Chapter 13

The 7th Step Society
On Golden Chairs

7th Steppers were required to attend what were called 7th Step Seminars. These seminars were designed to orient new 7th Steppers to the new rules and expectations in the 7th Step Society. Saturday morning we arrived at the building at 8AM. The Assistant Director Mr. Williamson led us to the Conference Room, which sat directly across from Mr. Staffords office. Up to this point I had never stepped foot inside this room. Inside was a lavish carpeted room with large comfortable sofas and chairs. The lights were dim and as I recall there was a lot of lavender in the room. The setting was very relaxing and almost immediately I felt as ease. Just as we got settled in Mr. Williamson announced that we would have to go to another room. The conference room was slated to be used by someone else. We were told to go outside and meet in a trailer that was parked in the parking lot.

As I started up the steps, Junior Staffer, Lee had noticed I was wearing an arrowhead necklace. He asked, “Do you feel comfortable wearing that so soon after 7th Stepping?” I was a little caught off guard by the question and I’m sure I looked nervous. I looked up at Lee and said, “Yes.” Lee winked at me and said, “Okay, just checking.” I couldn’t believe it; Staff was still messing with our heads. “Did it ever really stop?” I asked myself. The setting inside the trailer was plain. There were just enough chairs for everyone and one or two tables. We found a seat and waited.

After being welcomed to the 7th Step Society a new list of rules were handed out to us. Although there weren’t nearly the number of rules as we had in Group the list was still pretty long. Honesty was still the first and most important rule. We were reminded that even though we were 7th Stepped we were prohibited from engaging in guy/girl relationships and in fact we couldn’t be in a room alone with a member of the opposite sex until we had been 7th Stepped 6 months. We were still required to write MI’s daily for the next 6 months. A 7th Step Officer could require a 7th Stepper to bring in his/her MI’s for review. Then we were told what we had always heard when we were still in the program, “The 7th Step Society is much stronger than the Group and will hold you to a higher standard of living. After all, you are now role models for the others still in the program.”

Next, we were all given a large packet of papers. These were called Life Plans. They were designed to help us set specific goals for our futures. If memory serves me right we had to write down what we expected of ourselves in the next 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years and 10 years. When I read it I leaned over to Shane and whispered, “I don’t even know where I’m going for lunch today let alone what I want to do 5 or 10 years from now.” Shane chuckled softly hoping not be to be heard. I looked over at Nancy and Kevin. They looked just as perplexed as I felt. We worked at filling out our Life Plans over the course of the next several hours.

For the most part I don’t remember what I wrote that morning. I’m sure I wrote about continuing to write music and to actually do something with it, like getting it copy written. I wrote about becoming an over the road truck driver and that was about it. We broke for lunch and reconvened in the trailer.

We were told that we would be required to attend two 7th Step Raps each Tuesday and Saturday. After three months, we had to attend at least one rap a week until our six months.

The rest of the time spent in the seminar is sketchy. I do know that we had to spend Sunday afternoon to conclude the seminar and it seems to me there was an induction ceremony into the 7th Step Society. We received a red ribbon that had “7 Stepper” written on it in gold letters.

On November 23 I attended my first 7th Step Rap. Prior to going in to the Carpet Room where the Raps were led we had to stand in the back of Group. About five minutes before the Rap was scheduled to start we made our way to a door to leave. We still had to raise our hands at the door and get Staff approval to leave the Group room, a practice I never agreed with.

We met in the Carpet Room. In the middle of the room chairs were set up in a circle. These chairs were not the same hard blue plastic chairs that we had to endure during our program. These chairs had about 1½ inches of cloth padding on the seat and back. Within the circle were two other chairs that up to this point I had only seen during Executive Raps. They were large gold colored chairs that were extremely soft. I would guess the padding on them was at least 5 inches. Just seeing them sitting next to each other within the circle made me realize these chairs were not to be touched. I took another seat and waited nervously. There were probably about 6 other 7th Steppers in attendance. After a few moments Marcus and Donna entered the room and sat down in the golden chairs. I realized right away that these two were the 7th Step Officers. Another 7th Stepper sat next to Donna. His name was Stanley. I learned that although he was an Officer as well, he was the treasurer. Stanley was the President and Donna was the Vice-President. Although they were not Staff Members, these people were to obeyed and respected at all times. Nancy, Kevin, Shane and I were welcomed to the 7th Step Society followed by a round of applause.

Stan opened the meeting by asking, “What is your first step?” Everyone raised their hand. (We no longer had to motivate to get called on) Stan called on another 7th Stepper. He replied, “Admit I am powerless over drugs and came to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.” The person sitting to his left then recited the 2nd Step and continued around the circle until all seven steps had been recited. I did the 5th Step.

From there the rap was conducted just like any other rap. Talking about our past, present, and future. The topic of the very first rap was on fear. How appropriate, I thought it was. I remembered talking about how I had some fear of the 7th Step Society, fear that I would be confronted and fear that I would not be able to maintain my sobriety outside of the program. A lot of the 7th Steppers related to me and told me to relax and just enjoy being a 7th Stepper. The one thing I learned that night was so long as I stayed open and didn’t try to hide anything, there wouldn’t be a need to be confronted.

After the rap, which lasted about two hours, we closed the session by reciting The Lord’s Prayer. The Officers left the room almost immediately without talking to anyone. The rest of us started making plans to get together and do something. Most of the time on Tuesday’s we’d just go out for a quick bite to eat. On Saturday nights, we’d likely take in a movie or something that allowed us to stay out a little later.

On the way out, I ran into Stanley. He was smoking a cigarette. Up to this point I never saw a 7th Stepper smoke. There was a Newcomer who had his parents and Foster Parents permission to smoke during his program but smoking was strongly discouraged. I was shocked at first and my gut told me to confront him. But I stopped myself and thought; “It’s not against the rules so there is no problem here.”

Being out of the program did take some adjusting. It wasn’t too long before one day I was pulling my car out of the drive way and my dad was getting ready to pull in. He looked surprised to see me leaving alone. We talked briefly in the middle of the street. I told him where I was going. My dad told me later that he wasn’t used to seeing me out and about this way. It would turn out to be an adjustment for the whole family. I can remember times pulling into a convenience store to get something to drink and thinking, “Did I get this stop off checked out?” Then it would hit me, “Stupid, you don’t need to let anyone know what you’re doing.”

It was around this time that my friend Tommie told me that he had been driving on the East side of our subdivision where Denise lived. He said, “Don, there is graffiti written on the sidewalks and curbs that say, I love Don.” Tommie and I got in his car and drove near Denise’s house and sure enough there were a number a places someone had written that message. I knew it had to be Denise and I was both flattered and embarrassed. More flattered, really.

A part of me was tempted to stop by Denise’s house to see if perhaps she was home. But I knew that if someone from the 7th Step Society saw me I would be in a lot of trouble. I didn’t like the idea of being started over for something so trivial.

Although I was 7th Stepped I still had to take care of Doug. So I still had to drive out the building everyday by 9PM and pick him up, take him home, feed him, make sure he got a shower and take him back to Straight in the morning. Doug was thrilled for me; I vowed that I would try to treat him better for the next two weeks. I don’t remember what the commotion was all about but one night when Todd stayed over night we both became extremely confrontive with Doug. We were relentless. I think a part of me became this way to make Todd think I was this strong and adjusted 7th Stepper. But inside I felt uncomfortable about the whole ordeal. At the same time I was frustrated that I had to take care of him. At times I think I took my anger and frustrations out on Doug. As I recall Doug took it all in stride. It was almost as if he knew what I was experiencing.

On November 27 I attended my second 7th Step Rap. It was on ego. Man, could I ever relate. I talked about how I was taking my anger and frustrations out of my Newcomer because I still had to take care of him. “After all” I said, “I’m a 7th Stepper, I shouldn’t have to take care of a Newcomer.” I held my breath expecting a confrontation. But it never came. I looked around and everyone was shaking their heads in agreement. I was relieved to learn that this was a normal reaction. The rest of the rap went off without a hitch. As I left the meeting that night I thought to myself, “These six months are going to fly.”

I celebrated my one-year straight anniversary on November 28. I stood for this anniversary at the following Open Meeting.

