Chapter 12

Fifth Phase

Phase #5
THE CLIENT IS WORKING ON HIMSELF/HERSELF, FAMILY, ACHIECHMEMENT, LEISURE TIME/FRIENDSHIPS, AND SERVICE TO OTHERS.

1. Phone calls may be made at this time.
2. No old drug-using friends or hangouts.
3. Responsibility for transportation of Foster children is parent and child’s.
4. No permission is required for the child to go different places, as long as parent accompanies youngster. If 5th Phaser wants to go somewhere alone, with other people on the program or the parent of other people in the program permission is required.
5. Moral Inventories are mandatory on a daily basis.
6. This is the last phase, which is designed to assist the individual to put into practice use of the skills he/she has learned. During this phase they will be working directly with other kids on the program. Parental cooperation is extremely important during this phase.
7. After completion of the program, meetings will be held for the benefit of your child, friends, and family.


Fifth Phase would turn out to be the longest Phase of my program. I was glad to be there and was looking forward to working with the Group and of course looking forward to the extra day off. There is a lot to learn about 5th Phase. So much in fact that every new 5th Phaser was required to spend the first 7 days in the Group before getting a day off.

Fifth phase was an intricate part of the Chain of Command. All requests from the Group had to go through a 5th Phaser first. I was required to carry a small pad of paper and a pen every day I was on duty. These were used to write the requests down so they could be passed on through the Chain of Command. Chains of Command were taken between raps and during lunch and dinner. In some cases a 5th Phaser would be permitted to answer a question without going to a Staff Trainee. For instance, I could allow a client to use the restroom provided it would not cause a disruption.
A 5th Phaser was required to stand on the front row at all times to maintain supervision of the clients seated there. If for some reason a 5th Phaser standing on the front row needed to leave that post or was called away, he must get another 5th Phaser to stand there before leaving. 5th Phasers were responsible for seating the clients in the proper row at the beginning of each day. Each row was expected to be perfectly straight. A 5th Phaser had to ensure that all clients were sitting up straight in their chair paying attention to the person and following all rules. If a client fails to do so a 5th Phaser would go directly to him and confront him so he conforms. If it was believed that confronting the client would cause a disturbance, another client was permitted to do this for the 5th Phaser and could even take measure that were more physical. For instance, if a client was not sitting up, another client could stick a knuckle into the small of his back, causing a great deal of pain and discomfort therefore forcing the client to sit up straight. The Group more or less policed them selves to keep order. 5th Phasers set an example and encouraged the clients to get involved in the on going raps.
5th Phasers were required to attend 5th Phase raps every Sunday that I was in. Junior or Senior Staff usually led these raps.

5th Phasers were required to keep an OBS (Observation) book in a 5th Phase desk. This desk was located along a wall in the Group room. There were two OBS books, one for the Guys and one for the Girls. Each day a 5th Phaser was required to write what he/she observed in Group after each rap. This information had to be as detailed as possible so that other 5th Phasers could be kept informed about the progress of each client. Keep in mind that accuracy is important because other 5th Phasers may be off for as long as four days in a row and need to be updated on each client. Any cop-outs, start over’s, set backs, terminations, or pull off’s are just a few of the things that are written in the OBS book. Only two 5th Phasers were allowed at the desk at a time. To have three or more 5th Phasers at the desk at once was thought to give the appearance of a hang out for 5th Phasers. The desk and the area around the desk was expected to be kept spotless and organized. No clutter was allowed to accumulate on or near the desk; Staff Trainees could at anytime inspect the desk for cleanliness. 5th Phasers were limited to just fifteen minutes at the desk. Not a lot of time when you think about the amount of information one was expected to catch up on.

5th Phasers were allowed to talk about other clients behind their backs. What I couldn’t read in the OBS book could be given to me in an oral report on clients. Talking behind backs was only permitted in the Group room and never outside. Talking behind backs outside the group could result in a set back to 4th Phase or lower.

It was generally understood that 5th Phasers were not confronted in Group. In fact I can only recall two times when 5th Phasers were confronted and both times resulted in the 5th Phaser being set back to at least 3rd Phase if he/she wasn’t started over. Confronting a 5th Phaser in Group was thought to be a sign of disrespect. A Staff member allowing a Phaser to confront a 5th Phaser reflected negatively on the Staff member. A Senior Staff or Group Staff Supervisor usually oversaw the confrontation of a 5th Phaser.

A 5th Phaser could not sit down at all except when seated at the 5th Phase desk. The rest of his/her day was spent on their feet. For at least the first thirty days of 5th Phase I recall excruciating pain and leg cramps. I thought I would be able to adjust to this better because I worked on my feet all day at my job site, but the muscles tightened up when standing in place for two or more hours at a time.
One of the most disruptive things that a 5th Phaser had to deal with was the misbehavior's. Misbehaviors were the clients that fought, ran for a door or became verbally abusive toward other clients, Staff, or 5th Phasers. In some cases other clients restrained a misbehavior by holding him/her in the chair. If the misbehavior broke out of that restraint and continued to fight several clients would wrestle them to the side of group and sit on them. Usually it took five clients to restrain someone. One on each limb and one to sit on their stomach area. It was common for injuries to result during these restraints because no one was properly trained to safely apply restraint to someone who is out of control. Clients could be restrained from a few minutes to several hours.

