems. The Dime Therapy list consisted of three 4th Phasers, two 5th Phasers, and one Staff Trainee. I insisted that Steve’s number be on the list as a 5th Phaser. I also wanted Todd’s number on the list.

When we were dismissed I made my way out to the parking lot to find my parents. I was hoping that I would see my old car out there, but I wasn’t too surprised to see they were driving something else. I got in the car and asked where my car was. They told me they had gotten rid of it. My parents considered giving it to my sister, but were concerned for her safety. They thought that a lot of people knew my car and would mistake my sister for me because of the car. They thought it would be best to sell the car and get it out of the family.

On the way home my mom told me something that absolutely shocked me. After the Open Meeting, Peggy came up to my parents and told them they even though I had done and said all the right things, Staff was still not 100% convinced that I was really ready to go home. But they were willing to take the chance. If there were any problems, Staff should be called at once and they would take care of me. At first, I was hurt. After all, the Staff that I trusted didn’t seem to trust me. Before the end of the night, I decided that I wasn’t going to let that get me down. I was going to prove them wrong.

After we got home, we had a snack. We stayed up really late. I talked with my family in a way I hadn’t done in years. I wrote my MI and learned that Pamela and I were on 1st Phase the same number of days. 73. Soon, it was time for bed. My parents showed me to my room. They had moved me into my sister’s old room in preparation for Newcomers in the future. The room was bigger. The door- knob was turned so that it locked from the outside. The windows were screwed shut too. My parents thought it would be a good idea to lock me in my room for the first couple of nights. It would be two weeks before I could leave the door unlocked. I really didn’t have a problem with it. I was asleep in a matter of moments.

Chapter 8

First Phase- St. Petersburg, Florida

PHASE #1
THE CLIENT IS WORKING ON HIMSELF/HERSELF
1) The client is living away from home with a Foster Family. This is for a minimum of 14 days. Court Order cases a minimum of 30 days.
2) NO making or receiving phone calls, letters etc., from friends or parents. No television, radio or reading.
3) The Oldcomer of the Client must take a direct route from Straight to their home. No stops on the way.
4) The Client will attend Straight from 9:00am to 9:00pm Monday through Saturday. Sunday from 2:00pm to 9:00pm
5) Oldcomer is responsible to have Client at Straight promptly at designated time and pick up Client at closing.
6) The Client is responsible for doing a Moral Inventory daily (MANDATORY)

I sat on the front row. I was trying to adjust to the idea that I was going to be here for at least two weeks. The papers I signed stated that as an adult, I was obligated to stay here for at least 14 days. After that, I could pull myself from the program and leave. I missed my family, I missed my sister, and I missed Denise. I didn’t know anyone here other than Cathie, and I wasn’t allowed to talk to her. I was scared.

This room was a lot smaller than the main auditorium. In fact this room was really part of the Carpet Room. There was a blue divider directly in front of me. Staff stools sat just to my left. The girl’s side of the Group was also to my left. Each side had about 5 rows, 6 chairs in each row, about sixty chairs in all. To my right 5th Phasers stood along the side of group. Behind the 5th Phasers was a cinder block wall. Along that wall in the rear of the room was a door that led outside. There was always an Oldcomer standing in front of the door. There was a wall behind the 5th row. There was another door directly across from the one that led outside an Oldcomer stood there as well. This door led to the St. Petersburg group in the main auditorium. To the right of that door was a piano.

Once I got my bearings, I started watching the Group. I had been told that I wasn’t allowed to talk for the first three days. I was to observe. I watched these people flap their arms up and down in a manner I had never witnessed before. It looked silly. But I knew better than to laugh. They did this to get called on and talk to the Group. It was called Motivating. One of the Staff Members would call on a person. They would stand up and talk about the topic at hand. After the person was done talking the Group would yell in unison "Love ya", followed by their name.
As I was sitting there taking all of this in, a thought occurred to me that sent me into a panic attack. "When Denise gets home and sees the house key, she is going to think I left her intentionally." I frantically and instinctivly raised my hand to a 5th Phaser. I wasn’t supposed to be talking with anyone during a rap but frankly I didn’t really think about it. The 5th Phaser looked toward Staff and the Staff member shook his head allowing the 5th Phaser to approach me. I told him that I needed to call Denise and explain to her where I was. By now I felt so guilty about what I had done, I began crying uncontrollably. The 5th Phaser tried to calm me down but his next words only made things worse. "You can’t call anyone, let alone your druggie girl friend. You’re better off here any way." I continued to beg him to let me make the one phone call but I was repeatedly denied access to a phone.

The next thing that happened was lunch. I was told to stand; an Oldcomer grabbed me by the belt loop. This was going to take some getting use to. I didn’t like it. I was led out to the large group room and in a line. After I picked up my lunch I was led back to the small group room. I sat and ate what I could. I remember the cottage cheese was watery and I didn’t like the pineapple that came with it. There were black droppings floating in and around my red cherry juice. I didn’t want to know what it was, so I didn’t ask. After I finished eating what I wanted, I passed it to the end of the row to be thrown away. But soon, I saw my tray being passed back to me. I was instructed by a 5th Phaser to eat everything on my plate. I tried to tell him that I didn’t like some of the food. I asked for a straw for the cottage cheese. The 5th Phaser started yelling at me because he thought I was being smart, but I very serious. I wasn’t given a choice and choked down the pineapple and cottage cheese. Over the course of the next few weeks I got used to choking down all the food served to me. Other than the cottage cheese and the red juice, with black droppings in it, I don’t remember much else about the food.

There were a few more raps and then exercise rap. Again, I was grabbed by the belt loop and taken into the large group room. We were led to do hundreds of jumping jacks, squat thrusts, push ups, sit ups, we ran in place, and other exercises. A half an hour later, my lungs burned my arms and legs felt like lead, I was exhausted. I remember Peggy teasing me about being out of shape. I didn’t even have the strength to smile. Peggy was the Group Staff Supervisor of the Cincinnati Group. I was led to the water fountain. I was only allowed a five second drink. Not nearly enough water to replace the fluids I lost.

I was taken to the restroom. It was there that I developed a bashful bladder. The Oldcomer that took me to the restroom, stood directly behind me and watched as I urinated. If I had to move my bowels, an Oldcomer would stand just outside the open stall and watch me. It was humiliating. It took a while before I was able to urinate with someone watching me. I couldn’t move my bowels for the first two weeks there. This was common among brand new clients.
I was led back to the Cincinnati group. We ate dinner, which was just as bad as the lunch I’m sure. The next rap was called Rules Rap. The Staff Member started off by asking, "What’s the first and most important rule?" The answer I learned was Honesty. Different people stood up and explained what honesty meant to them and why it was important to be honest with everyone. Several people did this rule until a Staff Member asked for a different rule.