Tuesday November 30 was my first 7th Step rap led by Executive Staff. The topic was Weakness. About the only thing I remember about this rap was I was nervous only because Executive Staff was leading it. Fear of Executive Staff was still very prominent in a 7th Steppers life. The reason it existed is because social interaction with Executives simply didn’t happen. To us they sat in their big offices were too busy to become our friends not to mention the age difference was a factor as well. They also rarely, if ever attended 7th Step functions. Hence, the irrational fear of them remained.

My last day to take care of Doug should have been December 3 but I was still taking care of him until December 7. I’m not really sure how that happened, but it did. I took him to the building. I gave him a hug just outside the Intake Room and we said our good-byes. I started looking for a Staff member, any Staff member to let them know they would need to find Doug another Oldcomer. The only Staff member around was the new Group Staff Supervisor, Julie. She had transferred from the St. Petersburg branch to help out. It seems there was a shortage of Staff in Cincinnati around this time. She seemed upset that I didn’t want to take care of this Newcomer anymore, but I stood firm and told her I wouldn’t be coming back tonight. She tried to talk me into keeping him for a while longer but I just shook my head and walked away.

I had been 7th Stepped 19 days before I finally got the nerve to call a Staff member on the phone. I was still intimidated by them, but I also knew I wanted to work on some friendships that I thought would be long lasting. I called Senior Staff, Scott. We talked for a while and I finally told him that I wanted to get together with him and do something. We penciled in some days that he was off and then hung up.

Saturday December 11 was the first monthly 7th Step Parent Rap. Executive Staff also led these raps. These raps were interesting because these raps gave the parents the opportunity to bring up any concerns they may have about their child’s behavior. Confrontations did happen on occasion and when they did, they were relentless. The 7th Step Society took a very dim view of anyone not doing well outside the program. The fear of being started over or placed on a refresher kept many kids out of trouble. I didn’t have anything to worry about. I kept up with my chores and followed curfew religiously.

Todd and I were still working on our friendship and taking turns spending the night together on the weekends. We did things together every chance we got. I always looked forward to the long drive to his house. When we couldn’t get together we’d write. I thought things were going okay with us until one day in early December. Todd and I were riding in his car talking when he started saying about something about what had been on his mind for a few days now. “I use to look forward to the day you’d 7th Step and we could get together and do things. It’s been fun but lately the friendship hasn’t been what I thought it would be. I just don’t seem to be getting anything out of this friendship anymore.” I was devastated. I was stunned and couldn’t think of anything to say. Tears welled up in my eyes and I busted out crying like I hadn’t done in a very long time. I cannot describe the pain I was feeling inside. I was losing my very best friend and there didn’t seem to be much I could do to stop it. Todd was caught off guard by my reaction. I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind. I felt silly, I was begging for a friendship he clearly didn’t want anymore. He said, “I wasn’t expecting you to have such a strong reaction to this. I’m sorry I even mentioned it. Let’s just forget it, perhaps it’s something I have to work on. It’s not your fault and I’m sorry if I made you feel like it was.” I felt a little better but I always felt like I was on notice with him. It would be several months before I got over the incident. Todd treaded very carefully.

One of the things that I wanted to do was work with the Youth Group at my church. I talked to my Youth Minister and asked about becoming a Youth Coach. I interviewed for a position on December 13. I thought the interview went well and was confident I would be appointed in the near future. In the meantime I was told that I could sing and play the piano for kids church. I was looking forward to that.
Scott and I got together for the first time on December 26. Although I was a little nervous around him he and I got along well. For the first time I talked to him as an equal without the worry of being confronted or started over.

Up to this point most every MI I wrote contained the phrase, “If this isn’t changed I could justify myself off and eventually go back to doing drugs.” I had convinced myself that the consequences of any and all actions I deemed negative or unacceptable would lead me back to doing drugs. This would take several weeks before I finally broke this habit.

My friend Tommie and I went to a restaurant at a nearby mall. I will never forget how uncomfortable I felt there when I realized that there was a bar inside that served liquor. This was the first time since being straight being inside an establishment like this. Tommie, being the good friend he understood my predicament and we left the restaurant. But secretly it bothered me that I couldn’t sit in a restaurant/bar like a normal person and have a simple lunch. I vowed that one day I would get over this irrational fear.

On December 29 I was given the phone number to my first St. Pete Oldcomer Jack. But because I wasn’t sure if he would even want to hear from me I never called him. With each passing day I regretted not calling. Contacting Jack would give me an opportunity to contact Stanley as well.

By the end of the year, Marsha was on 5th Phase. I was setting goals in my MI to start calling June. Deep inside I knew that associating with her was against the rules. I was smart enough to keep this to myself. At the same time I was thinking about wanting seeing Marsha when she re-7th Stepped. Thoughts of seeing Denise again flooded my mind but I was too scared to call her. If my parents or anyone in the 7th Step Society found out I know I would be started over.

On January 1, 1983 I attended my first 7th Step dance. I had never even heard of these dances while on my program. They occurred after the Group had been dismissed for the day. For the first time since dancing with Denise I danced with another girl. Although it was nice, I thought of Denise the whole time. It was during this dance I learned of an unwritten rule. Girls were not supposed to turn a guy down to dance. This built up the self-esteem of the guys and it worked.

Something was stating to happen to me. I started to realize that I was checking and double- checking everything I was doing. When I did just about any thing or went to certain places I would ask myself, “Would Straight, Inc. and the 7th Step Society approve of this?” It is amazing to look back and see just how much influence Straight and the Society played in my life. I was frustrated because I wanted to live my life the way I wanted without worrying about if it was okay or not. I thought that was the whole purpose of the program to begin with. To live my life without the need of the Group or an organization. It was my belief that the Executive Staff would eventually say, “You don’t need us anymore. Go and live you life, achieve your life goals, be happy and stay straight.” Maybe I would have to wait a while before that happened, but it still bothered me.

On January 2 I went to the building to attend an Evening Rap with the Group. I still had a lot of friends in Group and wanted to see them. Plus I really wanted to go to a Rap and help people out. I arrived just as Rules Rap had ended. The Group was singing songs, two Staff members were up front talking together, and 5th Phasers were busily taking Chain of Commands. I saw something out of the corner of my eye to my right. I looked over and saw Marsha. She was looking right at me. With her eyes she seemed to be asking if she could approach me. I nodded my head trying not to attract the Staff. She and I quickly approached each other. Before I could say a word, she smiled then stuffed a piece of paper in my hand, and turned around and went back to the girl’s side of the group. I made my way back to the guy’s side while slowly slipping the paper in my pocket. I carefully checked to see if the Staff had watched what had just happened but they were still talking amongst each other.

After the rap was finished while the Group was lining up for dismissal I reached into my pocket and removed the piece of paper. I opened it and realized it was a letter. I don’t remember exactly what she had written but in a nutshell Marsha told me that she was proud of me for 7th Stepping. She was looking forward to getting out herself and wanted us to get to know each other better. I quickly put the letter in my pocket and exited the Group room. As I drove home I started thinking about the different things Marsha and I could do on dates.

But Marsha would prove to be the least of my concerns. On January 7 Todd had spent the night at my house. He had followed me home after an Open Meeting in which the one- year anniversary of Cincinnati Straight was celebrated. The night before I had convinced my parents that it would be all right for me to make another trip to Western Kentucky University. June would be there and it wouldn’t be a big deal to see her. The arrangements were made and I was really looking forward to seeing her after all this time. I talked to Todd about my plans for the weekend. Todd seemed a little concerned about my seeing June. I emphasized that June was not a druggie girlfriend. That seemed to make Todd feel a little better, at least he didn’t say another word about it. I dropped the subject.

On January 8 I attended my 12th 7th Step Rap. The topic was on Conviction. I don’t remember the events that led to it but soon I found myself being confronted about setting up a date with June. The next thing I remember I was led out to the very rear of the Group room and told to have a seat in the hard blue plastic chair that was in a small circle. Fear gripped me as I sat down. “What was going on here?” I asked myself. The two Officers, Marcus and Donna sat down. Junior Staff member Lee was also a part of the small circle of people set out to confront me about this situation. At one point I broke down and cried. But I wasn’t crying because I felt bad about the situation, okay maybe a little bit. But the real reason I was crying so hard is because I was so mad at Todd for going behind my back and reporting me without having the common courtesy of telling me he was going to report me. After a while longer, Lee got up from the group and went into the Junior Staff office. I was terrified. “Was I going to be started over? What I was going to be placed on an in-group refresher? What was going to happen?” Lee finally emerged from the office. He told me that no action was going to be taken against me. I was so relieved. That night I wrote in my MI how thankful I was for having strong friends that really cared about me. This was the first and only time I was confronted in the 7th Step Society. It wasn’t something I wanted to have happen again.