In the mean time the 5th Phasers were required to restore order to the rest of the Group. In some cases one outburst within the Group could lead to other misbehaviors acting out. If not controlled it could lead to caous. The rest of the Group must pay attention to the person talking. Anyone not directly involved in restraining a client was prohibited from observing the restraint process. Once a misbehavior agrees to calm down and comply, they are released back into the Group. That client could expect a strong confrontation from the Staff and group.

Anytime a client attempted to run for a door, several other clients tackled them vigorously. It didn’t matter if the person was eighteen years old or older. Straight had a Chain of Command in place and if an adult wanted to leave they had to submit a request in writing starting with the 5th Phaser. The only problem with that was the fact that 5th Phasers including myself would hold on to these requests for at least two hours before giving it to a Staff Trainee. A 5th Phaser had no idea how long it would take that pull request to make it up the Chain of Command.
5th Phasers no longer had to hand in permissions in 72 hours, but could put them in just 24 hours prior to the event. A 5th Phaser could go anywhere with their parents without permission.

5th Phasers could conduct One-on-Ones with a client after permission was given by a Junior or Senior Staff member. These requests however were seldom granted. Most One-on-Ones were conducted by Junior Staff, but occasionally a Staff Trainee would do them as well.

After some time on 5th Phase they could interact with members of the opposite sex. We were expected to show respect by not flirting with them or “checking them out.” 5th Phasers could also call 5th Phasers of the opposite sex on the phone after being approved by Staff.

I had a lot to learn and it was going to take me more than the initial 7 days to put it all into practice. Once the 7-day training period was over and Staff felt comfortable with how the 5th Phaser did, the Senior Staff set up a schedule. 5th Phasers could trade days off but only after getting Staff approval. This kind of request had to be put in at least 24 hours in advance.

My first night at home on 5th Phase my mom read some letters that June had been writing while I was on my program. She made it clear that she wanted to see me once I got out of the program. Although I was excited at the prospect of seeing her again, I was too concerned about getting in trouble and so I focused on excelling on 5th Phase. I hadn’t come this far to get started over because of June.
The next day, June 25 I was reading the OBS at the 5th Phase desk when Staff Trainee Tim came to the desk and sat down. I looked up and said, “Hello.” Tim asked, “How do you like 5th Phase so far?” “Fine” I replied. Then Tim said, “I understand that you had a situation at work yesterday.” I thought for a minute but couldn’t think of what he would be talking about. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “No, not really.” Tim sat up and leaned in close to me with a concerned look on his face, “Didn’t you have to work with some whiskey barrels with Steve yesterday?” “Oh yeah, I said, I forgot about that.” Tim looked a little confused by my response. I continued, “I didn’t really have a big problem with it. I hate the smell of hard liquor and I was never much of a liquor drinker.” Tim snapped back and said, “Well, I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” He continued, “Steve said he felt powerless!” I smirked a little and replied, “Well, that’s Steve. If he is still having problems, he needs to talk about it in the 7th Step raps. He talked with me a lot about it yesterday though.” Tim was dumbfounded by what I had said but without another word he got up and walked away from the desk. I returned to reading the OBS book and laughed at Tim behind his back.

On July 29 I was informed by Staff that I would be Fostering Out to help out a 2nd Phaser who was having some problems adjusting to living at home. His name was Brandon he was just 15 years old. He was a shy, quiet person during most of his first phase. I asked Brandon what had been going on. He told me that he was upset because there was alcohol in the house and felt extremely tempted by having it so close. I was a little surprised to hear this. When I arrived at his house I asked his mother if it was okay to conduct a search of the house. She complied. I headed straight for the kitchen. Within moments I found several bottles of cooking wine. I instructed Brandon’s mother to throw the bottles out. At first she refused saying that she uses it to cook with and besides, the alcohol burns off when used. Although I understood what she was saying I told that her son didn’t want it in the house because he could drink it straight and relapse. It took a little convincing, but she eventually threw the alcohol down the drain.

A couple of days went by without a conflict but on August 2 Brandon’s mom and I got into a heated argument. As she was about to go to bed she said, “You will need to take Brandon and his Newcomer to the building from now on.” This comment got me hopping mad and I told her, “I can’t possibly do that. I have to be at work at 8:00AM” She said, “That’s fine, you can get up early.” I snapped back and said, “I will not! I am not responsible for getting your son and his newcomer to the building. That is your responsibility.” “I cannot.” She said, “I have a lot of things I must do tomorrow, I won’t have time.” I replied, “I’m sorry Mom but I will not be taking your son to Straight. It is my day off and I don’t have any reason to go to the building.” “Fine” She snapped, “I am going to call Staff and let them know that your are being disrespectful toward me, then you’ll be in lot’s a of trouble.” At this point I had had enough of her and yelled back, “Fine, go ahead and call Staff. Just be sure to tell them the truth and that you’re too lazy to get up your self and bring him to the building.” She stopped and looked at me for a moment. She realized that I wasn’t messing around. Tears started welling up in her eyes and yelled, “ Why can’t you take him for me? I am so sick of driving all the way to Straight day in and day out.” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” I said, “but you need to realize that the only reason I am here is to help you and Brandon work things out. I am not his personal Chauffer.” She stormed off to her room and went to bed.