After Rules Rap, we sang some songs and then Night Rap started. I don’t have any recollection about that but they happened every night at the same time. At the end of the Night Rap, while Staff would summarize the rap, everyone would put their arms around each other. I was not comfortable with this and pulled away from the guy sitting next to me, but I was assured it was okay.

Staff instructed the Oldcomers to grab their Newcomers and line up for dismissal. Nearly everyone got up and started leaving but me. After a few minutes a guy came into the room and asked if I was Don. I acknowledged. He had me stand as he grabbed my belt loop. He led me out to the group room and we got in line. I was instructed to look directly into the back of the head of the person standing in front of me and stand heel to toe. I did. We stood there for a long time. This guy standing behind me hadn’t introduced himself and I didn’t know where we were going. I was scared. As I stood there, my mind wandered to thoughts about my family and Denise. I began to cry. Another 5th Phaser came up to me and asked why I was crying. I told him I was scared. I don’t remember how he responded to me, but he told the guy behind me that he needed to help me as much as possible. I was somewhat embarrassed. I, for whatever reason, would cry in the dismissal line for a least the first 4 or 5 days. I was an emotional mess. I remember other 5th Phasers would come by and smack the hands that were holding onto the belt loops to check if the grip was tight enough to keep the Newcomers from getting away.

The Group was finally dismissed and I was led outside to a blue pickup truck in the parking lot. I was told to enter the truck from the driver side and crawl over to the passenger side. I did as I was told. Once in the truck my Oldcomer finally introduced himself. "My name is Jack I’m a 5th Phaser here." I shook his hand and told him who I was and where I was from. Jack’s foster brother, Stan rode in the bed of the pickup truck. I was told to stare at a dot on the dash during the drive home to prevent me from reading billboards. After all, I was not allowed to read. I didn’t read any billboards; I merely looked at the pictures of the women advertising local strip clubs in the area. I think another reason for looking at the dot was to prevent me from knowing where I was and possibly plan to run away. The drive took about ½ hour or so.

We pulled into a driveway in front of a single story ranch style house; it was brown in color. I was led out of the truck from the driver side and taken inside the house by the belt loop. Inside, I was introduced to his mom and dad. They seemed nice. I was led to the kitchen area where we would eat a light snack. As a Newcomer I was told that I had to ask my Oldcomer for everything before doing anything. So, in order to make a sandwich I had to ask if I could get the bread, then the sandwich meat, and then the condiments. Once the sandwich was made, I had to ask if I could eat it. The purpose in asking for everything was to show my Oldcomer respect. After all, I was a guest in his house.

One sandwich in particular that became a favorite of mine was called a "Florida Sandwich." It consisted of two slices of bread, peanut butter, grape jelly, lettuce, marshmallow cream, and sliced bananas. As unusual as those sounds, it really is a good snack. As a Newcomer, it took a while for me to make it, having to ask for everything, but it was good.

While we were eating Jack and Stan began writing something in a notebook. Jack explained that this was something that I would be learning in a few days. I didn’t pay too much attention. It probably took him about 30 minutes to complete what he was writing.

After finishing our snack I was led to the bathroom for our shower. Jack asked me if I had ever taken a military shower before. I told him no. He explained that I would have to turn the water on and get wet. After that, shut the water off, lather up from head to toe and then turn the water back on and rinse off. The showers lasted less than five minutes. While he was in the shower, I was told to place my hands on top of the curtain rod so that my hands were visible from the other side; thus, he never took his eyes off me.

Jack tried to encourage me to shave my mustache off, saying it was a druggie image and he also explained that I placed security it having it. That logic made no sense to me. I simply liked having one. Although it wasn’t a very good-looking mustache I refused to shave it right away.
After the showers were done, I was led to the bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I saw. Inside were three beds. No pictures on the walls, no alarm clocks, nothing in fact, electrical other than the light switch for the overhead light. I was told the window on the far end of the room was bolted or nailed shut to prevent escape. I asked about the fire safety of all this and Jack assured me that everyone would be safe. To make matters worse, I watched as he closed the bedroom door, which was locked from the outside, and placed the key on a safety pin and placed it inside his underwear.

I got in my bed, which was the middle one, right between the Oldcomers. Sleep would come and go throughout the night. The events of the day raced through my head. I wondered what was in store for me tomorrow.

I don’t remember what time I was awakened. But I got more sleep than I first thought I would. It was a Sunday morning and we didn’t have to be at the building until 2:00pm. Jack and Stan sprang to their feet and had smiles on their faces. They acted as if they were excited about the new day. I still had my reservations. I got dressed and was led out to the kitchen for breakfast. Jack’s parents were there and breakfast, which consisted of cold cereal and milk, awaited us. Forgetting about asking for everything, I grabbed a box of cereal and proceeded to help myself. Jack yelled at me, "Just what do you think you’re doing?" I felt scared and apologized for not remembering. I put the box back and asked if I could get the box. He eventually let me eat but he made me wait a while. After breakfast I was taken to the bathroom to brush my teeth and comb my hair. I don’t remember what we did between breakfast and the time we had to leave to go to the building.

I was taken out to the truck and again, made to crawl across to the passenger side of his pickup. We drove to the Straight building and parked. I could now make out a little bit more of the building. I saw the bars on the windows again. I always stared at them and thought of the irony. As we entered the parking lot we went around to the left side of the building. I could see the door that led to my Group room. There must have been another entrance off to the left of that.
I was led into the building and into an Intake room. They were very small rooms. They were carpeted. There must have been close to two-dozen people in there already and I pushed my way through and was told to sit down. Jack gave me a hug before he left the room. I cannot describe how cramped it got in that room at times, oh, and the smell was awful. It smelled like a sweatshop. Perspiration was dripping off some of the other people in the room with me; it wouldn’t be long before I was sweating too. Standing in front of the door was an Oldcomer. He would ask if anyone wanted to talk about the changes they were making. They started flapping their arms in there too, just to get called on. No wonder it smelled to high heaven in here. People took turns talking about what they were doing about living drug/alcohol free. I just took it all in and didn’t say anything.

After about a ½ hour a Staff Member came to the door and asked if anyone had responsibilities. A few people raised their hands. The Staff Member selected some of them and instructed them to go stand at a door in the Group room. With them leaving helped the cramped surroundings a little but not enough for me. Another Staff Member told the Oldcomers to grab the Newcomers and line up. "Line up?" I thought. "How the hell are we going to line up in a small room like this?" What we did was simple. An Oldcomer would grab two Newcomers and put them heel to toe in front of him. He would stand just to the left of the door. Everyone else fell in line behind him so that the line went in a circle along the wall and worked itself in toward the middle of the room. Surprisingly enough it worked. Then we were told to head to our Group room. Again I was put on the front row.