The next day I called June and explained that I wasn’t going to be able to see her. I told her of the confrontation and didn’t want to risk my position over a “date.” She told me that she understood, but I could tell she was a little disappointed. We agreed that we would get together after I had been 7th Stepped for six months. The real strange part of this was the fact that on the 9th I had written in my MI to call Junior Staff member Cathie to set up a day to see each other. Was that considered a date or was it okay because she was on Staff? I would never know.

On January 11 I went into Group prior to going to the 7th Step Rap. It was then I learned that Marsha had gotten started over. A part of me was concerned that it was because of the letter she had written to me. But I wasn’t going to ask anyone for fear that I would somehow get in trouble for taking the letter and not saying anything to Staff. It was at this point that I gave up on waiting for Marsha to get out of the program.

As I read though my MI’s I came across one that bothered me more than any other that I had written up to this point. I am a God fearing born again Christian today and had been even before going into the program. But on January 16 I wrote the following statement in my Challenge. “It states in the Bible that I must deny myself and take up my cross and follow Jesus to have eternal life. Yet because I have a terminal disease, I must keep me my first priority and stay open with my feelings and attitudes.” At this point it would seem that I had taken God out of the equation in my sobriety. What was happening to me? Of course as I wrote this MI over 20 years ago, I felt good about the MI. I thought I was making an appropriate change in my life. As it turns out I was making some serious mistakes and allowing my program to dictate a new belief system that was “superior” to God, as I understand Him. In the next paragraph I wrote, “I can do this by keeping the friendships that I have and remain open with what I go through. Also help other people out and give them what they need.” Reliance on people within the Society and Group and in turn be there for them evidently became paramount.

I started my first day in Kids Church on January 23. I would usually give a little testimony about my drug use and then sing a song. This was something that I really enjoyed doing. Scott and I at one point sang a duet for the kids. The song we did was one that was written by Scott and Peggy back on my program called “Through the pain.” I was still waiting to hear when I could start working as a Youth Coach. My desire to work with the kids grew every week. I wanted to warn them about the dangers that awaited them in high school. I didn’t want anyone to ever have to go through what I did to get sober.

In the mean time I became concerned for the kids that were in Straight. It seemed that a lot of people were getting set back or started over. I even thought at one point that they were too weak to survive. I committed myself to going into Group every Thursday and one day on the weekend to encourage and be strong with the Group.

On January 26 I got laid off from my job on the Estate. I was a little worried about what I was going to do next. I basically tried to concentrate on all the good things that were going on in my life and adapt the best I could. I found yet another opportunity to call my St. Pete Oldcomer and again for reasons unknown, I didn’t call him.

Scott and I continued to get together pretty regularly. He and I played music together. Scott played the guitar. At one point Lee joined us. Lee was a blast to be around. The one thing I remember about him was that he was exactly the same outside the building as he was when he was leading raps in Group. He was perhaps the most genuine person I got to know there.

On February 3 the 7th Steppers had a party at Cathie’s home. It was a surprise party for Peggy. She was leaving Staff to pursue a career in the military. She and I had a chance to talk for the first time ever. We reminisced about my program. I reminded her about what she had told my parents the night I went home. She was glad that I had proven her wrong. I discovered that beneath her cold stern exterior she was a very friendly and approachable person. I told her that I wanted to stay in touch with her. That night someone took a picture of her saluting. I wanted that picture but couldn’t remember who snapped the photo.

That same night I was talking with a 7th Stepper that had been out of the program for well over six months. I asked him about Sue and Pam the two Juniors that had simply stopped showing up to work while I was still in the program. I was told that both had copped out from Staff and it was believed that they both relapsed. I was extremely disappointed and saddened to hear the news. I left the party that night was mixed emotions.

On February 10 I went into Group for night rap. What I saw disturbed me. Junior Staffer, Gary was leading the rap alone. He started the rap from behind group, which was unusual in and of itself. Dressed in druggie attire, faded blue jeans, hair parted down the middle, etc Gary made his way to the front of Group. He started using all kinds of druggie slang and was trying to act cool. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Of all the raps I had ever participated in I had never witnessed a Staff member dressing and acting like this. The kids in the group didn’t know how to react either. Some were snickering others stared silently not wanting to do or say anything for fear they would be confronted about it later, and yes, some were so bothered by what they were seeing, they began to cry. After a few minutes of this I caught the attention of Scott who had been somewhat observing the rap but was caught up doing some paperwork. Scott came over to where I was standing and we began to talk about what Gary was doing. At one point Gary looked in our direction and looked concerned. Gary knew the rap wasn’t being responded to the way he had hoped, but he kept on. Then Gary asked someone to relate. Problem was, no one wanted to. Not a single hand went up for a while. Finally Gary called on a guy. He stood up and said that he didn’t feel comfortable with the way he was acting and it bothered him. Some one else was called on. By this time Scott was standing directly behind group and motioned for Gary to come to him. They began quietly talking. The person relating had finished and sat down. The room fell quiet. The only sounds were that of Scott and Gary talking and sniffling of people crying in Group. This was the first time I had ever witness a rap come to a complete and abrupt halt. Gary eventually had to change his clothes, comb his hair with the part on the side and change the rap topic. At this point I determined that I didn’t want to participate in the rap and left.

One night a Staff Trainee named Glen, who by the way had a very short program, invited me to stay at his house over night. I followed him home. Somewhere along the route home he pulled in to a department store parking lot. It was covered in snow from a recent storm we had. He began spinning out and doing doughnuts in the lot. I pulled my car as far away from him as I could and just watched. After about five minutes he pulled back onto the main road and we continued to his house. As we ate dinner I struggled with the temptation of saying something to his parents about what he had done. I decided not to say anything. I spent the rest of the evening watching Glen work out before we went to bed.

The next day I went to the building to spend a few hours with the Group. At some point I was walking near the Intake Rooms and suddenly I heard someone crying. I had never in all my time there heard anyone cry the way this person was. It was a cross between wailing and howling. It sent chills up and down my spine. I made my way toward the front lobby. There also crying was Glen’s mother. She saw me and ran toward me and began yelling at me, “Why didn’t you tell me Glen was doing doughnuts in the parking lot? Why didn’t you tell me that he was doing badly? They just started my Glenny over again!” With that the tears came streaming down her face, I could hear the pain and disappointment in her cry. I felt guilty but said nothing and walked directly to the Group room. When I walked inside I saw Glen sitting in the chairs behind group. His eyes were puffy and red from crying. He looked angry and he snarled at me. I wondered why he was so mad. The first and only time I do something with Glen and he gets started over the next day. I was confused and felt sick to my stomach. Scott came out from the Staff offices and saw me. He walked over to me. As he approached I got scared. “Was he coming after me? Was I in some sort of trouble?” I wondered. Scott and I said hello and then he just stood there next to me saying absolutely nothing. He was watching the rap that was being led. After a few minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore. I leaned over to Scott and asked, “What’s going on with Glen? Why’d he get started over?” Scott leaned over and said, “He was started over because he admitted to getting high.” I was shocked. Scott continued, “Glen had been getting high since 3rd phase. He fooled every one.” As I stood there taking in what Scott had just told me it suddenly occurred to me, “That bitch was trying to make me feel guilty for something I had no responsibility over. Glen’s mother wanted to blame me for her sons trouble.” I was mad as hell. I really wanted to go back to the lobby and tell her off, but decided that saying nothing was probably best in the long run. Glen was transferred to another branch and was never heard from again.

After the Rap that night I saw Dean talking with some clients in the back of the group. Two of them were sitting in chairs that are usually used by Junior and Senior Staff members. I over heard Dean tell him, “You guys can’t sit in these chairs. These chairs are like gold.” In some ways I think Dean was just messing with them, on the other hand he may have been serious. He was sometimes hard to read.