Over the next seven days conflicts came up between she and myself. I reported her to Staff but from what I could tell nothing was being done to rectify the problem. The relationship between Brandon and his mom wasn’t improving either and I was really beginning to get frustrated. See this type of problem made me realize how thankful I was for my own family.

By August 7 I had had enough. I was having trouble in all aspects of my life. I was still in conflict with Brandon’s mom, I was getting confronted by Staff for not being involved, I was getting yelled at by my boss at work and I knew my parents were getting frustrated because I had been away from home for so long.
On August 15 I was confronted in a 5th Phase rap because all this stuff was building up. I talked about everything that had been going on at work, in the Foster Home, and in Group. At one point Staff considered making my leave my job for a while. That really didn’t set to well with me because I thought I would be fired. After more talking Staff finally let me stay at work.

Two days later I was told I could go back home with my own family. I couldn’t have been happier. It wasn’t too long before Brandon stopped coming to the building. His mom had pulled him from the program.

On August 19 I was at work. I had just finished cleaning the pool and was clearing the deck with the backpack blower. Out of nowhere I feel someone tap me on the shoulder. It scared the crap out of me. I swung and around and saw the owner, Helen. I turned off the blower. Helen said, “Just what in thee hell do you think you are doing?” I explained that I was blowing the debris off the deck and onto the grass. Then I was going to take a bagger mower and cut the grass and pick up the debris all in one shot. She said, “No, no, no. I want you to rake the leaves off the grass and onto the deck then sweep everything up with a broom into a garbage bag.” I got a little irritated by the stupidity of the idea and said, “That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am not going to do it that way. It’ll take too long to do it your way and I can get more accomplished if I do it my way.” Helen got mad and replied, “Fine, I’m going to tell Wayne and see to it that you’re fired by the end of the week.” I was a little worried about that but at the same time I knew Wayne would back me up. Helen was a pretty lonely woman and it seemed that she had nothing better to do than play solitaire or give me grief. She seemed to enjoy both.

A few days later I had just finished cutting a section of grass near the pool. Suddenly Robert came up to me and excitedly said, “Come with me now, I have to show you something.” I was a little stunned that he wanted to see me, but followed him back to the Pool House. Once inside we got inside an elevator and took it to the very top floor. From there we took a flight of steps up to the attic, which had been converted into an office. We walked all the way to the other end of the room near a window that over looked the area of grass I had just cut. “Look out there, do you see it? I peered out the window and saw the section of grass. It looked like a checker- board. One week I would cut it vertically, the next week I would cut it horizontally. Robert said, “I like that a lot. In fact I am giving you a twenty-five cent an hour raise. Keep up the good work.” Robert and I left the office and I went back to work feeling pretty happy about the extra money.

August 26 after the Group had been dismissed Trainee Dean came up to me and told me take my Newcomer to an Intake room and meet him in the Time Out Room. The Time Out room was the smallest room in the building. It measure only 5X5 and was entirely carpeted to make it sound proof. I had never been inside this room but some of the most violent clients were often times put in here. I took my Newcomer to the Intake room and left him with another Oldcomer.

As I made my way to the Time Out room I started getting scared. I even thought of running out the door, into my car and leaving. But I couldn’t figure out what Dean would want to talk to me about. I hadn’t done anything wrong, at least nothing I could think of. I walked into the Timeout Room. Dean instructed me to sit on the floor. Dean crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at me in an intimidating manner. “You look like shit Don, what’s been going on with you?” Dean asked. I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Nothing, I feel fine.” I continued, not because I had anything of real substance to say, but I thought if I stopped it would open a door of opportunity for Dean to confront me. “I’ve had a really great week. I’ve been working real hard at work; in fact I just got a raise. My Newcomer is doing all right, my family and I are closer than ever before and I’ve got more friends than I know what to do with.” Dean seemed passive, almost as if he didn’t hear me and was thinking about what he wanted to say to me. Dean said, “So, what’s been going on?” I started getting frustrated and said, “Nothing, I’m doing great!” “I don’t believe you.” Dean said flatly. “Listen” I said, as I started raising my voice, “I don’t know what to tell you.” Dean left the room. I tried to calm myself down. I was still a little agitated and was a little worried about what was going to happen next. A few minutes later Jeff, a young Junior Staff member walked into the room. Jeff was only 16 years old but mature for his age. He had blonde hair and a brilliant white smile. Several of the girls in the group liked him. Jeff asked me how I had been doing. I told him that everything was fine. I didn’t understand why Dean was giving me such a hard time. Jeff seemed to study my face and body language for a few moments than he said, “I’m not sure I believe you.” My chin dropped to my chest and my heart began pounding to the point that I thought Jeff could hear it. A loud sigh escaped my mouth. I was upset that he didn’t believe me. He was actually siding with Dean. At this point I looked up at Jeff and said, “I want to see Scott, the Senior Staff member.” Jeff left the room without responding to my request. I bowed my head and prayed to God that He would make them understand that I was doing okay and that my being in the Time Out Room was a complete waste of time. Tears filled my eyes. I was terrified.