I just tried to take it all in. I was still very scared. Although I didn’t have to participate in the raps, I was still expected to pay attention to everyone that was talking. I remember several times a day someone was telling me to listen up or pay attention. Sometimes, I got very mad at the people there. I didn’t like being told what to do. But again, what is a 135-pound skinny guy going to do? Another thing I did that seem to upset some of the people was to play the chair like a drum when singing songs or if I just started to get bored. A 5th Phaser would come down the row and grab my hands and tell me to knock it off.

Time virtually stood still. Losing track of time was easy to do after awhile. There were no windows in the room; the only light I saw was from the florescent lighting above. I found myself trying to look at the watches the 5th Phasers were wearing. It was only a matter of time before I would get caught and they would hide the face of the watch.

Something I found to pass the time was "clicking" with a girl on the front row. She and I would make eye contact and smile at each other or wink. I took a real liking to her.
By the end of the day, I was ready to head home. But as I stood in line, my mind again wandered to my family, and Denise and again, the tears would flow.

Jack told me that I would be doing a Newcomer Introduction for Monday’s Open Meeting. He told me that I should think about specific times when I used drugs and how I felt about it. He gave me some examples about what I could talk about. Stan helped me out with this too. As I tried to drift off to sleep that night, fear gripped me; I wasn’t used to talking in front of so many people.

Monday November 30 was a very long day. My first chance to talk came in the Intake room. I kept it short, basically saying that I didn’t like being here and that I was scared about having to talk in front of everyone today. Someone in the room raised his hand and when he was called on he told me that he knew how I felt. It really didn’t make me feel any better.

I remember the Executive Rap. We were led into the Carpet Room and I was told to sit Indian Style on the floor. Somehow well over 350 people were able to fit into this room. Up front sat two Executive Staff Members. There he was Dr. Newman. Next to him was Anthony Williamson, the Assistant Director for the Cincinnati Group. These raps were led in the same manner as other raps. Only the Executive Staff led them. This was the only time I ever saw the "professional staff."

I will always remember how the walls in the Carpet Room would literally sweat. When over 350 people are in a room, motivating, the heat would build up so much that the walls would appear to sweat with humidity. Occasionally but rarely, the doors would be opened to help cool the room off, I would watch in astonishment as the steam left the room through the open door. I had never witnessed anything like it. The smell that would emit from the room during these raps was unbelievable. The rap session went without a hitch as far as I remember. But by the end of the rap, my legs were in pain and I needed a shower.

We were led out to the Auditorium for Dinner and Rules Rap. I was placed on front row. Next to me I met a Cincinnati Oldcomer named Todd. He was on third phase. This Rules Rap was different. We covered rules that applied to the Open Meetings. One of the rules was Newcomer and Oldcomer Introductions. A person was required to start off his/her introduction by stating their name, age, the drugs we did, how long we did them, whether or not we believed we were a Druggie, and how long we were in the program (in days). From there we were to talk about our past drug use, family relationships, Druggie friends, school/work and trouble with the law. We were to talk about specific incidents and share how we felt about the situation. From there we were to talk about how we feel since being here. After that we had to set two short-term goals these were to be accomplished with in twenty-four hours and one long-term goal that was to be accomplished within three to six months. Other rules were; no eye games, no faking out parents. Another thing I was prohibited from doing was telling my Foster Parents I loved them during the Open Meeting. This would reveal to my parents who I was living with. My parents were not allowed to know who was taking care of me. When the Rules Rap was finished we started singing songs as the parents made their way in. I started playing my chair like drums. They called that rocking out and wasn’t permitted. Todd, on a number of occasions would grab my hands and tell me to stop. I always felt bad when he did that. I would stop for a while and then start doing it again. Todd was very understanding and supportive. Something told me that he and I would become very good friends.

I saw my parents for the first time since I signed myself in. They came in with the other parents and sat down. The Open Meeting started and I was getting nervous. I was never more relieved when I saw that the Newcomer introductions were going to start on the girl’s side. But it didn’t take long before the mic was passed to me. I stood up and did my introduction. I really don’t remember anything I talked about. When I was finished I was visibly relieved. When my parents got the mic I stood. My mom and dad both told me that they were relieved that I had signed myself in and that I was here. They knew I could make it here.

The Open Meeting was a lot longer on this particular night. Remember I had been taken from the Open Meeting on Friday before it was finished. This was the first of many full term Open Meetings. When the parents were talking to their children several went home. Every time I saw someone go home, I would tear up. It was always a very emotional event for me to witness. Several had to stand and talk to them because they didn’t earn anything. After the parents were finished talking to the children, the Staff member asked if there was anyone in the group/audience that was celebrating a birthday or anniversary. Those that were came to the front with their parents. We sang "Happy Birthday" and "Happy Anniversary" to them. After that was finished, the Open Meeting was closed in the Lords Prayer and the Group sang, "Pass it on."

As the parents were dismissed chairs were set up for those who had earned "talk". Oldcomers would take them to their parents. Meanwhile, everyone else, including me, just sat there, watching as my parents left the room. I cried.

After the "talks" were finished, we were led to a different part of the Auditorium. A wall was put up to separate us from the parents. Open Meeting Review was started. The Staff had each Newcomer stand one at a time as other clients in the Group critiqued each of the Newcomer introductions. Some of the reviews were constructive criticism, while others were mercilessly torn apart and the Client strongly confronted by the Group. We were told what to talk about and what things we could do to make our next introduction better. I was glad to hear my first introduction, while not in any way perfect, was well done.

After the Introductions were reviewed it was on to the most dreaded time in the Open Meeting Review. Confrontations. Staff Members would call on different clients in the Group and begin confronting them about a variety of things from not being involved in the rap sessions, misbehaving, and other offenses. It was horrible. Some of these confrontations were at times brutal. The language used was harsh. I was never permitted to use language this strong in front of my parents. Although I used this language on a regular basis, I felt uncomfortable hearing it now.

The Open Meeting Review lasted well into the early morning hours. We probably weren’t dismissed until 3:00am. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But I wasn’t going to bed right away. I still had to learn how to write a Moral Inventory.

The MI is broken into four different areas. The Challenge is the main part of a MI. It deals with a specific problem that needs to be addressed and changed. Within the challenge I must explain what the challenge is, why it’s there, what will happen if I don’t change the problem, what will happen when I do make the change and how I plan on making the change. Good Points are three specific traits, characteristics, or other things I like about myself. Goals are five specific things that I want to accomplish in the next twenty-four hours. The Blessing consists of things that I am thankful for. In a lot of cases I wrote mine as a Prayer to God.

I wrote my first MI on my anger. I wrote that I would get angry with the 5th Phasers every time they told me to do something. I thought that if I didn’t get my anger under control, I would be started over or have my days frozen. My good points included accepting my program, although I still had no idea how to really apply the program to my life. I admitted I am powerless over drugs. I said the right words, but knew I was lying. The goals were real general, relate in at least three raps, don’t get angry, and have a "positive" day. Looking back on it, it seems so silly.