On February 13 I was given an opportunity to give a testimonial at my church. I was a little nervous about it, but I knew it would be pretty much like an Introduction. In fact I opened my testimonial by telling them my name, age drugs I did etc. Then I just started talking about the kind of person I had become when I did drugs. Later I told everyone what kind of person I had become since Straight. I think I made a number of people feel uncomfortable when I admitted to drinking and smoking pot on the property during church services. But perhaps the biggest bombshell I dropped on them was when I told them the drug problem wasn’t just at school. There were plenty of people right here at church that have a substance abuse problem. A lot of people were really touched by my testimonial; others were left feeling squeamish. I later learned that some of the Elders and Deacons of the church were upset because they thought I was talking about their family, their kids. Fact is, I was. But only because it was true. I spoke with the Senior Pastor after the service and asked if it was possible to get a copy of my testimonial on tape. He assured me he would get one for me.

National Straight had recently approved Straight Cincinnati to build an expansion on the existing building due to a large increase in the number of clients coming into the program. I applied for a job working on the job site in whatever capacity they thought I could be used. On February 16 I was hired as the Assistant to the Foreman. I really didn’t do a lot of hands on construction. I mostly did administrative work and spent most of the time in the trailer working with blueprints and other paperwork.

On February 20, a week after giving my testimonial I went to the church to get the tape I was promised. But when I arrived, I was told that for some reason the testimonial section of the service didn’t record right. I was disappointed and a part of me thought that perhaps the tape had been sabotaged.

On February 22 just after the 7th Step Rap had ended, Marcus made an announcement. “My term as Officer is coming to an end soon, is there anyone here that would be interested in running for 7th Step Officer?” Without even thinking my hand went straight up. I’m not sure exactly why I wanted to be an Officer. I thought perhaps it would be fun. I knew I could lead some pretty interesting raps. Kevin also expressed an interest in running. At this point I really didn’t know if I would be selected after all, Kevin had worked as a Staff Trainee for while, so perhaps he had a better chance. Our names were written down. A few days later, Marcus told me that I would be doing a 7th step rap on February 26.

On February 25 my good friend Nolan finally 7th Stepped the program. He and I got together and started working on our friendship. It took Nolan a while to get out and he was glad to finally be out. It had been a while since I last saw Nolan except in Group and even then most times he was busy doing 5th Phase work.

On February 26 I took a seat in the golden chairs and did my 7th Step Rap on holding back. Donna came up to me afterward and told me that I had done a great job. She liked the rap topic she liked how I was able to keep the rap flowing and moving forward and was impressed with several of the points that were made throughout the rap.

In the mean time, Scott and I continued working together in two areas. Our friendship, and our music. We had seriously talked about working together in the music field professionally. I was a little apprehensive about it and was scared that we would fail. But we got together every week and had fun with it. It didn’t matter if we would ever go professional or not. I just like playing and singing.
On March 1, Kevin did his 7th Step Rap. I don’t remember what the topic was, but I do recall that he did a good job keeping the rap moving forward and stayed focused. After the rap Marcus told us that this coming Saturday the Society would vote for one of us to be the next Officer. I wasn’t too worried about who would win, although I did think that Kevin had a bit of an advantage over me.

On March 5, Marcus cut the Rap short. He explained to Kevin and I that we would each have about 5 minutes to tell everyone why we should be elected as Officer. Once Kevin and I did so, each member was given a piece of paper and vote for the person they wanted to be Officer. I thought for a minute about writing my name on my slip of paper but thought that would be selfish. I voted for Kevin. Marcus collected the votes and left the room. There wasn’t a lot to do while we waited for Marcus to return. The room fell silent for a while as we looked at each other. After about 15 minutes or so Marcus came back into the room and sat down. With nervous anticipation we waited to hear from Marcus. He sat there for a bit and looked around the circle. Then he said, “I have counted the votes and….Don Smith, you’re our new 7th Step Officer.” I spent the next few minutes thanking everyone for their support and promised I would do the best I could do be a good Officer.
Right after the group was dismissed Donna took me back to the Officers office. As I walked in I realized that I was under 6 months 7th Stepped and yet I was going to be in this room alone with her. I asked her how this was going to work. Donna assured me that everything would be fine. Don’t get me wrong I certainly wasn’t arguing, Donna was an attractive young girl and I was really looking forward to working with her. She explained a little about what an Officer was responsible for.
“First of all” Donna began, “Your title is Vice-President. With Marcus leaving I am now the President of the Society. I answer to Executive Staff, more specifically Program Coordinator, Betty Wright. You answer to me.” She continued. “You will be responsible for getting the 7th Step OBS book before the Raps begin. The OBS book is kept in a filing cabinet in the Junior Staff office.” I asked, “Can I just walk in and get it?” “No, you must knock on the door and have a Junior Staff member get the book for you.” “You will need to have a rap topic ready each Tuesday and Saturday although I don’t have to approve it, I would like you to tell me about it so we can co-lead them.” Next she explained what the Golden Chairs were all about. “The only persons allowed to sit in those chairs are the Executive Staff, and 7th Step Officers. If you see someone else trying to sit there, kindly ask them to move to another chair.” You are permitted to do One-on-One’s with 7th Steppers under 6 months 7th Stepped. If possible do these before the Rap because we will be busy doing paperwork after the rap. On average, expect to stay about 30 minutes after the rap. If you have One-on-Ones to conduct or a meeting with Executive Staff, expect to stay longer. You are responsible for organizing 7th Step functions. For the first few weeks I would rather you observe confrontations. Talk to me about what you want to say while another 7th Stepper is confronting someone.” There were other things that over time I would learn but that was pretty much it for now. I watched as she wrote in the OBS book. When she was finished, I took it to the Junior Staff office to be put away for the night.

A few days later I was hanging out with Olivia. She was looking through some pictures. Then I saw one that caught my eye. There was Peggy saluting the camera. The picture that had been taken at her surprise party. I asked her if I could have a copy of the picture. Olivia looked up at me and said, “Here, it’s yours.” I gladly took the picture, thanked Olivia and placed the picture in a photo album.
Donna and I worked really well together as Officers. I remember just how easy she was to talk to. We frequently talked on the phone.

I started working on other friendships too. Dennis had now been out of the program for a while he was a Staff Trainee and played a mean game of pool. He and I spent hours in my basement playing pool as he gave me pointers to improve my game. Dennis won most of the games despite my best efforts. One day, Dennis and his Foster Brother, Ben and I got together. Ben had recently bought his first 4-wheel drive truck and wanted to take it out 4 wheeling. Dennis and I climbed into the bed of the truck and took off for a nearby area where construction was going on. It had rained for a few days prior and conditions were just right for some messy 4 wheeling. Ben drove his truck into the center of the construction site and we promptly sunk the truck up to the frame. Dennis was laughing hysterically as Ben tried to shift the truck into a gear that would get us out of this mess. It was useless, the truck wasn’t going anywhere. Ben had to call a tow truck to get his truck moved out of the mud. In fact it took two tow trucks to get it done safely. After the driver pulled the truck out he asked Ben if he had turned the lugs to 4-wheel drive. Ben’s response was, “Turn the lugs?” Dennis and I busted out laughing all over again.

I did my first One-on-One on March 15. It was with Nolan. He didn’t look very comfortable during the raps. At times he almost looked lonely and wasn’t really ready to talk about how he felt about being out of the program. I would liken it to a fish out of water. Nolan told me that he didn’t feel like he really belonged there just yet and felt more comfortable in the Group. I told him that perhaps he felt this way because when he was in Group he was a 5th Phaser and pretty much had control and respect from the other Phasers. I said, “I bet if you think about it you feel a little like a Newcomer in the Society and you’re just having some trouble adjusting.” I watched his reaction and he seemed like a light went off in his head. He smiled. I knew that what I had just said hit home with him. Nolan told me that he was going to give it a little more time to get use to being here and talk with other people about it. I suggested that he called some other 7th Steppers and make plans to go out and do different things together. “The sooner you do that, the sooner you’ll start to feel a part of the Society.” He shook his head, thanked me for talking to him and left the room. My first One-on-One went well.

On March 17 Straight, Inc. had a talent show. I was surprised at just how much talent was in the Group and Society. Scott and I sang two songs during the show. One of them was a song that Scott and Peggy had written while I was still in the program called, “Through The Pain.”