A few moments later, Dean came back into the room. I rolled by eyes and whispered, “Great!” Dean again with his arms crossed looked down at me and said, “Jeff doesn’t believe you either so just tell me what’s going on with you.” I felt helpless, lost. I really didn’t know how to respond. I just sat there. In that moment of silence I realized that I would again have to lie in order to get Dean off my case. I took a deep breath and said, “Well, sometimes I feel lonely and scared. I’ve even had thoughts of copping out.” Dean looked at me and said, “That’s bullshit!” I thought to myself, “Oh shit, he knows I’m lying, now I’m in for it.” He continued. “I never once thought of copping out on my program. What do you think about that?” Something deep inside me gave me the courage to respond to him like never before. The conviction welled up from deep in my soul. I sat up a little straighter and leaned closer to him. I looked Dean dead in the eye and said, “I think you need to get honest. There isn’t a person in this program that doesn’t think about copping out at least once.” Dean was dumbfounded and stammered for a reply but couldn’t seem to find the words to say. He left the room. A part of me was relieved that he was gone and proud of myself for standing up to him. But another part of me was worried that I would get in trouble for talking back to a Staff member. A few minutes later, Jeff walked back in the room. He said, “I’m taking your days off away. Get your Newcomer and go home.” I wasn’t happy with the punishment that was given to me. Once again I had to lie to get Staff off my case. I was punished for something that they couldn’t explain. I left the room, got my Newcomer and left the building.

The next day, Jeff came up to me and said, “You can have your days off back, under one condition.” “What’s that?” I asked. Jeff said, “You need to go on at least two permissions a week. You need to work on more friendships.” Although I knew it was for my own good, I really didn’t know exactly how I was going to get this accomplished. I was working forty hours a week, I was responsible for taking care of the Group three nights a week, maintain my family relationship, work with my Newcomer daily and now I had to set up two permissions a week. I smiled at Jeff and told him I would get right to work on it.

On August 30 Steve announced that he was going to be moving to Florida. Steve and I had become close, almost like brothers. I was going to miss him. I wasn’t sure if Steve was going to be replaced or not. A part of me didn’t want him to be. I was worried that his replacement would be someone who uses drugs.

Steve moved and I worked without him for the first time on September 2. It was on this day that I ran into a druggie friend. I could tell just by looking at him that he was still getting high. He told me that Thomas had moved to Florida. At first I was going to tell him that I was in a rehab but I decided that what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

While I had started going on several permissions and making new friends, I started to realize that the friendship between Todd and I began to diminish. A much as I wanted to call him and stay in touch my schedule was just too busy. I was also prohibited from associating with him outside of the building. Todd in the meantime was also concentrating on new friendships within the 7th Step Society. About the only chance I had to see Todd was behind the Group just before the start of the weekly 7th Step Raps.

One thing I noticed around this time was developing an independent attitude. I had started thinking that at some point I wasn’t going to be able to rely on the Group with my problems. I had to start working things out for myself. I was getting sick and tired of hearing other 5th Phasers say “Without the Group or Straight I would screw up.” To me that simply wasn’t true anymore. But no matter how much I tried to tell people what I thought, it was met with a great deal of resistance. Some people there surely thought I was on the road to self-destruction. But I knew better.
I started taking an interest in the Fire Department as a possible career. I knew several people that I associated with from school and church that were working at the Anderson Heights Fire Department. I thought it might be something I could at least look into. There was a volunteer fire department right down the street from the Straight building. I recall many times hearing the house siren going off, I could imagine myself responding to the call.

On September 9 I put in a Chain of Command to stop by the Anderson Heights Fire Department alone for a visit and perhaps talk to the Chief. The request was denied. I was very disappointed. I remember thinking that for the first time in my life I was taking something very seriously and now I wasn’t going to be able to fulfill the dream. I wrote Todd about my ambition. In fact I started talking about it with him so often, he started addressing letters to me “Captain Don.”
On September 11 I attended a football game at Anderson Heights High. As I was walking toward the concession stand I saw her. Denise was standing behind the bleachers. She had gotten a perm and she appeared intoxicated. My heart raced and my throat tightened. When she saw me a brilliant smile came across her face. As she approached me I could tell she wanted to hug me. I wanted to hug her tighter than I’ve ever hugged anyone. But because my dad was with me and I didn’t want him getting “the wrong idea” I resisted the urge. At first I was scared that perhaps Denise was going to start yelling at me because of the way I left her. I could only imagine how she must have felt when she got home and saw only a few letters and the house key. I could picture her in my mind with tears welling up in her eyes and the sadness she must have felt in her heart. Denise probably thought I had planned on leaving her. I didn’t smell any alcohol on her breath, which was a relief. To be completely honest I don’t remember what we talked about. Suddenly and without warning I became overwhelmed with several different emotions. Fear, sadness, and a deep desire to be with her again, just to name a few. I became angry that Straight wouldn’t allow me to even spend a few hours with her. At the very least the relationship needed closure. But I was still very much in love with her. I blurted out that I needed to leave. I could tell that I had hurt her. I turned and walked away never looking back. As I got to the parking lot, tears began streaming down my face. I cried almost all the way back to the building. I wondered if I would ever see Denise again. I felt obligated to talk to every 5th Phaser about seeing Denise, but no one seemed to care. It took a while but I eventually let it go. I continued to think of Denise often throughout my day.