That night, I shaved my moustache. I really didn’t want to, but I did it to make my Oldcomer happy with me. He thought I was making a breakthrough.
The next morning, I returned to the building. I still didn’t like being there, but slowly; I was getting used to it.

I learned the Chain of Command on this day. It was one of the rules I was expected to memorize

Director
Benjamin Stafford
Assistant Director
Anthony Williamson
Program Coordinator
Patty Miller
Group Staff Supervisor
Peggy
Senior Staff
Scott
Junior Staff
Lee
Mark
Sue
Pamela
Staff Trainee
Gary

I took an immediate liking to Scott and Pamela. They seemed really nice. I always felt more comfortable when they were leading the rap sessions. I knew I could talk about just about anything in front of them. Mr. Stafford was different from any of the other Staff Members I had met up to this point. He was a quiet gentleman. I never heard him raise his voice to anyone. Mr. Williamson was one man I never knew how to take. He rarely smiled, he never seemed happy, yet there was something about him that motivated me. He had been straight for 13 ½ years. I thought it would be great to be able to stay sober that long. But I was scared of him for some reason. The one phrase he always said was "If you woke up before me, you’ve been straight longer than I have." Mark appeared to be a nice enough guy, but for whatever reason, I was very intimidated by him. I was always afraid that he would want to make my program harder than it needed to be. Lee was the Christian of the group. Not that other Staff Members weren’t it’s just that he wasn’t afraid to share his faith. Sue was a very pretty young lady and always treated me nicely. She was firm but fair. Peggy was a pistol. She had long red hair and very skinny. She was very loud and aggressive. She was the most confrontive and feared Staff Member of all of them. Gary was still on 5th Phase but considered a Staff member. He was a giant at the age of 17 he was also one of the most understanding Staff Members. He always treated me well.

I remember the first time I was confronted. I was stood up and asked about my hair. I was a little confused as to why someone would be concerned about my hair. It seems that these people have this idea that Druggies part their hair down the middle. I have always parted my hair on the side. The Staff Members accused me of parting my hair on the side to "make the group feel good about you". I told everyone that I had always parted my hair on the side and that it wasn’t possible for me to part my hair down the middle. Several Clients, as they were called on, yelled at me and told me I needed to get honest about my motives for parting my hair on the side. I started getting mad and I didn’t hold back. I started yelling back insisting that I was telling the truth about my hair. I don’t remember how long I was confronted but eventually I was told to sit down. I was very upset.

After a long day I was taken back home. When my Oldcomers went over my MI that night, I learned that he had taken the rule, no talking behind backs, a step further. I had written names in my MI, and when he read it, he made me scratch the names out. I did as I was told but thought it was a little extreme. After all, no one else was going to be reading these things.

Another thing that Jack always gave me a hard time with was the way I talked. He referred to it as "Druggie slang." Using words like "Man", "Dude", "Bomb", "Cool", & others seemed to bother him every time I used them. Playing the "Air drums or guitar" was another thing Jack insisted come to a stop. It would be a long time before that happened.

I remember having trouble during rap sessions. A Staff Member would ask the group a question and ask us to relate to it. I would struggle trying to remember specific incidents that I thought would relate to what we were talking about. I was always afraid that I was going to get in trouble. If I didn’t motivate, I was afraid that I would be confronted for not being involved. If I did motivate and was called on and then didn’t know what to say, I was afraid that I would get confronted for not being honest. The way I saw it, I was going to lose either way. So in most cases, I opted to just sit there.

At some point during my first week or so there, I looked back to listen to someone talk and suddenly realized that I knew someone I went to high school with. I later learned that he was nearly killed in a bad car accident. He wasn’t expected to walk again, but there he was. I couldn’t believe it.

One day the Staff had just finished a Morning Rap. Scott looked over at me and said, "I understand you play the piano." I nodded my head that I did. He asked "Would you like to play something for the Group?" I walked over to the piano and sat down and played the melody of a song I had written to Denise. It was great to play again. I hadn’t played since I was at her house. When I was finished, the Group applauded. When their applause died out, I could hear more applause. It was the St. Petersburg group. I remember thinking that it was pretty cool. Later that same day I was asked to play for the St. Petersburg group. As I was playing, I remember thinking that if anyone should find out that I wrote this song to my Druggie girlfriend, I might never be allowed to play again. I had a blast playing for everyone. It was probably the first time I was happy since I had been there.

On another day between raps, Lee came up to me and said he wanted to talk to me. I got up expecting him to grab my belt loop. He didn’t do it. He and I walked out the door, leading outside. He asked me how I liked being here. I told him that I know that I needed to be here, but I was scared to talk in the group. He said that he noticed that I wasn’t always motivating and wanted to know why. I explained that I was having a hard time remembering specific incidents that I thought related to the rap. He told me that he understood. He said it would take time but eventually I would be able to remember more as I went along. He asked me if I could talk about my sex life. I told him I didn’t have one. He was impressed that I had not had sex. I was embarrassed. He told me that he thought I was a neat person and cared a lot about me. He gave me a hug and we went back inside. For whatever reason I knew that he was being honest with me and really cared for me.

December 11, 1981, was the first Homes Rap I could ask for something. I basically just told the group that I deserved "Talk" because I was at least putting forth an effort to talk to the Group. I knew I didn’t deserve it and needless to say I was strongly confronted by everyone. I earned nothing that night. My parents stood me up during the Open Meeting and told me that I wasn’t being honest when I did my 2nd Newcomer introduction. My dad told me that I wasn’t going to be coming home until I was straight. I was so devastated I sat down and bawled my eyes out. Todd put his arm around me and tried to console me. It was one of the worst days since being there.

During the Open Meeting Review, I was strongly confronted and told that I needed to get honest with my introductions in the future. After they were finished with me, Staff started talking about another Newcomer in the group. From what I remember this person had stabbed his Oldcomer in the back of the head with an ink pen. I couldn’t believe it. People were getting hurt here just because others don’t want to be here. I remember praying that I didn’t get put in a Foster Home with someone like that in the house. Oldcomers and Newcomers were copping-out every day I remember waking up in the middle of the night, terrified that my Oldcomers would be gone. Every time I woke up I looked to see if they were still there.

Over the next ten days, I started working harder. I earned "Talk" for the first time on December 18, 1981. I was never happier to be able to talk to my parents for the first time since I had been there. But three days later, I earned nothing again. I was not very consistent.
I often thought about ways I could cop-out. Ideas about how I could cop-out were real irrational. There were skylights in the ceiling in the main auditorium at least 30-40 feet above the ground. I would fantasize about climbing up the I-beams and busting out of the skylights. I also thought about charging the doors and kicking the Oldcomers who were standing there, through the door and leaving the building. I know, they are crazy thoughts, some of the most irrational stuff I had ever thought before, but when you’re in a place like this, that’s the kind of thoughts that run through a persons mind. I wanted out of there so bad, I felt like I could do just about anything to get out. But the problem was, I had no idea where to go if and when I ever did get out. I didn’t know how to get home. I had no friends or relatives that lived in Florida. So I was stuck. Knowing that I would never really leave.