On March 23 in an attempt to contact my first St. Pete Oldcomer I wrote a letter to the Officers of the St. Pete 7th Step Society requesting the latest list of 7th Steppers there. A few days later I got a reply. I was disappointed to discover that neither one of my St. Pete Oldcomers names were on the list.
Later that day I got a call from Wayne, the Grounds Master at Sky Top. He wanted to know if I would be interested in coming back to work there. I accepted. I did so because I really believed I was more useful there than at the building. I took a $400.00 pay cut to go back there, but it was worth it in the end. I was more comfortable on the Estate. I started back the next day.

On March 27 I ran into Christine. I hadn’t seen her since we graduated from high school. She was drinking and I felt sad for her. Seeing her inspired me to write a song called, “We’ve Got A Problem.” It was about how serious I believed that the drug problem had become not only in our area locally, but also on a national level.








We’ve Got A Problem
March 27, 1983

We’ve got a problem, that people deny
They won’t believe it, until they all die
But it’s a disease son, and it won’t go away
For it will be here for centuries and days

It an epidemic, but you don’t realize
It’ll smack you silly; it’ll stare you in the eyes
But it’s a disease girl, and it won’t go away
For it will be here for centuries and days

Drugs are deadly, but you just won’t believe
Parents in denial stage, they cannot conceive
But it’s a disease folks and it won’t go away
For it will be here for centuries and days

CHORUS: And all at once, I see people I know go way down
And all at once I see people I know lying on the ground to die
We’ve got a problem; we’ve got a deadly problem.

That song would become pretty well known in the Cincinnati Straight. I performed that song in church’s and schools across Ohio.

In April I took a trip to Northern Ohio. I was scheduled to do a testimonial in a church that my Aunt and Uncle attended. Once there, I remember feeling uncomfortable about the way my grandparents were acting, not only toward my parents, but toward me as well. I felt frustrated because I believed that I wasn’t living up to the expectations my grandparents had of their grandchildren.

On April 3 I went to the church and did my testimonial and sang, “We’ve got a problem.” I remember at one point while speaking I caught the eye of a young kid and his friends as they walked into the meeting area. Both were obviously high, I could just tell. I said, “There are even people here, in this very room who are struggling with drugs and alcohol.” I looked that kid right in the eye. As soon as the service let out, I went looking for him, but he had gotten away. Several weeks later I learned that he had quit doing drugs and was getting the help he needed. I was so thankful that I could be used to influence a youngster that way.

On April 13 I was in and around a local university with Scott and Olivia. I saw Christine again. She was drunk. I felt sick to my stomach. I talked to Scott and Olivia about my going over to her and talking with her. Scott didn’t think it was a good idea. I had known for a while that Christine drank. I saw a picture of her chugging a beer and it really bothered me, even though I was using drugs. I didn’t want to come to grips with the reality that drugs and alcohol doesn’t discriminate, it’ll take anyone for a long destructive ride it they let it. Did I think Christine had a problem? That wasn’t for me to answer. But seeing her that night brought my fears a little closer to reality and I didn’t like it.

On April 19 elections were held for another 7th Step Officer. Donna’s term was over. The field was narrowed to two candidates. A recent 7th Stepper, Brad and once again Kevin was in the running. The votes were collected and Donna left the room to tally the votes. A few minutes later, Donna emerged and announced that Brad was the new Vice-President of the 7th Step Society. I was appointed President. I was a little concerned and frankly nervous about taking on the leadership role of the Society. Donna assured me she would be available to call, but that I should do fine. She and I stayed in touch even after she moved out of state.

I started training Brad and explained what would be expected of him as an Officer. The one thing that sticks out in my mind about Brad was his eagerness to learn and undying dedication to the 7th Steppers. He had formed a lot of friendships and wanted to be there to help them. I knew he would make a great Officer and that the Society had made the right choice.

My responsibilities within the Society grew too. I answered to Executive Staff. I could do One-on-Ones with any 7th Stepper. I could call in any 7th Stepper to attend a mandatory 7th Step rap. This included 7th Stepped Staff Trainees, Junior, Senior Staff and even the Group Staff Supervisor. I could discipline 7th Steppers with mandatory 3,7,14, or 21 day behind Group refreshers. Any 7th Stepper that relapsed or for any other reason was placed in bad standing with Straight was announced to the other 7th Steppers before or after 7th Step raps and remind them that associating with them was strictly prohibited. I could be called upon at anytime to assist Executive Staff with Family Conferences involving 7th Steppers and their families. I could also make recommendations for 7th Steppers to become Officers.

Within two weeks of my new position disaster struck. The Group Staff had a mandatory all night Staff meeting. These usually occurred when the Group or the Staff had issues to deal with. The next morning my friend Dennis, who had recently been promoted to Junior Staff, was driving home when he fell asleep behind the wheel. He ran off the road and hit a tree head on. He was admitted to the hospital for multiple fractures. I was contact early that morning by Executive Staff and told of the details of the accident. Though his injuries were not considered life threatening they were serious. Since he was chemically dependent he was not allowed to have any pain medication that could be addictive. At this point Dennis was refusing all pain medications even if they weren’t addictive. Dennis was going to push through the pain. I was told to start scheduling 7th Steppers to be with him around the clock until he is discharged. I called Brad. He and I split the 7th Step list and started calling. Afterward I remember feeling overwhelming pressure to accomplish this task not to mention I was scared for Dennis as well. I broke down and cried. I was never more thankful that my parents were there to lend support and help for me. I spent countless hours and nights at Dennis’ bedside, as his broken bones healed. I don’t recall how long he was in the hospital, but I do know that he was never alone.

Early on as President I wanted to do raps that were off the beaten path. I thought that one could only do so many raps on insecurity, anger or any of the other dozens of topics that had been beaten into our brains on our programs. I wanted to do raps that had never been done before. One of the first of these kinds of raps was on the four stages of Chemical Dependency. It in, I would utilize a videotape that had been produced by Dr. Newman. As he described the four stages I wanted the 7th Steppers to listen closely then think about where they were when they first came into the program. I ran this idea by Mrs. Wright only because I had to ask her to borrow the video. Betty told me point blank that the rap would flop. She said, “This is better suited for someone still in their program, not 7th Steppers.” I argued that it could work for either group. But she insisted the rap would not work. “You can go ahead and try it Don, but if I were you, I would have a back up topic for when this one fails.” I did the rap anyway. I hadn’t even gotten the video to the 2nd Stage when I looked around the room and realized that everyone there was either bored out of their mind or confused as to what I was trying to teach them. Embarrassed, I quickly changed the rap topic and moved on. The respect that I had for Mrs. Wright grew even more that evening.

In May Mrs. Wright approached me. I was told that she and Mr. Williamson had a meeting that evening. She needed me to lead the 7th Step Parent Rap. I was scared to death. As far as I knew an Officer had never led a parent rap before. But to ease my mind Mrs. Wright told me that the rap would be non-confrontational. We basically ended up brainstorming for ways to raise money for Straight. As the ideas were discussed Brad wrote the ideas down on paper. After the rap the list of suggestions were give to Mr. Williamson.

The following month Mrs. Wright led the parent rap. Now I don’t know if it was the intent of Executive Staff to bring up rock music, but it did come up. Various 7th Steppers stood up and said they were comfortable listening to certain groups. Others stood firmly on the idea that rock music was bad and they didn’t listen to it in any form. Those that said they liked listening to rock music were disciplined on the spot, mostly in the form of behind group refreshers. Why Brad didn’t see what was happening wasn’t clear to me, but I sensed an ambush from this anti-rocker Executive Staff member. Brad was called on at one point and said, “The music we listen to is our choice and no one should have the right to dictate to anyone what we listen to.” Then he said, “I like listening to rock music, I don’t have a problem with it.” I was stunned “What the hell is he thinking?” I thought to myself. Mrs. Wright was clearly upset not only by what he had just said, but also in the disrespectful manner in which he said it. Mrs. Wright promptly demoted Brad from his position and told him to have a seat. I didn’t want to relate in this rap because had I been called on I would have to side with Brad. No one, in my opinion, had the right to tell me what kind of music I should be listening to. At the same time I didn’t want to lose my position as an Officer. I grabbed a pad of paper and started writing on it as if I were writing up the incident with Brad being demoted.