On September 15 I had finally gotten permission to go to the Anderson Heights Fire Department. I was scheduled to take a general exam in order to become a volunteer firefighter. After the test was finished I walked out of the department feeling totally dejected. I knew before I had even finished the test I had failed. There were a lot of questions involving what I considered advanced fire related questions. I thought that perhaps this kind of knowledge would be learned on the job. My lack of mathematical skill really hurt me that day.
On September 17 Wayne told me to get with Franklin and help him with a task that needed to be done. I met Franklin at the entrance to the Pit. Franklin instructed me to drive the large dump truck into the Pit area. After I did that we loaded a pretty good amount of copper tubing. Franklin explained that the market value of copper was up. I was going to follow him to the scrap yard. Before leaving I watched Franklin as he took some copper and put it in the bed of his pick up truck. I didn’t think any thing of it. I followed him over to the scrap yard. Both trucks were weighed to determine the amount of copper. Franklin went inside and received two checks. We then returned to the Estate.

Sometime later I was able to talk to Steve about working with Franklin. When I explained what we had done, Steve enlightened me about the sneaky and dishonest things Franklin did. Steve said, “Franklin has been working for Robert for over thirty years. According to Robert, Franklin is the most honest man who has ever worked for him. But the truth of the matter is Franklin isn’t near as honest as Robert thinks. One day, Franklin was observed telling Robert that his C.B. radio had been stolen out of his truck. Robert asked him how much it would cost to replace it. Franklin told him that it was worth at least three hundred dollars. Without hesitation Robert pulled a wad of money out of his pocket and gave him the money needed to replace the C.B. I went down to where his truck was parked and discovered that his C.B radio hadn’t been stolen at all. It was still in his truck.” Fred continued. “I helped Franklin one day with the copper haul too. But when it came time to give Robert the checks Franklin only gave him the check from the pick up truck. He kept the check written for the dump truck to himself.”
I was astounded by what Steve had told me. Steve advised me to be very careful around Franklin and watch what I do and say.

On September 20 I had become bored and decided to go to the Pit and check out what all was there. It was rumored at one point that Helen had lost an engagement ring down there; I was determined to find it. There were old 78 records, most covered in dirt and mud. Some were in one piece while others were shattered. There was the old gas pump, some more copper tubing and other assorted junk there. In a fenced off area were rusty tools, wrenches, hammers, and screwdrivers. I must have been down there for at least an hour. Without warning I heard the familiar sound of Franklins pick up truck as he pulled into the Pit. I was terrified. I couldn’t even move. My heart raced I began feeling sick to my stomach. All I could do was stand there as Franklin got out of his truck. His face told me he was almost glad that he had caught me down here. “What are you doing down here boy?” Franklin asked. “Nothing.” I replied. My voice shaky and cracking with fear. “Just sort of looking around is all.” Franklin said, “Looking through all this valuable stuff huh?” I said, “Well I wouldn’t go so far as to say “valuable” really.” Franklin looked surprised at my response. Franklin said, “Oh, there is a lot of valuable things down in here.” Pointing to the rusty tools behind the fence, “Those are very expensive and hard to find.” I wasn’t impressed and just shrugged my shoulders and said, “Yeah okay. I personally wouldn’t give you a dime for the whole lot of it.” Franklin’s demeanor changed and he became angry. “Well you just get your ass outta here then and don’t let me catch you down here again, you understand me boy?” “Yes sir” I said. I quickly made my way out of the Pit without saying another word.
The next morning, Wayne came up to me and asked, “Don, were you in the Pit yesterday?” I shook my head. I could feel my face turn red. My heart raced as I thought of the possibility that I could very well get fired over this. Wayne asked, “Did you take anything from the Pit?” Almost defensively I responded, “No sir, not a thing!” Wayne continued. “Well, last night after you left, Franklin came up to me and said, “Wayne, I think I knows where my tools have been disappearing off to.”” Again I defended myself saying, “No Wayne I even told Franklin that I wouldn’t give him a dime for everything down there.” Wayne said that he believed me, but instructed me to stay clear of the Pit unless someone else was with me. Relived, I shook my head and promised Wayne I would do as he asked.

On September 21 I was in Group. There were a lot of clients misbehaving. At one point a client who had recently been started over from 4th Phase started fighting in the back row. I went over to him trying to calm him down. Suddenly he kicked at me, as I tried to block the kick he hit my hand. I felt and heard something snap in my thumb the pain brought tears to my eyes. Other clients quickly dragged him to the side of Group and sat on him. In the mean time I got the attention of a Staff member and told him what had happened and that I thought perhaps my thumb had been broken. I was taken to the hospital where X-rays were taken. I was diagnosed with minor ligament damaged. My thumb was splinted and I returned to Group. When I got there, the client who had kicked me was stood up. He made amends to me and promised to start working his program.