One evening after Group Jack was taking me out to the truck, I tripped over something in the parking lot. Jack got mad and slammed me into the side of the truck and started yelling at me. He accused me of trying to cop-out. I was in tears and started yelling back at him and told him that I wasn’t trying to leave. It was a bitter argument. Eventually he put me in the truck and the subject was dropped. He didn’t say a word to me the entire ride home. While we were eating our snack later that evening, Jack realized that he was wrong and knew that I hadn’t tried to cop-out. In his own little way, he made amends for the incident.

As Christmas was approaching I remember being able to watch the Christmas specials on TV. I remember feeling appreciative to be able to watch TV. But to be honest, I really believed I didn’t deserve to watch the TV shows. I enjoyed it nonetheless.

During a Friday night Open Meeting Jack was promoted to Staff Trainee. After the Open Meeting, I remember asking him, "So, Dude, what’s it like to be on Staff Trainee?" Jack got extremely mad at me for using druggie slang. He and I started having problems at home after this. I will never forget the next morning when he dropped me off in the Intake room. I turned around to hug him. Jack started yelling at me about how I was breaking the Chain of Command. I panicked and raised my hand to him. He yelled that he was a Staff Trainee and I was breaking Chain of Command. I started to cry and when he saw this he asked what I wanted. I said, "All I want is a hug." Jack looked embarrassed and came back in the room and hugged me, but I could tell it was a bother for him to do it. I was hurt and just sat down and cried. When someone in the room tried to find out what was wrong I just told them I didn’t want to talk about it. Despite our differences, for what ever reason I really liked Jack.

On December 26, 1981 I learned that I was going to be moved to a different Foster Home. I should’ve been happy. But I was not. I wanted to stay. I really thought that Jack wanted me out of the house and had made a request to have me moved. I was really scared that I would be placed in a home with a violent Newcomer who would hurt me. I was terrified. I remember the next morning before going to the building; I cried and told Jack that I loved him. It must have been his day off because Stan took me in to the building. I never saw Jack or Stan once I was dropped off in the Intake room.

I have absolutely no recollection of the Oldcomer I lived with for the rest of my time in St. Petersburg. I remember that Steve a 5th Phaser in the Cincinnati Group was in a room with some other Oldcomers but as far as who took me home and where we went, who went over my MI’s, where I slept, I don’t remember at all.

Toward the end of the year a Third Phaser and I were asked to get together and write a song to the St. Petersburg group. We worked on this for a few days and we taught it to everyone in the Group. This kid I worked with was about 14 or 15 years old. He was clean-cut. I would never have guessed that he really needed to be there.

On January 5, 1982 I spent my last day in the St. Petersburg building. I don’t remember anything until we were getting ready to leave. We sang the song that I had helped to write to the St. Petersburg group and then we were seated on the far end of the auditorium on the floor. I remember seeing a young kid that had come into the program on the same day I had. He was fifteen years old. I crawled over to him and started talking to him. I think he was still on first phase and I knew that what I was doing was against the rules, but I really wanted to talk to him. I told him that I knew he could make it through the program and that I would come back to visit him on my 5th phase vacation. I expected him to be on 5th phase too. He assured me he would be. I reached over and hugged him good-bye. I never saw him again.

We were taken to the airport and flew to Landry airport just outside of town. When we landed I looked out the window as we taxied to a stop. What I saw brought tears to my eyes. Out on the landing pad were two buses from the church I attended. I couldn’t believe it. We were loaded on the bus and driven to a church down the street from my church. We were given Foster Home assignments from there. My new Oldcomer was Steve. He took me home and introduced me to his parents.

Steve was a great guy. He was a year older than I was. I was certain that I had known him from my past, before drugs. I asked him if he was ever a member of the YMCA and if he often hung out at the outdoor pool, diving. He said he had. For the first time in a long time I slept real well. I was back in familiar territory. The next day was going to be historic. Straight, Inc. Cincinnati was going to be open for business. I was excited.

Chapter 1

From Childhood to Drug Use

I grew up in a middle class neighborhood. I was the older of two children. My sister is two years younger than I. I did poorly in school due to my lack of motivation to do well and a learning disability and hyperactivity that was diagnosed when I was 9 years old. Prior to that diagnosis I was tied to my chair by a teacher using a jump rope when I was six because I couldn’t sit still. I was physically abused by another teacher who shook me violently and slammed me against a wall when I was just 7 years old again for acting out and not being able to sit still. I was verbally abused by my fourth grade teacher who constantly told me I would never amount to anything and that I was a waste in her classroom. I started using four letter words at this age.

I had very few friends growing up. Even the friends I did have I constantly questioned if they really liked me or not. My self-esteem was practically non-exisistant. When I was in middle school my dad was the Principal. That made life tough for me. People were convinced that because I was the Principals kid, I could never get in trouble. I intentionally acted out so I did get in trouble.

I was finally placed back into the mainstream classroom when I was 12. I had spent two years on Ritalin and now the drug was making me more hyper than before. I was still a bit hyperactive, but there were no medications available to help me. I did just enough schoolwork to get by each grade. Sometimes I wonder if my dad being the Principal had an influence on the teachers to pass me when in fact I should’ve been held back.

In eighth grade I met a girl named Janet. She had a deep beautiful tanned body. She had gorgeous blue eyes and a brilliant smile. I was attracted to her instantly and tried desperately to befriend her. It was during this time that my last piano teacher had to quit teaching me to play because I wasn’t using the proper finger techniques to play the music. Within two weeks of that I began writing my own music. I wrote my first song to Janet.

Over the course of that year I continued to write more songs to Janet. Whenever I wrote a song to her I would record it on a cassette tape and give it to her. At the end I would ask her to tell me what she thought of it on the other side of the cassette. She never did. I was also writing her "love letters" as many as three or four a day. In the mean time classmates were relentlessly teasing me. I was a very lonely and depressed little boy. One day I had asked Janet if I could talk to her. She agreed. We were standing out in the hallway just outside the cafeteria. I said, "I want to die." Janet seemed confused and asked, "You want a dime?" Frustrated and sad, I said, "No, I want to DIE!" Janet looked at me and said, "Well, do what you have to do." I was crushed. I didn’t really want to die. I wanted attention from her. I wanted her to plead with me not do it and tell me she cared about me.

In the end I realized that Janet would never really like me as a friend, let a lone be my girlfriend. But I stilled cared for her very much.

After eighth grade we attended Anderson Heights High School. I watched for Janet in the halls but we were very rarely in the same classes. She barely spoke to me.