After the Rap I stayed clear of Mrs. Wright. I knew I would have to lie and tell her that I was disappointed in so many 7th Steppers and Brad. I didn’t want to have to tell her that I had made a similar statement when I was on 5th Phase and nothing happened to me. I reported straight to my office wrote the incident in the OBS book and left for the night.

Looking back I am not sure why I didn’t get some one to replace Brad. Executive Staff didn’t ask me to do it. I think one reason may be because I didn’t think there was anyone in the Society that would be able to do the job well enough. Brad would be difficult to replace. Perhaps it was my own ego, wanting to lead the 7th Step Society for the first time with only one Officer.

On May 19 I wrote my last mandatory MI. It was so nice not to have to write them anymore. I promised myself that I would write them if and when I needed to. I have written several since then. I made a phone call to June to see if she was still interested in seeing me. She invited me down to Kentucky for a visit. After getting directions to her home, I packed.

The next day I drove to Kentucky. June was living with a “Foster Mom” while attending college. When I saw June for the first time I was overwhelmed at the idea that she hadn’t changed a bit since high school. She was still as beautiful as ever. She had shoulder length brown hair, green eyes and a body that wouldn’t quit. She and I went out to eat. June had taken up smoking since she graduated from high school. I was disappointed. She and I talked a lot about my time in Straight. She was amazed at some of the things that went on there, but was happy that I was able to get off drugs. After lunch we went back to her place and went to her room. We settled in on her couch and started to cuddle. It was so nice being back in a woman’s arms. Before I knew it, one thing led to another and we made love. For me it was a first. Afterward we went upstairs and visited with her Foster Family. I wasn’t there too much longer before I left. I was in heaven thinking about the next time I saw June.

The next day I was talking to Tommie and told him how June and I seemed to be getting along. Tommie was happy for me. But when I called June to make arrangements to see her again her whole demeanor had changed. She made it clear that she didn’t want to see me again. I was heartbroken and disappointed that she was dumping me so quickly after the relationship had started. She told me that she thought we had moved way to fast and that our making love was wrong. I immediately started feeling an immense guilt. Although it was not against the rules to engage in sexual relations after six months, this was something that Straight clearly opposed.
Over the course of the next several weeks, I, my paranoia and head games convinced me that June would actually call someone at Straight and report us for having sex. I can remember several occasions being at work and without warning break down and cry uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop for several minutes. It even happened at times when I was operating heavy equipment. The guilt and fear became unbearable at times. But I knew if I told anyone I would be in serious trouble. I had to deal with the emotions and go on as if nothing were wrong.

I continued to work closely with the 7th Step Society and led raps that were unique to my personality. Because I was the only Officer, Mrs. Wright and I worked closer than ever before. We talked on a daily basis.

One day I came in early. I had gotten an idea to read through just about every OBS to see how many times different people were mentioned. I kept a tally and decided that the top three people would be dealt with in a unique way. I was going to call their parents to see if perhaps there was something going on at home that I didn’t know about. Learning about what was going on at home could be helpful to me in dealing with them in raps. Or perhaps I could help the parents deal with the 7th Steppers in a more effective manner at home.

One particular case was Bill. He was a fourteen year old who had an older brother still in the program. When I called his parents they informed me that he had seemed lonely and detached from the Society. When I asked why they thought this, they replied that he didn’t go out and do things with the other 7th Steppers. I inquired as to why this was. The dad stated that he couldn’t go out because he didn’t have any money. I was perplexed. “Why doesn’t he have any money?” I asked. He replied, “He doesn’t have a job.” I was floored. “Well of course he doesn’t have a job, he isn’t old enough to get one yet.” “Don’t you give him an allowance?” I asked “An allowance?” dad replied, “What for?” I went on to explain that if he gives him a list of chores do to throughout the week he could pay him so much a week thereby allowing Bill to have money so he could go out and do things with the 7th Steppers. After talking a little longer both parents agreed to give it a try. They thanked me for calling. I told them that if they needed anything at all, to call me. The other parents that I contacted denied any problems nor did they seem overly concerned about how they were doing.

After the next 7th Step Rap, Bill came to my office and personally thanked me for calling his parents about his situation. Things were working out well with his chores and now he was on his way out with his friends to take in a movie.

One day several 7th Steppers approached me about a problem they were having with a Junior Staff member. It seemed that Dean was relentlessly teasing them, making fun of them, and at time being confrontational towards them. One 7th Stepper put it bluntly by saying, “Dean is acting like a Druggie and I don’t like it.” In all about 6 7th Steppers filed complaints with me against Dean. I went to Mrs. Wright and told her about the problem. I asked her if it was okay for me to call him in to a mandatory rap. Although Dean had been 7th Stepped for well over 6 months, I knew it was within my authority to make this request. Mrs. Wright told me to call him in to the next rap.

It just so happened the Dean was in the building. I went to look for him. I finally found him in the hallway just outside the Junior Staff office near the Intake Rooms. I could feel my heart racing as I approached him. “Dean.” I said, “I need to talk to you for a minute.” Dean looked annoyed and angry “What do you want?” he snapped. “Dean” I said, “You will be required to attend this Saturday’s 7th Step Rap. I’m calling you in.” Dean’s face turned red and I could tell he was livid. “You don’t have the authority to call me into a rap!” Dean yelled. I replied, “Well Dean as a matter of fact I do have the authority to call you in. In addition I have already spoken with Mrs. Wright and she is in agreement with me. You need to be at the next 7th Step Rap.” Dean now looked scared and began to stammer, “Well…I have to work this Saturday, so you’ll have to make it another day.” I looked straight into Dean’s eyes and said, “Dean you don’t need to worry about that, we’ll make arrangements for you to be available at 7PM. If you have any questions, please feel free to call Mrs. Wright or me. I walked away relieved that the conversation was over.

Saturday came and went. Dean failed to show up for the Rap. I called Mrs. Wright at home and reported this to her. Mrs. Wright told me that Dean had called off that day and that’s why he didn’t show up tonight. I asked her if I should’ve been told about this. She told me that Senior Staff should’ve notified me. When I told her that no one had said anything about it, she seemed upset and promised me that she would follow up on where the communications break down occurred. Both Mrs. Wright and I thought that Dean called off to avoid the 7th Step Rap. But we had no way to prove it. Mrs. Wright told me to inform the on duty Senior Staff member to make sure Dean is available for Tuesday’s 7th Step Rap. I left my office and informed Senior Staff Scott.

That Tuesday I saw Dean in and around the building. I went to Mrs. Wright’s office and talked to her about the rap. She gave me some pointers on how to handle this situation. As I left her office, she told me to have someone get her is she was needed.

I finished up some paperwork in my office and then made my way to the Carpet Room. When I walked in everyone started taking their seats. Dean made his way over to the Gold chair and sat down. I walked over to him and said, “You’ll need to find another seat. This one is mine.” Dean was obviously annoyed, looked up at me and said, “I was here first, find your own chair.” I could feel myself getting angry but I took a deep breath and said, “Dean, do you remember the night you were telling some Phasers that the chairs in the back of group were like gold?” Dean shook his head. “Well” I continued, “These chairs are gold. Only Executive Staff and 7th Step Officers are allowed to sit in these chairs. Please find another seat.” I could hear some 7th Steppers chuckling and were amused by my statement. Dean, now embarrassed got up and found a chair as far from me as possible.

The rap topic I choose was showing respect for others. In the present part of the rap I called on Dean. He related as quickly as he could. After all, Dean knew that he was called in for a reason and knew he could get confronted at anytime. Other 7th Steppers started raising their hands to say something. I was prepared for this, but at the same time I was worried that this could get out of the control and turn into a full pledged confrontation. I didn’t want that. I called on the first 7th Stepper and held my breath. He told Dean exactly what he had said to him and that he thought it was disrespectful. It was short, sweet and non-confrontational. Respectful really. The next 7th Stepper followed suite. He mentioned the specific incident and told Dean he thought he was being treated disrespectfully. After about five 7th Steppers said something to him Dean looked over at me as if to say, “Now what?” I asked Dean, “Do you see how the way you say things to people can come across as being disrespectful?” Dean shook his head. I continued, “You’re a decent guy, and I know your heart is in the right place most of the time. I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt people but the way you come across sometimes gives people that impression. Do you understand?” Again Dean shook his head. He looked flustered and nervous. The silence that followed was almost deafening. “Do you have anything you want to say to any of the people that have said something to you tonight?” At that point Dean made direct amends to those he hurt and assured them that he would be more aware of the way he comes across to people. He also made amends to me for the way he acted over my chair. The confrontation was over. Dean seemed relived. So was I. For the first time that I can remember Dean actually smiled at me.