On September 24 I watched in amazement as six people made Staff Trainee. I felt a little scared in a way because I didn’t want to have to deal with some of the people as Trainees. I had mixed feelings about being on Staff myself. A part of me really wanted to do it, while at the same time I just wanted to get out. But I ended up signing up for the next Pre-Training class. It was my intention to take the course and make a final decision later.

On September 26 with my thumb still healing from the kick, I started looking over the situation with the misbehaviors as a whole. I began to feel the same kind of fear that I did in St. Pete, not wanting to be put in harms way of misbehavior. What made it different this time was the fact that I was IN this Group. It seemed like everyday someone was getting hurt some seriously. I began to think of the 5th Phasers as the front line in defense protecting the rest of the Group from the misbehaviors. We were literally putting our lives on the line. The violence in the Group had escalated to the point that I believed that misbehavior could really kill someone in order to get out of this program.

October 1 I started a long road of setting myself up for 7th Stepping the program. I knew without a doubt that I was ready. After all, I had been on 5th Phase for 70 days now. I remember a few days later becoming agitated and wrote in my MI, “I started feeling sick and tired of being in that room with this many people” Thoughts of copping out raced through my head with each passing day.

By October 10 I was beginning to get real inpatient about being in the program. I was thinking about 7th Stepping every Friday night. I started having a more independent attitude. It was around this time that I openly questioned some of the rules. During a rules rap I did “No listening to druggie music.” Lee was leading the rap. I asked, “Can I say something about this rule?” “Go ahead Don.” I started, “No listening to druggie music. I think that this rule has been taken out of context and many including myself had been led to believe that this meant I couldn’t listen to rock music. But to me, druggie music is any music I don’t feel comfortable listening to. Each of us needs to determine what type of music we feel okay with what type of music makes us feel bad. It doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t listen to rock music. We have to decide for ourselves HONESTLY what music we are really okay with.” I held my breath a little expecting Lee to say something to me, but all he said was, “Okay Don that was good. Someone else.”

Around this same time I started making plans for when I 7th Stepped. One career I gave serious thought to was cross-country trucking. When I was using drugs I had this dream of being a trucker with an endless supply of alcohol and speed. But now I just wanted to drive across the country and earn a decent living. I started looking into different driving schools in addition I got my class two drivers license.

On October 11 I went on a short 5th Phase vacation to Western Kentucky University. My sister and June were both attending there. My sister was studying to become a teacher and June was getting her degree in law enforcement. Although the purpose of the trip was to visit my sister, I was secretly hoping that we would run into June. There is no telling what would’ve happened to me if someone on Staff would’ve found out that June was attending college there. Perhaps they would’ve denied the vacation. But as luck would have it, June wasn’t around.

On October 14 I got a Newcomer named Bry. He was eighteen, about 5’10 blonde/brown hair and well mannered. He had been in the program for a little while. He was in the Navy just prior to his coming into the program. He had a great looking tattoo on his right arm of an Eagle. I took an immediate liking to Bry. Since he was from out of town I hoped that he and I would become Foster Brothers once he made 2nd Phase.

I learned the next day that I had not been accepted in the Pre-Training class for Staff. I completely eliminated the idea of going on Staff at that point. It was probably for the best after all I was getting ready to 7th Step the program.
On October 16 I got a brand new day one Newcomer. He too was from out of town. His name was Doug. Doug was an admitted homosexual and was very open about it. This openness made me uncomfortable. It’s not that I was homophobic it’s just that I had never been exposed to homosexuals in my life and it was completely new to me. Regardless of his sexual orientation I didn’t like him. I don’t think I pretended too hard to like him. A part of me was really upset about the idea of having a brand new Newcomer. It was different having Bry, he knew the steps, he knew how to write an MI, he knew how to share his feelings. Bry had really started making progress in his program and I knew it wouldn’t be too long before he made 2nd Phase. Doug on the other hand had to be taught everything about the program. I grew inpatient with Doug easily.

This was the first time I had to take care of two Newcomers at once. Transporting them safely would be a challenge. The best way I was able to do it was to place Bry and Doug in the back seat of the two-door car I drove. I took a regular belt and looped them together using the belt loops on their hips. The buckle faced the front of the car were I could see any attempt to remove the belt. Seat belts were run through the belt and fastened. While I drove I moved the rearview mirror down so I could keep an eye on them. Once we arrive at the building I would remove the seat belts and the belt from between them and have them back out of the car so I could grab onto them by the belt loop. On the return trip I did the same thing except when we arrived home I would open the garage door using an electric opener and would wait for the door to come completely down and make sure my dad was in the garage before getting them out of the car. In the time I took care of Newcomers, I never had one attempt a cop-out.

While taking care of my two Newcomers something started bothering me. I was treating Bry all right. I worked hard and really wanted to see him make 2nd Phase. But with Doug it was different. I was very harsh. This guy wasn’t even allowed to relate in Group yet but I was screaming and yelling at him all the time because he didn’t think he had much of a drug problem. I know he was scared after all he was hundreds of miles away from home and didn’t have any friends. I wasn’t being much of a friend to him.