My freshman year was uneventful except for taking up cigarette smoking where I saw older students smoking pot. In the 1970’s it was not unusual for high schools to have smoking areas. As long as the students had their parent’s permission to smoke it was allowed. It didn’t matter that most of the students were under 18 and it was illegal for us to buy cigarettes but that law wasn’t enforced at all. I was never approached about smoking pot with them.

During my sophomore year I was in class when I was approached about smoking pot for the first time. I don’t even remember who he was, but he told me he was going to get me high after class. I told him that I wasn’t interested but he persisted. After class he and I made our way down to the smoking area. He pulled out a joint and lit it. After he took a hit off it, he passed it to me. I was scared. I was afraid that a teacher or principal would catch us. I took a hit and realized…I liked it. He and I smoked the whole joint, but I didn’t get high.

Over the next few days I smoked pot and it wasn’t until the fourth time that I finally got high. The high wasn’t as intense. It took awhile before that happened. Once I started getting high I started looking for more opportunities to smoke. Within three weeks of my first joint, I was doing other drugs. Speed and LSD were the next drugs I did.

During that same time period I was buying my own drugs. Every morning in the smoking area I, along with at least a dozen other people, would wait for the dealer to arrive. It was a mad dash to get the best pick of the joints he was selling. After I bought my joint we would get in a circle at the far end of the smoking area and smoke as much as possible before the first class of the day would start.

The highs usually lasted 4-5 hours. I really started liking the way I felt and wanted to get high more and more often. Pot had become my drug of choice, but would use Speed when it was available. I never really like the high that speed gave me. It gave me what felt like a sore throat.
One day I bought a hit of LSD (Purple micro dot) someone had told me that people using LSD talked to walls and had bad hallucinations. I was a little scared but I took the hit. It was an intensified high. Kind of like a marijuana high. I didn’t have any hallucinations, just a buzz. I liked it, but it was rather expensive. I only used LSD two other times over the five years I used drugs.

My relationship with my straight friends took a turn for the worse. I was hanging out with the "potheads" more often.

By my junior year I managed to get my first job at local steak house washing dishes. Janet was working there, but resigned shortly after I got hired. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I hated the job but liked the idea of having money to buy more drugs. I was now buying pot by the half or whole bag. I was getting high everyday. I can remember going to my hang out in the woods and seeing how much pot I could smoke in one sitting. I was skipping school more often in order to get high. I was isolating myself from the rest of family. I would come home and head straight to my room or down stairs and watched TV.

One day in the smoking area someone I had known since elementary school approached me. He asked if I wanted to smoke a joint with him. I, of course, said yes. This joint was different. The paper was red. It was a larger joint than I had seen before. He and I smoked it. It tasted different. I asked him what was in it. He told me that I was smoking pot with Cocaine in it. I was a little scared. Had I really gotten to this point in my life that I was doing Cocaine so soon? About a half-hour later I learned that this guy was arrested for possession. The high was something I had never experienced before. For a while, I was afraid that I might never come down from its effects.

By the end of my Junior year I realized that I had a serious drug problem. It was the only thing I really wanted to do. I had to attend Summer school in order to become a Senior. I even got high in Summer School.

I attended a Christ In Youth Convention in Michigan with my youth group from church. I really needed to get away from the drugs for a while. I rededicated my life to Christ and swore that I would quit doing drugs. But within a week, I was smoking pot again and looking for other ways to get high.

After I relapsed I started getting high while at church functions. One time our youth group was going on a retreat out of town. We stopped at a restaurant to eat. But another guy and I went to the restroom and smoked pot. We were nearly left behind because everyone was back on the bus waiting for us. We didn’t have time to smoke a cigarette to help cover the pot smell. We got back on the bus, knowing we reeked of pot. I was scared and embarrassed when I walked by my sister. No, I have to say that I felt more ashamed of myself for what I was doing. My sister endured a lot over the years as I continued to use drugs.

I worked in the Audio Visual Department at my church. The room we worked in was close to an exit. After the Minister would start his sermon, I would step out to the parking lot and get high. I often times stole cigarettes out of cars in the parking lot.

One day my parents found my pipe and a stone, along with some other paraphernalia in my bedroom. I was scared of what they were going to do. I admitted to them that I had "experimented" with pot and tried speed once. They believed me and told me to stop using. I told them I would.

My senior year saw the addition of more drugs. I was introduced to Downers, Tye Stick, Hash, Rush, and later, Alcohol. Although a lot of these drugs weren’t used on a consistent basis, I use them whenever I could. There wasn’t a drug I wouldn’t do at this point.

I remember huffing Rush in choir. After using it so much I got bad headaches, but I really didn’t care. The buzz was the only thing I wanted.

I got a 10-day out of school suspension for smoking outside the smoking area. That was the longest period of time I ever went without doing drugs since I started. I was grounded and didn’t have an opportunity to get out of the house. When I returned to school I bought as much pot as I could. At this point I was saving as much pot as possible to smoke on the last day of school. I was also attending night school so I could graduate with the rest of the class. I was told that if I failed one class I would be held back another year.

One day my English teacher was giving me a lecture in the hall just outside my classroom. He was telling me that I could be doing so much better in class. I knew what he was saying was true. There were a few times that I really worked hard for the first half of the quarter and get B’s and C’s by midterm. But then I would stop working and slide by with D’s and F’s. While my teacher was talking I began feeling sick to my stomach. I asked if I could go to the rest room. He told me no. The next thing I remember I was waking up on the floor. My head and jaw hurt badly. I was taken to the nurse’s office via stretcher. The Paramedics were called. I remember one of the medics looking concerned. I was bleeding from my ears and mouth, a textbook sign of a head injury. Witnesses told them that I passed out and fell flat on my face. My knees didn’t buckle and my face took the full force of the fall. I was loaded in the squad. On the way to the hospital the medics started giving me a hard time and accused me of being wasted. I denied that I had taken anything, knowing full well that I had. We were stopped at a railroad crossing. I heard one medic say, "It’s a good thing he’s not in full arrest." I cannot remember anything else until I woke up in a hospital room. I had lost consciousness for several hours.

I was kept in the hospital for 5 days while they ran a series of tests to determine why I had passed out. It was then that I learned who my true friends were. My Minister visited me once in the time I was there. I called all my friends to see if they could visit, but none of them showed up. In the mean time my parents told me that they had found the pot I had in my jeans. I was upset about losing that pot.

I called June, a girl that I was taking a liking to. She was a track star on the school team. In fact she later broke the Ohio state record for the women’s 400 dash. She had pretty green eyes and shoulder length brown hair. I thought she was the prettiest girl ever. She showed up just about every day. I asked her out on a date and she said yes. I was the happiest I had ever been since doing drugs. The doctors were not able to determine why I passed out. I left the hospital a little concerned. I knew that drugs were part of the reason I passed out.

But that didn’t keep me from getting high. I returned to school and got right back into the drugs again. No one really said anything to me about my stay in the hospital. But I could hear people talking behind my back. June would try to get me to quit, she was concerned about the amount of drugs I was doing. But I didn’t want to quit.