After the rap I went to my office and called Mrs. Wright to give her a report on how the confrontation went. She was pleased it went so well. They she said, “Oh, Don when you get done there, I need to see you in my office.” I was terrified that she knew about June and I. But when I went to her office, Mrs. Wright told me that she needed me to handle the Dean situation by myself. If I didn’t it would be harder to get the respect owed to me by the 7th Steppers in the Society. If Mrs. Wright were in anyway involved in that confrontation it would’ve been harder for people to look to me for guidance and leadership. She was right.

A few weeks went by. I was still dealing with the emotions of hiding the sexual encounter I had with June. I was still convinced that she would call and tell someone about what we did. I remember thinking that one day during a rap I would just passively bring it up and brush right over by saying something like, “You know it’s alright to make mistakes. It's part of being human. Take me for instance, I had sex a while back I realized it was wrong and made a change. It’s okay to fail.” But deep inside I knew if I had said anything like that the 7th Steppers would catch it and nail me to the wall. Even though Officers weren’t suppose to be confronted in a rap, I knew that what I did would make confronting me acceptable so I just have to keep pushing it down and pretend that every thing was okay.

One day I was driving down a street in a downtown area. I saw Nolan. He was with a couple of people that I didn’t recognize right away. As I got closer I saw a girl that I knew from high school. I knew immediately that Nolan was hanging out with the wrong crowd. I tried to find a place to park and catch up with him but wasn’t able to do so. Frustrated, I would have to wait for the next 7th Step rap.
I called Mrs. Wright and told he what I had witnessed. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions but I thought the girl he was with was someone I had gotten high with in school. Mrs. Wright told me to do what I thought was right. “You’re in charge Don, you make the call.” The following rap I called on Nolan. He stammered around and was really nonspecific in his relating. Finally I stopped him and asked, “Who have you been hanging around with lately?” Nolan looked surprised. His faced turned red. He said that he re-established a friendship with someone from high school. I then asked, “Who is she?” Perplexed Nolan asked, “She?” I shook my head. Nolan said, “Just an old friend.” I asked, “Is she a druggie?” “I don’t know.” Said Nolan. I replied, “Well, Nolan if she is who I think she is she is a druggie. I got high with her in school.” “Are you sure?” Nolan asked hoping perhaps I may be wrong. At this point I was getting agitated with this situation. I said, “Nolan I feel like I’m having to pull teeth with you to get you to talk. Have you done something that perhaps you need to tell us?” Nolan became calm, not defensive, as I would’ve expected him to. He replied, “No, absolutely not. I know what you’re thinking but that didn’t happen, we just hang out together.” I said, “Okay Nolan I believe you. But I’ll tell you something; I’m concerned about you. Hanging out with known druggies is not a very smart thing. I’m putting you on a 3 day behind group refresher. Nolan raised his hand and asked, “What’s that?” I explained, “For the next three nights you will be required to come into the Night Rap and participate. I expect you to talk about what you’ve been going through with the group. I will make sure that a Senior Staff member is aware that you are to be called on. Do you understand?” Nolan acknowledged.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Nolan failed to show up for Night Raps. Each time in 7th Step raps, I increased his refresher up to 21 days. Finally I had to place him on a 7th Step Suspension which meant that he was required to attend every 7th Step rap until further notice. I made the recommendation that he not be released after his 6 months was up and remain suspended. I even got to the point that I requested he be placed on an In Group Refresher. Eventually, Nolan was called into a Family Conference. I asked Mrs. Wright if I could sit in on the Conference. Mrs. Wright told me that she didn’t think it was a good idea. I knew Nolan in the past and knew the friends he was hanging out with. So, it was all too close for comfort and thought it was be best to sit this one out.

The guilt that I had been feeling over June was slowly subsiding. At this point I decided to sign up for Pre-Training so I could go on Staff. This time I was accepted into the class. P.T. was a 46-hour course. It was difficult. We did a lot of rap therapy and scenarios. But it was fun and educational too. I was able to use some of the material while doing raps and other counseling in the 7th Step Society. At one point we did a rap in front of the Group. Afterward we were given constructive criticism, positive credit, and advise on how to keep the rap flowing. Mr. Williamson was still a very intimidating person to me and made me sick to my stomach sometimes. But I continued to work hard and did the best I could.
One day I got a call from Mr. Williamson. He told me that he was calling a Mandatory 7th Step Rap. He told me “You are personally responsible for contacting everyone over and under 6 months and letting them know that they must attend this rap, no exceptions.” I made the calls and gave a list of responses to Mr. Williamson. It was set up several weeks in advance to give everyone a chance to clear their schedules and make time to be there.

A few weeks later I was told to set up the Group Room for the rap. The regular group was moved to the Carpet Room. 7th Steppers that I hadn’t seen in a long while started showing up. As the time for the rap grew closer I could feel the tension grow stronger. You could cut it with a knife. I was standing behind the group when Mr. Williamson came up behind me and took me outside the room. “I need you to keep the group busy for a while. Oh, by the way inform the 7th Steppers that Randy, a person who had 7th Stepped a year ago, is now in bad standing and that no one is to associate with him. Understand?” “Yes sir” I said. As I went back in to the Group room, I tried to get myself ready. I had never made this kind of announcement before and I was scared. I walked up to rap stools and sat down. I re-introduced myself for the benefit of those who may have forgotten who I was. I made the announcement about Randy. At this point Mr. Williamson emerged from the Staff office and made his way to the back of group. With that I thanked everyone for showing up and introduced Mr. Williamson. He and I changed places then I found a sear near the back of the group. I sat right behind Todd.

I don’t remember a lot about the rap but I do remember the one point Mr. Williamson made was the fact that people in the 7th Step Society were beginning to make poor life choices. He was concerned for their futures and lives. He talked about how some people were hanging out with people that were not in our best interest. Others were listening to music that wasn’t good for us to listen to. Others were becoming “dry druggies” in the way they talked, dressed and acted. At one point Mr. Williamson said something that I thought related to Todd and I looked at him for a while hoping that he would think about what Mr. Williamson was talking about. To my knowledge only a few people related and no one was confronted. For the most part the rap went off without a hitch.

Afterwards, Todd followed me to my office and started confronting me. “Why the hell were you staring at me so intently during that rap? You got something on your mind?” I responded, “I have a few concerns about the way you’ve been acting lately. If it applies, apply it, if it doesn’t don’t worry about it.” With that Todd left the office.

One day, I was thinking about what kind of rap I wanted to do. Then it hit me. “A Love Rap.” I thought. You see way back in 1976 I went to a church retreat with a youth group. One night we were in a room sitting in a circle. The lights were turned down low. We were told that we were going to have a “Love Feast.” During the Love Feast one at a time someone would get up, walk around behind the circle until they came to someone they loved. At that point the person would talk to the rest of the people in the circle explaining why they loved them so much. Some people would tell stories of special times in their lives, or any number of things. It took a while for it to get rolling but once it did it became one of the most emotionally charged times of my life. By the end of the first hour nearly every one was in tears. After about two hours it was over. Everyone was emotionally drained but pumped up from the very real love that everyone felt for each other. It brought good friends even closer; it brought others to an immense respect and care for one another. I remember after this Love Feast was over a girl I didn’t even know came up to me and told me she loved me. I was deeply touched that she went out of her way to tell me. Over the next several months and years we became close friends.
I thought this would be an excellent rap to do for the 7th Step Society. I wanted to make this rap uniquely my own. I knew I would have to set the stage for this in order for it to be effective. I went to the building about an hour early and set up the Carpet Room. I moved the chairs closer to a wall so I could use a tape player for the opening part of the rap. Instead of setting up my usual gold chair I sat in a padded chair like everyone else. Everyone took their seats. I think people knew before it even started that this was going to be an unusual rap because the lights were already out. I told them the story of the Love Feast and how I came up with the idea of a Love Rap. I then asked everyone to close their eyes and told them to listen carefully to the words of a song I was going to play for them. I played a song written and performed by a popular Christian singer called “Friends.” I gave some more instruction and the rap began. At first there was a misunderstanding. Multiple people started walking right over to someone and talked as if in private. I quickly stopped the rap and explained how this was supposed to go again. I observed this rap and didn’t talk to anyone. I just took it all in. As the rap progressed the emotions started running high. By the end of the Rap there wasn’t a dry eye in the house, including mine. The rap ran over the two-hour time frame but no one seemed to mind. I could feel a sense of unity, closeness and love that hadn’t been there before. It was quite a rap and I was glad it went so well.
When the rap was over Junior Staffer Olivia came up to me and thanked me for doing the rap. She asked me if she could do this same rap in Group. I told her she could. I thought perhaps it would help out the group as a whole. She agreed. She hugged me, thanked me again and went to the Staff office.