I realized that I was treating Doug the exact same way my first Oldcomer, Jack had treated me while I was in St. Pete. I learned that it wasn’t that Jack hated me as I thought. He just didn’t want to deal with a day one Newcomer. He was on 5th Phase and within a few weeks made Trainee. He was looking to 7th Step and move on with his life. Now here I was in the exact same situation with Doug. My appreciation for what Jack had to go through with me grew a little that day. But dealing with Doug wasn’t made any easier because of my understanding.

I worked with Doug and helped him prepare for his first Newcomer Introduction. I’ll never forget it. He stood to his feet after being given the mic. He stood there silently. I held my breath and prayed that he would start talking. Then he spoke, “My name is Doug; I’m 18…” he stopped. Again I held my breath. I could see him starting to cry. I know that most of the people that were watching probably thought that Doug was getting in touch with some deep heart felt feelings for his past. I knew better. Suddenly the mic dropped to the ground. A loud deafening thud echo in the room. Doug started walking toward his parents. In seconds at least six people pounced on him, preventing him from walking any further. He was dragged toward the door leading to the Intake Rooms. Doug yelled out, “I love you Mom and Dad! I just want to go home….PLEASE!” The Oldcomers pulled him out through the door and down the hallway. Doug’s pleas for help slowly faded. I turned to the 5th Phaser standing next to me and said, “It’s going to be a long night.”

Later on in the Open Meeting, Doug’s parents stood. Doug was led just inside the room. His parents spoke their piece and then Doug was taken back to the Intake Room. During the Open Meeting Review, Doug was relentlessly confronted for trying to get his parents to let him leave. He was confronted for at least an hour. On the way home the only thing that I told Doug was that I was disappointed in him and to never pull that stunt again. The subject was dropped.

The next day, Scott came up to me and said, “Don, effective immediately all 5th Phasers must go on two mixed group permissions before they can 7th Step. You need to put your permissions together right away. I felt a wave of anger come over me that up to this point had not surfaced in Group. Scott could tell I wasn’t happy. I knew that my 7th Stepping had just been delayed even longer.
On October 25 I wrote a glowing report for my Newcomer Bry. I knew he was ready to go home. As I wrote the report I felt torn. A part of me was proud that he had worked so hard and was really ready for 2nd Phase. He had also become a tremendous help in dealing with Doug. On the other hand I was a little worried that Staff would move Bry to a different Foster Home. I really wanted him to stay with us even after I 7th Stepped. I wanted a Foster Brother.

Bry made 2nd Phase that night. As I watched him run to his parents, I couldn’t help myself. I cried, I was so proud of him. After the Open Meeting I learned that Bry was going to move in with another 5th Phaser who was only fifteen years old. “What could those two possibly have in common?” I asked myself. I was angry. I gave Bry my phone number for his Dime Therapy list just like my Oldcomer had done for me. I hoped that it was a tradition that would continue on when his Newcomers went home.
At this point a number of things started building up for me emotionally. On top of losing Bry to another 5th Phaser I was now having problems getting a Chain of Command through that would allow me to be the Best Man at a friends wedding. No matter how often or how hard I tried to get it put through, Dean refused to take it. It got to the point that I finally confronted Dean head on about it and stuffed the Chain of Command in his shirt pocket and told him I wanted an answer, and soon. Dean stammered and finally walked away. I was still trying to work with Doug. I didn’t think I was making any headway with him at all. Then I got another day-one Newcomer. This one had been court ordered into the program. To top it all off, I still hadn’t gotten the first of two mixed group permissions together which meant I wasn’t 7th Stepping any time soon. I needed time to relax and get organized.

But even through all the turmoil and grief, I began to deal with these and other situations on my own. Without the Group or writing an MI about it. I had developed an independent attitude and wasn’t too concerned about what other people thought about my beliefs or me.

After a few more days, my Chain of Command come through telling me I could be the Best Man at my friends wedding. As it turned out I was the only person that was allowed to take that day off. All other 4th & 5th Phasers had their days off taken away because the Group “wasn’t “doing well.” I attended that wedding on October 30. I had a lot of fun. My buddy’s parents hadn’t seen me since I had graduated high school. Although there was alcohol at the reception, everyone was careful to take my situation into consideration. Although I was thankful for the gesture, I knew it wasn’t really necessary.

On November 1 I pulled out of my driveway and snuck down the street to a place that Straight considered “A druggie hang out.” A place I had spent a lot of time at getting high. I quickly took a picture of it and left. Later that day I wrote a song about the place called “Deep, Shallow Waters.” It was the first and only song I wrote on a guitar. I would later play it for 7th Step Raps and other functions.
The next day, November 2 I came in from work and there on the front row on the girls side was Marsha. I immediately went to the 5th Phase desk and read through it to see why she was here. There was nothing mentioned about her there. She hadn’t been out of the program for more than a few weeks, what was going on? I had given serious thought to dating Marsha when I got out, but now she was here back on first phase. No one said anything about what happened. I started tracking her progress in my own MI book. I also made a commitment to come into Group on one day off each week until she was re-7th Stepped.

On November 9 I discovered something that I’m not really sure how to explain. I don’t know if all this talk this whole time about “Awareness” was just sinking in or I was starting to hallucinate or just what was going on. But as Doug was taking his shower I begin to have images of him doing things that I know he wouldn’t normally or even possibly could do. But I found myself studying every little part of that image. His facial expression, the direction he was headed or looking toward, other movements that I thought might prove important. After just a few moments I was able to interpret what this image meant. I was able to break it down in words Doug could understand. The interpretation was specific things that Doug needed to change. I never told Doug of the images I saw, only what I thought it meant. Doug admitted that he needed to change the very things I saw in his image.