I lost my job at the steak house but I really didn’t care. As long as I could get my hands on drugs, I was fine. I continued to steal money from my family in order to support my habit. I even broke into a friend’s house one night, and took money from his brother’s room. I was almost caught in the house when everyone came home while I was still there. The terror I felt as I jumped the fence can’t be put into words. An arrest was the last thing I wanted.

Penny, a girl I had often skipped school with was getting married. I took my first drink at her wedding reception. I discovered I had a low tolerance for alcohol. I got sick most of the time. I didn’t even like the taste, but I liked the buzz it gave me. I didn’t drink everyday for a while. I still preferred pot to anything else.

On the last day of school I got really messed up. I smoked pot, drank alcohol, smoked hash, dropped speed, and LSD, huffed Nitrous Oxide, and Rush. I had never been as high as I got that day. During my graduation ceremony I got drunk and high before arriving at the ceremony and huffed Rush during the actual ceremony itself. I was truly a mess that day. I remember feeling scared to even go up to other classmates and say goodbye. I never had many friends and thought people didn’t like me very much. I was lonely and I just wanted to leave.

After graduation I got a job working in a warehouse. I also started attending college. I was going for an Associates degree in Communications. After office hours at the warehouse my boss would allow me and some of the other employees to stay late on the clock and drink as much beer as we wanted. I can’t tell you how many times I drove my car drunk. I am surprised that I was not arrested that year.

I was eventually fired from the warehouse. I got a job working in a body shop washing cars. One of my responsibilities was to clean the interior of the cars including the ashtrays. I found pot in a lot of cars this way. I also found other drugs in glove boxes. I stole everything I found, figuring no one would ever complain about it to my boss. I was really surprised how many drugs I found. I found a film canister with 20 hits of Speed, & several bags of pot. I almost always had something to get high with while I worked there. I was drinking more and at one point I was taking up to seven hits of speed at once. Less than a week later my mom found the speed I had hidden in my room. There were only three hits left.

My best druggie friend, Thomas, who was still in school for another year had gotten kicked out of his house for using drugs. He resorted to living in the woods in a nearby neighborhood. I felt obligated to help him out in anyway I could. I remember the first time I saw him, he had a make shift bed made out of plywood, a small area was cleared for making a fire and a dishwasher rack was used as a grill. He was sitting on a cinder block; he had a plastic bag with some white stuff in it. I was naive and really thought he had developed a respiratory problem being out in the cold and wet weather. I figured the white stuff in the baggie was a prescription drug for his problem. What he really doing was huffing glue. He showed me how to do it. The buzz was fantastic, but I started having some dangerous reactions to it. I would pass out and would wake up crying like I had never cried before. I started huffing glue every chance I got. It got to the point that I would walk down the street with the bag over my mouth and nose and huff it in broad daylight. I didn’t care who knew. This drug nearly killed me. One night I was alone in a park down the street from my house. The park was closed and no one was around. I started huffing the glue. As I was getting high, I started hallucinating. I saw a man on a 10-speed bike coming at me. As he went by me, he hit me in the face. I fell and lost consciousness. I woke up crying. I believe that when I came out of my high from huffing in this manner, I had really stopped breathing. Crying is a way for the lungs to get stimulated and breathing to start again. Much like a newborn needs to cry after it is born to start breathing on its own. This was by far the most dangerous drug I ever did. I quit huffing after this, the fourth incident.

After the first semester of College was over, I dropped out because I failed accounting. I became discouraged and gave up on furthering my education.

One night Thomas and I were driving along SR 34 in Batavian, Ohio. I had smoked a lot of pot and had a few beers. I passed a State Trooper, and he pulled me over. I was a little more than nervous. I was terrified. The Officer believed I was driving under the influence. He gave Thomas & I a roadside sobriety test. We both failed. The Officer’s words caused my heart to drop. "Well, your friend is too drunk to drive, and you’re under arrest." I had never been arrested before and I was scared. How was I going to tell my parents about this? I was taken to the Post and given a Breathalyzer test. I blew below legal drunk but was charged with reckless operation. I didn’t have a choice but to eventually tell my parents what had happened. They were very upset and disappointed in me. I felt ashamed. I lost my driver’s license for 3 months and had to pay a $100.00 fine. Once I returned to work, the State Trooper would stop by work and check on me. I hated that.

One night my parents wanted me to go to a movie with them and my sister. I didn’t want to go. I had an opportunity to buy more pot and so I faked being sick. After my family left, I got in my car and went to Penny’s house and bought a bag of marijuana. I smoke some of it and returned home. A few hours later my parents came home. I could tell they were upset. They insisted on searching my room. They knew exactly what they were looking for. I had hidden the bag of pot in an old box that my grandfathers use to own. My parents found the box and told me to open it. At first I resisted and said no. But after a while I knew my parents weren’t in the mood for any back talk. I finally consented and opened the box. They took the bag of pot and the pipe I had recently bought. My parents were very upset, especially my mom. I wasn’t sure what they were going to do. My parents called of friend of theirs that was a retired police officer and was currently working as a police officer at a local college. When they got off the phone with him, they took me over to his house. I was scared that he would arrest me and have me prosecuted for possession. But when I got there, he took me into his basement and started lecturing me. I despise being lectured to. He got out this pad of paper and started taking notes on what I was saying. I got angry because I thought he was trying to act like some kind of psychologist. That really irritated me even more. It reminded me of the times I was taken to counselors before. I hated it.

I met Denise in October 1981. She was only fifteen and also attended Anderson Heights. She had brown hair, brown eyes and a beautiful smile. We got along real well. My parents seemed to like her too. She and I got high and drunk together often. She was a rebel of a child and had conflicts with her parents. It was rough for a while.

I was fired from the body shop and my supply of drugs stopped. I resorted to drinking since it was readily available. I drank daily from that day on. I would wake up at 6:30am, go to the store, buy two six packs of beer, place them in the cooler and would be drunk by 7:30am. I drank until 2:00pm. I would pick up Denise from high school and hung out with her drinking more beer and smoked pot if she was able to get some at school. I dropped her off at home at 5:00pm. Most of the time I would buy more beer and drink until I got home at 10pm. The next day I would do it all over again.

On the weekends, Denise and I would go out together. One night we went to see a movie in a nearby village. We got drunk on the way to the theater. After the movie we resumed our drinking. I was taking her home when I ran a stop sign. Suddenly I saw flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror. I stashed the bottles of beer under the seat. Denise was terrified! I tried to pretend like everything was okay. But inside I was scared. How was I going to explain this to her parents if I got arrested for DUI? How was I going to explain this to MY parents? The Police Officer told me why I was being pulled over and asked for my license. I gave it to him, and he returned to his cruiser. Denise and I tried to calm each other down. I was getting ready to be given a roadside sobriety test. About five minutes later the Officer returned, gave me my license back and told me to be more careful. I was shocked! I got away clean, not even a warning ticket. I was sure he could smell the alcohol in the car. But I wasn’t going to argue with him. We got out of that village quick.