I did this rap just one more time during my term. As soon as I started the music for “Friends” people that were in the first Love Rap started crying. This time I did get involved with the rap and really let my walls down. It was by far the best rap I had ever had the privilege of leading.

My PT class was still going well and I was getting excited about the prospect of joining the Staff. But I also knew I still had an obligation to finish out my term as Officer.

One day, Mrs. Wright called me at home and asked if I could come to the building and meet with her. Within seconds all the guilt and fear about the June incident that I thought had all but disappeared suddenly came back full force. I was terrified. I remember the drive to the building setting myself up to be placed on a refresher or maybe even started over. I felt nauseated as I pulled into the parking lot. My heart raced and I started feeling a little light headed. I walked into the building and made my way to Mrs. Wright’s office. “Close the door and have a seat Don.” Mrs. Wright said as I enter. I could feel my face turn red. She looked at me and said, “You alright?” “Yeah” I said as I took my seat. “I just don’t feel real well.” “That’s too bad, I hope you feel better soon.” I nodded my head. “I’m going to need your help tonight with a Family Conference.” I replied, “Okay, who is it with?” “Todd and his family” She said. My jaw hit the floor. “What’s going on with him?” I inquired. “Well it has something to do with Todd wanting to move into an old druggie friend’s house. His parents are concerned for his well being and frankly, I am too.” I was sill in a state of shock. “Keith and I are best friends, he’s never mentioned anything about moving, let alone moving in with an old druggie friend.” Mrs. Wright wasn’t surprised by my response and said, “Well, of course he’s not going to tell mention it to you. You’re an Officer. He knows what you can do with something like that. Are you really that surprised?” As I thought about it I felt a little embarrassed. “No 7th Stepper would tell an Officer about something like that.” As those words echoed in my head I thought about my own predicament. “Would Mrs. Wright really be surprised if I never mentioned the sexual incident to her?”

That night Mr. Stafford, Mrs. Wright, myself, Todd and his family all met in the Directors office. Todd’s mom brought up the initial concern. Todd became very defensive and angry that there was even a conference over this matter. Todd at one point looked over at me as if he were upset and a little embarrassed that I was there to witness this. I felt bad about it too, but I knew I had a job to do. Todd’s reasons for moving out were to become more independent. He would also be living closer to where he worked. The only concern that I voiced was that he would be living with someone that I knew he had gotten high with in his past. Todd said that he was okay with that and he was strong enough to deal with it. The meeting didn’t last too long. Todd was placed on a 7 day behind group refresher and then report to Mr. Stafford afterward. Todd agreed.

Shortly after this conference I learned that former Junior Staffer, Jeff had re-7th Stepped from the St. Petersburg program. One thing that bothered me was the fact that neither the 7th Step Society nor I had ever learned that Jeff had relapsed and was sent for a start over program. When I asked Mrs. Wright about this, she explained that because he was on Staff, these kinds of things aren’t discussed freely among the 7th Step Society. They believed that if someone were to find out that a Staff member messed up, it could very well jeopardize the commitment a 7th Stepper has to remaining straight. “If he can’t stay straight and he’s a Staff member, how can I possibly stay sober?” I thought the whole idea of treating Junior and Senior Staff differently from other 7th Steppers was stupid. To me I viewed Staff members as nothing more that 7th Steppers with a title.

When I saw Jeff for the first time, he was beaming with joy. I hadn’t seen him look as good even when he was on Staff. He and I hugged and I told him that I was glad to see him and that I missed him. He started attending 7th Step Raps regularly.
In the mean time my term as Officer was coming to an end. Elections were held and this time after running three times, Kevin finally got voted in as the new 7th Step Officer. But within an hour of the announcement Mr. Williamson, obviously upset, pulled me into his office. He explained to me that there was a new set of guidelines to follow when electing new Officers. Kevin would have to step down and reapply for election. Kevin was upset when I told him but he tried to take it in stride.

I submitted my resume for Staff and was anxiously waiting to see if I would be selected. Not everyone that applied for a Staff position got one. It’s a fact that one person who later became a Senior Staff member had been rejected three times prior to becoming a Staff Trainee.

After the following 7th Step Rap, Dean approached me in the middle of the Carpet Room and said, “I hear you’ve submitted you resume to be on Staff.” I shook my head and acknowledged. Then Dean said, “I don’t think it would be a very good idea for you to be on Staff.” I was a little surprised to hear him be so bold. I sad, “Well Dean I have been leading 7th Step Raps now for nearly 6 months and I think I’ve done a good job leading in that aspect. I think I’ll do okay on Staff too. Why don’t you think it’s a good idea?” Dean said, “It’s just not a good idea.” With that Dean left the room. I was a little worried about how he might treat me if I do get on Staff. But if he couldn’t come up with a better excuse then I wasn’t going to waste my time on the matter. I even thought of saying something to Mrs. Wright but later decided not to. For just a brief moment I thought of pulling my resume, but I resisted the idea and that if it’s meant to be, then it’ll happen.

The next 7th Step rap a lot of people were surprised to see me back. I explained that Kevin had to step down and run again because of the changes Executive Staff had implemented for Officer elections. I asked for a list of people that wanted to be considered for Officer. After the rap, which was led by Kevin, I met with Mr.Willamson.

There were a few names on the list. Mr. Williamson immediately told me to take Kevin off that list. “I don’t even want him on the ballot.” He also told me that he didn’t want Jeff running. I objected. I told Mr. Williamson that I thought Jeff would make an excellent Officer. After all, he knows what it’s like to relapse. His experience could keep a lot of people from making the same mistake. After some more discussion Mr. Williamson asked me, “Don, would you consider taking on another 6 months as the President? I could just appoint you to another term.” “I’m sorry Mr. Williamson” I said, “I just can’t see myself doing this for another six months. Besides I’ve already submitted my resume to go on Staff and I really want to pursue a career here.” Mr. Williamson was obviously disappointed but understanding at the same time. Then he said, “That’s fine, but you will need to spend an additional two weeks in office training the new Officer. You will need to tell Kevin he’s off the ballot and if he has any questions he can come see me personally.” I nodded, stood up shook his hand and left his office.

Telling Kevin he couldn’t even run for Officer was difficult. But it had to be done. Ironically it was done at a 7th Step party at Jeff’s house. Kevin was clearly upset. With tears welling up in his eyes he told me he’d be calling Mr. Williamson the next day. I told him that would be fine but I really doubted it would do any good.

The following 7th Step Rap the elections were held. I left the room with the ballots in hand and went to my office. The door was closed and locked as the votes were tallied. Jeff had won by a landslide. As I looked at the results I thought to myself, “What if Mr. Williamson is right? Is Jeff really ready to take on this kind of responsibility so soon after getting back out of the program?” I said a little prayer. The ballots were destroyed and thrown away in Mrs. Wright’s office. I returned to the Carpet Room and announced Jeff the new 7th Step Officer.

Over the course of the next two weeks I worked extensively with Jeff and taught him as much as I could about being an Officer. With the experience he had as a Junior Staff member I thought he would do really well.

Shortly thereafter Mr. Williamson called me at home and told me to be at the next Friday night Open Meeting. If I were going to be promoted to Staff Trainee that would be the night it would happen.

Overall I was pleased with my time in the 7th Step Society. I count it a real honor to be able to serve as a Counselor. I was able to help a lot of people out and helped them adjust to being out of the program and to become more self-reliant. But the guilt over having had a sexual incident with June was still looming not too far from my conscience.