The next day I put through a Chain of Command to talk to Gary, my personal Counselor. Within a few hours we were talking at the 5th Phase desk. I explained to him what had happened and was wondering if he had ever heard of such a thing or if I was going crazy. Surprisingly he said that he had and it even had a name. He said it was very common and was called “Imagery Awareness.” If I had to compare it with something else I would have to say it is similar to Pentecostals Words of Wisdom or Words of Knowledge. I found myself being able to use it on a number of other people in the program, and even on some Staff members.

On November 13 I along with 4 other people including Rhonda, the girl I clicked with on first phase in St. Pete went on the first of two mixed group permissions. We went to the Natural History Museum to see “The Tower of London” which was on display at the time. We had a blast.

I turned twenty-one on November 16. As I recall it was pretty uneventful. I remember looking forward to turning twenty one when I was using drugs. It meant I could buy 6% beer in Ohio at the time. Now that didn’t really matter anymore.
On November 17 I went on my last mixed group permission. Again Rhonda was there. This time we went to a pizza place with video games. Playing those games and just plain goofing off made me feel like a kid again. I really cut loose.

On November 19, 1982 I came in from work, got showered and changed. I hadn’t thought too much about what the Open Meeting was going to be like. I got right to work getting the Group ready for the Open Meeting. Just after the Books were read, Junior Staffer Jeff asked, “What Oldcomer guy wants to do their introduction?” Not wanting to do it, I kept my hand down and focus my efforts on making sure the rows were straight and that everything looked okay for the meeting. Beside, I had done an Oldcomer Introduction on 3rd Phase and I didn’t think it went all that well. I didn’t like the pressure. Suddenly Jeff yells, “Hey Don, what about you?” I politely declined the offer and continued looking over the group. Jeff was a little taken back by my response and soon left the room and disappeared into the Junior Staff Office. I didn’t think too much of it. A few minutes later, Jeff emerged from the office, looked at me and said, “Don, you’re doing your Introduction anyway!” “Okay” I said, not really that excited about it. Then it hit me. “You’re 7th Stepping tonight.” A Staff Trainee named Reid came up behind me and said, “You’re 7th Stepping.” I could hardly contain the excitement and relief I felt that after all this time I was finally getting out of here.

The Open Meeting began. I did my Oldcomer Introduction then went to the back of the Group. This meeting seemed to drag on forever after that. Finally Mr. Stafford was in front of the Group talking to the parents when he started talking about the changes he had seen in some people. Then he said, “The kind of changes that have been evident by the person who did his introduction tonight.” At this point Mr. Stafford turned around and looked at me and said, “Don Smith, you’re 7th Stepped!!” The room erupted in applause as everyone stood to their feet. My very first thought as I made my way toward Mr. Stafford was, “It is about time!” But I resisted. I gave Mr. Stafford a hug. My mom and dad made their way to the front of the room and we embraced as well.

The next person to 7th Step was Nancy. She was the first person to 7th Step that hadn’t come up from St. Pete. Two other people 7th Stepped with me that night. Shane and Kevin both of whom had come in a day after I did. Mr. Stafford made a point to tell everyone that Shane had completed his program without any setbacks. “Big deal” I thought. So had I. Before the Open Meeting ended we returned to the side of group. Shane leaned over to me and whispered, “It’s a good thing I 7th Stepped tonight. If I hadn’t I was going to cop out.” At first I was concerned about his attitude, but soon realized I had felt the same way for a while. I let the issue drop.

The Open Meeting ended. I made my way out to the Carpet Room to find my parents. There I saw Junior Staffer Cathie. She gave me a big hug and told me how proud she was of me. She was just telling my parents that she had called her parents earlier in the day and told them they needed to come to tonight’s Open Meeting. At first they were resistant to the idea. After all Cathie was on Junior Staff and had been out of the program for a while. Why on earth would they want to come to an Open Meeting? But Cathie was persistent. She couldn’t come right out and tell them I was 7th Stepping, that would’ve been talking behind backs but she knew they wouldn’t regret coming. It was nice to have them there.

I was told that I would be required to attend the 7th Step Seminar on Saturday and Sunday. It was going to be an all day event and I shouldn’t be late. I was a little scared of what to expect but I knew I was glad to finally be out of the program. I asked if someone else would be taking my Newcomer, Doug. I was told that I would still have to take care of him for two more weeks. I was able to make arrangements to have someone else take care of him on my first night out but I would have to pick him up on Saturday after the first 7th Step Seminar. My parents and I went to a popular restaurant down the street from Straight to celebrate.

After getting home that evening I got out the list of Group rules and started doing something I think every new 7th Stepper did. I started scratching out the rules that no longer applied to me. Such as “no boots, jewelry.” “No stopping off” and other rules. I looked at it as a stage that everyone goes through. Kind of like a stepping-stone to independence. Tomorrow would have a whole new set of challenges for me to face. Honestly, I was a little worried.