Another night Denise wanted to run away to Tennessee. I knew that my taking her over state lines could get me in a lot of trouble. She and I went to the local park, smoked pot, drank beer, and made out. When the park closed, I took her to another spot where we continued to make out. I got an idea to call a friend and see if we could stay in his trailer he had parked in his back yard. Denise and I wanted to have sex. I drove to a convenient store and tried to call him. I got a busy signal several times. I got back in the car and was planning on waiting for a while. About five minutes later, my dad pulled up along side me in the parking lot. I was mad. Denise got pissed and was convinced that I had called my parents and told them where we were. Her parents were called and they met us at my house. Her parents, while upset because they didn’t know where she was, were nonetheless relieved that she was okay and that I had taken care of her.

One night, my mom called me into her bedroom. She was watching a television special. It was about a drug rehab in St. Petersburg, Florida called Straight, Inc. The camera cut to a shot of the front row. There was Cathie, a girl I had gone to church with for years. I was a little disturbed by the content and didn’t stay in there long enough to see the rest of the program.
A few nights later, while smoking in the garage, I saw my mom talking in the car with Cathie’s mom. They were in the car for well over an hour that night. I didn’t think anything of it. Perhaps I should have.

Introduction

America’s Most Controversial Drug Rehab.

A small group of parents from an Orlando, Florida based drug rehab founded Straight, Inc. in April 1976. Its first branch was opened in St. Petersburg, Florida. Straight, Inc. was designed to treat adolescent youth from 12-22 years of age for Chemical Dependency. Over several years, Straight, Inc. opened other branches in other major cities across America, including Orlando, Cincinnati, Southern California, Plymouth, Atlanta, Washington D.C., Virginia Beach, Springfield, Dallas, Boston, & Sarasota.

Straight, Inc. theorized that peer pressure got kids on drugs and peer pressure will get kids off drugs. Utilizing professional and Para-professional staff, the group was led in several rap sessions each day. Clients were expected to talk about their past drug use and how it effected their lives, family, friendships, school and trouble with the law. The group of clients held each other accountable for their actions and gave support to each other throughout their treatment. The program utilized a condensed 7-step version of AA’s twelve-step program.

The 5 Phases of Straight

First Phase- A client is classified as a Newcomer. A Newcomer initially loses a lot of things in the first several weeks. They are prohibited from reading, watching TV, sending or receiving mail, making or receiving phone calls, and listening to the radio. Contact with the family is limited to five-minute "talks" which are earned by the Newcomer up to two days a week. The Newcomer has even lost responsibility over him/her self. They are held on to and led by the belt loop by Oldcomer’s, clients who are further along in their program. Newcomers are watched twenty-four hours a day. Their clothes and personal items, right down to their deodorant, are searched for drugs and paraphernalia, or anything that may be used to get high or harm themselves.

On First Phase Newcomers stay in the homes of Oldcomer’s and are a part of their family. This exposes them to family life in a home without drugs/alcohol. The Oldcomer’s become the Newcomers friend and confidant. They help them learn the steps of the program and how to write Moral Inventories, which are required to be written daily from their third day.
First Phase is spent talking about SELF and learning how to share their feelings that they have for their past. It is during this time that they learn the rules of the program and other aspects of being a client in Straight, Inc. First Phase is a minimum of 14 days long, although most clients will spend considerably more time on this phase. The Client must earn his way to Second Phase, when they can go home.

Second Phase- Second Phase starts out at that exciting moment when a Clients goes home to his/her family. In cases where the client lives outside the treatment area, he/she will remain in a Foster home with another client. The major goal for second phase is working on FAMILY relationships. The client can now wear a belt and has responsibilities over other Newcomers and work around the building. Reading is limited to the Bible. Phone calls are limited to "Dime Therapy" in which one can call another client for help or advice. At some point, Staff will conduct an inspection of the home to ensure that Newcomers can be kept safely. All Oldcomer’s are required to care for Newcomers at some point in their program. This is done at the discretion of Staff. There is no minimum time frame for Second Phase.

Third Phase- The Client on third phase now works on ACHEIVEMENT at school or work, while continuing to work on SELF, and FAMILY. The client returns to the building after school or work. In this important phase, the client faces outside peer pressure for the first time since entering the program. The client can now wear a watch, watch TV, listen to the radio, and read. Phone calls and mail restrictions still apply. There is no minimum time spent on third phase.

Fourth Phase- During this phase, the client begins a staged withdraw from active involvement in the program. He/She comes to the building four days a week, after school or work. Fourth Phaser’s sit in a specially designated area in the group. Fourth Phaser’s may now make and receive phone calls and send and receive mail. The major goal for fourth phase is to learn constructive use of LEISURE TIME and to develop healthy, quality peer FRIENDSHIPS. Fourth Phase lasts a minimum of 90 days.

Fifth Phase- During the fifth and final active phase of treatment, the Client is only in the building three days a week. He/She now concentrates on SERVICE to others and social responsibility and prepares for 7th Stepping. Fifth Phaser’s are part of the chain of command and are responsible for the Group. Fifth Phaser’s take requests from other clients in the group and pass them on to the higher levels of Staff and ensure that the request is answered in a timely manner. Fifth Phaser’s stand along the side the group as an example and watch over the other clients in the program. A client remains on fifth phase for at least 60 days and can only be 7th Stepped by the Director of the program.

7th Stepping (Graduation) The client is now out of the active aspect of the program. A 7th Stepper is required to attend after care meetings twice a week for the first three months and one day a week for the final 3 months. A Client who lives out of state is only required to attend 1 after care meeting a month for six months. A 7th Stepper is still required to write daily Moral Inventories until the six months of after care treatment is completed. Dating is still prohibited until the six months has ended.

The 7 Steps

1) Admit I am powerless over drugs and come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

2) Make a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of God, as I understand Him.

3) Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself daily.

4) Admit to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs immediately.

5) Make direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injury them, myself, or others.

6) Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understand Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

7) Having received the gift of awareness, I will practice these principals in all my daily affairs and carry the message to all I can help.


The Three Signs

Think, Think, Think

First Things First

Easy Does It

Serenity Prayer
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference

The Five Criteria

Is it based on objective reality?

Is it goal producing?

Does it keep me out of conflict with myself or others?

Does it make me act and feel the way I need?

Does it protect my life?

In the following chapters you will enter a world known by few. Please keep in mind that I do not profess to be a writer. The story line throughout the book may seem inconsistent and choppy. This is a result of a great deal of time having elapsed. The experience is told from information I retrieved from my Moral Inventories, and actual documents obtained from a variety of branches of Straight, Incorporated. The names used in this book are fictional.